Putting People First

Dr. Zan’s Thoughts:

This week’s blog posted on my parents’ wedding anniversary. They married 70 years ago. While I have been missing them both for several years now, they enjoyed nearly 63 years of marriage before the 1st passed. It just so happened that my dad’s birthday was the day before their wedding anniversary, and he always considered marrying my mom to be his best birthday gift--and one that kept on giving. The older I get, the more I can fully appreciate his sentiment.

I am very grateful that I was raised in a family where relationships were valued. It has been my commitment to bring this value to the family I have worked to create alongside my own long-term partner. We have tried to teach our children that it’s always more important to be connected than it is to be right. It is more important to be certain that everyone is having fun than it is to win. (This is a hard one for us--especially for me as an inherently fierce competitor. While still a work in progress, we get the value--pun intended.) It is more important to listen fully than it is to get your clever point across. People matter so much more than stuff or status or achievements. 

“Family first” is both a motto and a behavioral guide that we have tried to carry with us into our professional lives. Yes, work is important, and we strive to instill a strong work ethic in our children; however, when someone we love is in need, that must take priority. And we have to be prepared to make such decisions in a split second. In my own experience, most of my workplaces have aligned fully with this notion. Those which have not are far in my rearview mirror. In addition, the work environments where I was able to offer the most and best of myself and my gifts have been those that, by their very nature and culture, created a close- knit community that resembled and felt like family. When you surround yourself continually with the friends that you choose to function as family in your life, then big decisions become easy. Clarity is available. And when decisions or experiences are not presenting themselves as simple or clear, there is always plenty of support to help you navigate. 

Here’s one of my best life lessons that has been reinforced in recent weeks: When I need something, I have many resources and supports. My sadness needn’t cause me to retreat or withdraw. There are others who can, will, and want to help me. There is absolutely no need to “go it alone,” and there is no admirable strength in choosing solitude and isolation when there are other alternatives. My supportive friends and family are always available to me, and I need only ask for access to their time and wisdom.

We all have important, loving people in our lives. Sometimes we need to swallow our pride to make a request for input and loving support. Humans are social creatures. Let’s embrace that, and stand with those we love. And may we always put people at the top of our list of priorities.

Dr. Nadine’s Reflections:

I wish I had the pleasure of reporting that those professional experiences which prioritize tasks over relationships, or being right over winning, are far in my rearview mirror.  Not though the case.

So what is to be done when those around you live by different values than you do?  While you honor and gaze lovingly at your connection to others, your inner circle of family or friends or colleagues often look elsewhere.  They focus on their chores, their jobs, their pleasures, their entertainment, their conveniences, and mostly on themselves. It’s a frustrating experience to reach out and have your bond rebuffed or -- at worst -- ignored.

Hopefully you’ve been able to cultivate a few precious relationships on which you can count for support and empathy.  And that you also have loved ones with whom you can share joy and humor and happiness.

But if you’re not surrounded by enough of those wonderful people, remember that acknowledging and accepting life as it presents itself is the first step toward improving it and making peace with it.  Katherine Mansfield says “Everything in life that we really accept undergoes a change.” Acknowledging your reality as it actually is provides clarity.  Accepting it pulls you out of being stuck and immobilized in the mire of wishful thinking. 

So whether or not you’re blessed with marvelous individuals that put relationships first, and no matter what your current circumstance is, accept it.  In the words of Natalie Goldberg, “Our task is to say a holy yes to the real things of our life as they exist.”* Let go of the struggle that things should be different.  Let the process of change begin.

*Goldberg, Natalie.  Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within.  Boston: Shambhala, 1986.