#PV - Tale of Two E-Mails

By John R. Nocero and Sandy Abell

John: Last week, I sent two e-mails. The first was to someone I have been friends with for at least five years. It was the general catch-up, hey how are you e-mail. No reply. It has been six days. Now, I realize that people get busy, they have emergencies, they stay away from their computers for a time. But still, in my mind, no reply is still a reply. So, in my head, I wish them love and move on. If they reply, great. I will be glad to hear from them. If they don’t great, I will be glad for the experience.

The second e-mail – it was an old colleague’s birthday so I reached out and said happy birthday. They thanked me. I then said, hey it has been a while since we talked, about two years, can we chat? They were like absolutely. So, I called them last week and we talked for about an hour. It was one of those conversations where at the end, you almost feel like crying because you reconnected, because you think, why don’t I talk to this person more often? So I said that to them. They were like, yes, I feel the same, we should catch up more often too.

So, now we will. I plan to drop them a note at the end of this week, just a general touch base. Because I miss them.

Those are the people I want in my life Sandy. They look forward to me calling, talking and writing and I the same. You shouldn’t have to force it, because if you do, that is not a real friendship anyway. Step back, send people love and let them move on.

Or you let them back in.

Sandy, thoughts.

Sandy: It’s been my experience John, that friendships are tricky. I’ve been around a long time and am still trying to figure it all out.

I heard a long time ago that relationships are for a reason (like you have a project to do together), a season (your common bond is that you work together or are raising kids together), or a lifetime (like you and Kelly -- committed through thick and thin.) This seems to make sense to me.

There have been people who I connected with through various means and really enjoyed. But when whatever had originally brought us together ended, so did the friendship. No big problems. It just faded away.

Then there are those rare few who wanted to stay friends even when our paths diverged. When this happens it’s important for both parties to make an effort to reach out and continue connecting. One sided doesn’t work.

 It sounds like your second e-mail was to one of those folks. It’s wonderful he is in your life, and great you will have a life-long friendship.

When people faded away, I used to take it personally and try to figure out what I’d done to offend them. Eventually I learned that it usually wasn’t anything either of us had done. It was simply that circumstances had changed and we no longer had anything in common.

Losing some of those people still makes me sad, because they are terrific folks and we had a great time together. However, like you, I no longer want to be in a relationship I have to force. So, I thank them for what we had and let them go. That seems to work best for both of us.