Qualities to Look for in a Life Partner …relating and mating….at a time like this… part 139

Whether we have a second wave of COVID-19 is anyone's guess, but if we do, you'll appreciate having these points.

Some people have what I have come to call "broken pickers." They just can't seem to pick good partners for themselves. If this is something you're dealing with, here are some tips for making good choices when it comes to dating and mating.

There are no guarantees in life. It isn't possible to be absolutely sure about anyone. Take your time; listen to your friends and to your intuition. Picking the right person for the right reasons at the right time is an art form.

People will tell you exactly who they are; it's up to you to listen. If someone says they're usually in a bad mood or don't know how to be monogamous, hear what they are saying and don't assume you can change them.

Take a test drive. Go for an eight-hour drive with your intended. Whatever difficulties you may have will make themselves painfully obvious. This test is not for the faint of heart.

Look for someone who is kind and loving. If you're really lucky, your partner will also have a family that taught him or her how to be that way. Having in-laws who treat you like a member of the family will make your life much nicer.

Make sure the person you're seeing doesn't smoke, even if you do. If he or she is a nonsmoker, it may get you to stop. Think of it this way: You're choosing happiness over death.

Find someone you can talk to. As time passes, this quality is more important than looks, money, or position. If you can't talk to your partner or cry on his or her shoulder, it's not going to be a good match.

Make sure you have the basics in common. For example, if one of you wants children and the other doesn't, it's probably a deal breaker. Spirtiual and political differences can also be difficult to deal with — as we age, our feelings in these areas tend to intensify.

Make sure that you have enough differences that, if you are unable to go out, you can still entertain each other. If someone is just like you, it might get a little boring as time goes by.

Physical compatibility has more to do with touch than it does with sex . If you're a tactile person, you need to be with someone who sex shares that desire. People's desire for sex changes over a lifetime, but our need for touch remains fairly constant.

Beware of people who want to get married immediately. Engagements were created for a reason.

They used to call them "handfasts," and they lasted for a year and a day. Things move much quicker these days, but it's wise to know someone for at least six months before getting engaged.

Find someone who makes you laugh. A sense of humor can help you overcome many of life's obstacles. If someone can make you smile when you don't feel like it, that's a great quality.

Romantic relationships are a challenge for everyone. No matter how great couples look on Facebook, no matter how many loving, hugging, kissing photos you see of your friends, no intimate relationship is trouble-free.

That’s because of two facts that are in complete conflict with each other:

All of us have inborn needs for love, care, and attention, which, when not met, trigger core emotions of anger and sadness in the brain. Over time, we can defend against these needs in a variety of ways. But that doesn’t mean the emotions aren’t happening; we’ve just blocked them from conscious experience.

People in relationships cannot realistically meet all of the needs of their partner.

Given these two facts, inevitably there will be times when we feel unloved, uncared for, unappreciated, hurt, and angered. That is not bad. That is not good. It just is!

We handle our inevitable conflicts is a major predictor of relationship longevity. We can become pros at handling conflict. But, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango, so we must pick a partner who will work with us to build a long and satisfying relationship.

Qualities to look for in a partner. These qualities help ensure that you will be able to move through the tough times and even grow closer as a result.

I would even recommend putting these requirements on your dating profile page to weed out those not interested in healthy communication.

Consider these points when looking for a partner: Someone who values empathy and emotional intimacy, and understands the importance of talking to work out problems. Must have prior knowledge of how the brain and emotions work in intimate relationships or be willing to learn. Must have a willingness to discuss relationship values.

Empathy is the ability and willingness to put yourself in the skin of another person and imagine how they feel (which can be completely different from how you see and feel things).

Without empathy, how do we understand each other?

Without a capacity for empathy, treating you with compassion, kindness, and consideration will likely not be a priority for your partner.

When relationships are strained, humor can defuse a struggle and transform a moment from bad to better.

For example, Ramu knew just the right time to use humor with Mayuri He could tell when her mood shifted for the worse. Mayuri all of a sudden became critical of Ramu , nitpicking at things she usually didn’t mind. Ramu could sense that Mayuri was irritated with him.

Instead of getting defensive or withdrawing, two strategies that rarely help, he would say to her with warmth in his eyes and a goofy voice, “Are you trying to pick a fight with me?”

It stopped Mayuri dead in her tracks and forced her to contemplate his question. “Am I trying to pick a fight?” she asked herself. “Yes, I guess I am.”

His humor made it possible for her to become aware of, and own, her anger. Now that her anger was conscious, she could figure out what was bugging her and talk about it with Ramu directly. She would not have been able to do that were it not for his humorous “invitation” to talk.

Humor is not always the right approach. But when it works, it works well.

Two people who love each other and are motivated to stay together have the power to work out virtually all conflicts. Working out conflicts, however, takes time, patience, and skillful communication. Partners have to find common ground or be all right with agreeing to disagree.

It takes a while to resolve conflicts because there can be many steps to cover until both people feel heard.

Talking involves clarifying the problem, understanding the deeper meaning and importance of the problem, making sure each partner understands the other’s position, allowing for the emotions the topic evokes for each person, conveying empathy for each other, and brainstorming until a solution that feels right for both is found.

Problems have to be talked out until both people feel better.