#PV - Deal Friends or REAL Friends?

By John R. Nocero and Sandy Abell

John: Sandy, do you have real friends or do you have real friends? I was reading an article over the weekend that helped put this into focus. We talk about friendship a lot. According to Brooks (2021), there is one type of friend almost everyone has: the buddy who can help you get ahead in life, the friend from whom you need or want something.

You don’t necessarily use this person—the benefit might be mutual—but the friendship’s core benefit is more than camaraderie. These are what some social scientists call “expedient friendships”—with people we might call “deal friends”—and they are probably the most common type most of us have.

The average adult has roughly 16 people they would classify as friends, according to one 2019 poll of 2,000 Americans. Of these, about three are “friends for life,” and five are people they really like. The other eight are not people they would hang out with one-on-one.

We can logically infer that these friendships are not an end in themselves but are instrumental to some other goal, such as furthering one’s career or easing a social dynamic. 

Over the last week, I have stopped talking to my deal friends and am putting more effort into my real friends. Brooks notes, that you might not be able to put it into words, but you probably know how these “perfect” friendships feel. They often feature a shared love for something outside either of you, whether that thing be transcendental (like religion) or just fun (like baseball), but they don’t depend on work, or money, or ambition. These are the intimate friendships that bring us deep satisfaction.

So, I am working more at the friendships that give me deep satisfaction, and less on those that I can either give something to, or who want something from me.

 Sandy, thoughts:

Sandy: It appears that friendship is on your mind these days John. It is a huge and fascinating subject, and well worth looking at. In a recent PV we talked about the Traffic Test of friendship. Meaning that when we are with a particular friend, we hope the traffic will be slow so we can spend more time together. It appears that the people who pass the Traffic Test are the ones you see as your “real” friends.

I think it’s important to be aware of the level and kind of friendship we have with each person in our life, but we don’t need to judge one as “better” than another. All kinds of friendships serve a purpose.

The reality is that friends, like most things in life, come and go. Sometimes they appear and we have a great time, and then for some unknown reason things change and they go away. Sometimes they come and stay, and we’re not really clear why that works either.

In my world, these are some of the qualities my really good friends have:

·        They have my back and will support and stand by me. I can count on them to be there when I need them.

·        They are always honest, respectful, and reliable. Even if we disagree, we can discuss things without making them personal or getting angry.

·        I always feel emotionally and physically safe with them.

·        They accept me for who I am and don’t try to change me.

·        They want what’s best for me and acknowledge my feelings and really listen and hear my thoughts.

·        They don’t let the little things become big things.

·        They care about me and what is important to me.

Of course, I do all these things with them, and together we have a beautiful friendship.