The Q-Kids: Structure in Chaos

by John R. Nocero and Andrea L. Bordonaro

JRN:?We are often drawn to chaotic romantic partners because their chaos guarantees that we will feel needed. At the same time, we can become insecure around stable romantic partners because we worry that they’ll never fully need us. And that’s because: they won’t. and they don’t. and this is normal. When we accept being drawn to chaos, we are being drawn to drama. Drama is an exciting, emotional or unexpected series of events or set of circumstances.?And the majority of people that say they can’t stay drama are lying. They love it. They thrive on it. They flourish in the anxiety. They don’t want calm. They don’t want cool. They don’t want collected. Because truthfully, it’s dull and it’s boring.

Look, I know the fact that people think that they feel upset, angry or anxious is important. That it matters. But it doesn’t. Feelings are just things that happen and the meaning that we build around them – what we decide is important or unimportant – well that comes way later and that is what we think is important. But it isn’t. That feeling. We trust it way too much rather than the data that is in front of us.??Acting on feelings is too easy. Acting what we do that is good, that is when the positive effects last longer. The point is, doing what is good and right builds self-esteem and adds meaning to your life. So we should just ignore our feels and do what’s right. It is so simple. And it is. But it doesn’t mean it is easy.??And I think when people discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are disappointed when they discover they are not it.

?And these feelings are temporary. Wait five minutes. Your feelings will change.

?Here is my question this week – how do you set a boundary around drama or chaos in your life? I refuse to tolerate it and will walk away every time I encounter chaos. I used to keep good listeners around on purpose. I would talk to them and it would clearly be one-sided. I would drop all my issues on them and I wouldn’t listen to them.

I realized it was because I didn’t trust myself. Now, I trust my own judgment and my own thoughts. I know what I want and why I want it. I don’t need an army of people to listen to me. I have me. And I have a very small circle of people who I would go to if I needed something. Otherwise, I just go to me. Which in a sense is sad, but I have a lot less problems circulating in my head and I don’t have a network of free therapists anymore. The people I have around now are the ones that I want around.??How do you do it?

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ALB: This is something that I have worked VERY hard towards in the recent year or two in my life, both through regular therapy and with the support/encouragement of loved ones (close friends & certain family members). I do agree that a lot of people like to glorify chaos and cannot seem to live without it. I am very different. I crave calmness in a sense of wanting inner peace. It's something that everyone should strive for - it is the contentment that I feel when I lie my head down at night on my pillow after a long and busy day.

The feeling that I did my best, showed those who I care about that I do appreciate them, tried my best to model who I want my girls to strive to be, be a dedicated teacher, irreplaceable friend, caring daughter, and I even want my dog to feel my love, too. I give so much of myself that it is essential that I set boundaries and expect myself to follow through on them. I have learned that some people, even those I love and care deeply for, may not adhere to my boundaries, but it's not up to me to 'make' them do so, but instead, to reinforce consequences if they are not followed. I need to do this to keep my peace and happiness, but this is something that honestly has always been a big struggle for me. I am, by nature, a people pleaser, but the older I get, I realize how important it is to preserve my own energy, focus, and happiness instead of worrying about making everyone around me who I care about happy at that expense. I used to care way too much about what people thought about my decisions and such - no more... I set boundaries through clear communication and regular conversation.

I do my best to express myself while also keeping the other person's needs and desires in my head, too, but I am more careful to not let that override my own goals/wishes. Being compassionate and empathetic often brings challenges to this for me. I am blessed to have an amazing network of friends, some spanning?30+ years who I wholeheartedly trust.

I also learned a long time ago, during some of my greatest AND worst moments in my life, that very few people in my circle TRULY want me to be happy in every sense of the word. My dad tried telling me in high school and I never "believed" him, but as I mature, I realize how inherently true that is and the quicker that we realize it, the happier and more content we will be in life. As far as a happy relationship of any kind...it takes a whole person to join with a whole person to find the most joy, instead of relying on others to fill any void that we may feel within ourselves.

I am very social, but I am very private as well about my innermost thoughts, feelings, and desires. I protect my heart at all costs. This comes from life experiences, age, and time spent living. My feelings aren't as temporary as you describe above - it's been accurately said about me that "when you love, you love deeply, Andrea, and it's forever..." SO much truth to that statement. My feelings aren't usually all over the place because I am sure of what makes me happy, what I desire and what I want out of life. I distance myself from people who spawn negativity and create drama. I am still working very hard on this, but I am proud at how far I've come at doing so...all in my lifelong journey to true happiness :)