PV - I'm Out

By John R. Nocero and Sandy Abell

 John: Hey Sandy, I was part of a co-op group up until yesterday. There were a couple of different things that happened that I didn’t agree with, so I decided to leave. I left with no animosity or drama, I incorporated a lesson that you taught me – this is no longer working for me in the present iteration – and I left.

 I realize this approach is not for everyone but it felt authentic to me. So, I know I made the right choice. When you let people treat you any kind of negative way, you devalue yourself.

 The flip side of this is trusting so little in so many that you become a hardened criminal, where you never trust anyone. But trust is something that you have to earn. You don’t trust anyone out of the gate – you don’t know them. Gradually over time, people earn your trust. You are one of the few that I trust implicitly but then I again, I also realize that you have been in my life for 10+ years.

 What was interesting to me however was how people reacted. I got the obvious – what can we do to make you stay and we don’t want you to go. Thing is, it was not a power play, it was not something I was trying to do to gain control.

 It no longer served me, so I’m out. When it happened, I thought, if you wanted to make me stay, you could have treated me better while I was there.

 Sandy – the questions this week, how/what do you tell someone to do when they want to leave a certain situation, and what advice can you give them for when the inevitable happens: people reach out and ask you to stay?

 Sandy: Great topic today John! I’m impressed with how you handled the situation. As you said, no drama or animosity was necessary (it almost never is). You simply decided that the group no longer met your needs and it was time for you to move on. You handled it professionally and took care of yourself.

 It’s unfortunate that the people in this group lost your trust, but that often happens in relationships. Trust is such an important and sensitive subject. As we’ve discussed before, trust is very hard to build and incredibly easy to lose. For trust to exist, all the people involved have to be honest, reliable, truthful, respectful and consistent. We have to know they will be there for us, and we also have to give that in return. And it takes time. Trust is built over years.

 It’s also very easy to lose. If someone lies, or doesn’t follow through with what they said they’d do (another kind of lie), or betrays you in some way, the trust will be destroyed. It will then take an honest conversation and a long time of positive behavior to rebuild it. Sometimes it’s worth the effort, or as in the case of your group, is might not be.

It’s great that you looked at your needs and made your decision to leave the group based on what was best for you. As we grow, years pass, and situations change, what was once a good fit might no longer be.

 It’s important to be able to look at it and decide if it still works for you or doesn’t. Just because others want you to stay doesn’t mean you should, if it’s not good for you. If it’s no longer a good fit, that doesn’t mean anybody is wrong, it just means that you’ve outgrown each other in some ways, and it’s time to take care of yourself.

 Thank them for the good times you had, let them know you appreciate them, and also that it’s time for you to move on. Just as you did.