The Quality of Your Sleep Determines the Quality of Your Relationships

Do you have a partner who snores, talks in their sleep, grinds their teeth, wakes up multiple times to go to the bathroom, likes the room to be hot or cold, likes to have sex in the middle of the night, falls asleep watching TV, has to leave the lights on, listens to the radio on speaker, has restless leg syndrome, wants to have the pets and/or the kids in the room or in the bed?

There is increasing recognition of the importance of individual sleep needs and preferences, leading some couples to choose separate beds or bedrooms. But what if this is not an option for you? There are a number of different ways to approach this issue, but it all starts with awareness.

What do you need to make your sleep deeper, more pleasant, something that you look forward to? Think of your five senses, the context and the energy that you need to be around to feel safe and comfortable enough to fall asleep and stay asleep. Listen to your partner and communicate to them the ways that each of you would like your sleeping space to be.

Think about your physical needs in order to wind down and prepare your nervous system for sleep. Go through your 5 senses: Is the room as dark or as you need it to be? Ask these questions and prompt your partner to do the same to raise awareness around each other’s sleep needs as a first step.

Is there too much wakeful energy in the house when you need to wind down? Your partner’s musical hobby, young children or people who need care might interfere with the energy you need in your surroundings right before bed. Pay attention to how you share your space, interact with each other within that space.

Don’t approach your partner for sex at midnight when they’ve told you that the answer will always be no after 9 p.m., because they have to be up early. Don’t turn the TV on in the bedroom when you can’t sleep because you know it could wake your partner; don’t let the pets in bed when they’ve asked you not to.

If you have one blanket that you fight over all night, use two blankets instead. If you like the sheets tucked in, and your partner likes to have her feet hanging over the end of the bed, consider getting two twin beds and pushing them together. All these actions are examples of how to show respect for each other’s basic physical need for sleep.

If you decide that you are going to go to bed separately or sleep in different beds or places, you MUST come together before going to bed. Spend at least 5-10 minutes connecting your bodies together (back to back breathing, eye-gazing, holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing)

When we are in a loving relationship, we make sure that the other person’s needs are being met as much as possible. Sleep is one of the fundamental needs. Don’t take it personally if they have different needs than you do.