Q: Was Keir Starmer's dad REALLY a toolmaker?

Once upon a time, there was a man named Rodney Starmer, whose hands were as calloused as a politician’s conscience, and his heart beat to the rhythm of rivets.

Yes, my friends, Rodney was no ordinary bloke – he was a toolmaker. Not just any toolmaker, mind you. He was the kind who could fashion a spanner out of thin air, fix a leaky faucet with a wink, and recalibrate a broken compass using only his left eyebrow. Legend has it that when he sneezed, entire IKEA furniture sets assembled themselves in fear.

Now, some skeptics claim that Rodney didn’t merely toil away in a factory. Oh no, he owned the factory – a magical place where widgets danced the cha-cha and hammers serenaded screwdrivers. The Oxted Tool Co., they called it. Picture Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory, but instead of chocolate rivers, there were rivers of WD-40. And instead of Oompa-Loompas, there were grizzled old engineers named Bert who muttered incantations like, "By the power of the adjustable wrench!".

In the infamous Sky News debate. Keir, in his finest suit (probably stitched by a tailor who moonlights as a chisel sharpener), proudly declared, “My dad was a toolmaker!” The audience erupted in laughter. Some thought it was a clever metaphor for politics. Others wondered if Keir’s dad had built the podium. But Keir stood his ground, chin held high, as if to say, “Yes, my father wielded spanners, and I wield policies. Tomato, to-mah-to.”

You see, Keir faced a dilemma. He wanted to connect with the working class, but he also wanted to keep his Oxford degree polished. So, he dropped the “toolmaker” bomb like a political confetti cannon. “I’m just like you,” he whispered to the voters, “except my tea is Earl Grey, and my tool belt is metaphorical.”

And the people nodded, because nothing says “relatable” like a man who can discuss Hegel while tightening a loose screw.

In the end, Keir Starmer’s dad remains a symbol of blue-collar magic. Whether Rodney truly owned the factory or just borrowed it for weekend DIY projects, we’ll never know.

Unless Mr. Starmer tells us of course!

And that, my friends, is the wrench in Keir’s political toolbox. ????????