Put your !@#$%^&* phone down!

We are all guilty of it, looking at our phone during a dinner, family event or meeting. We’re living vicariously through our friends and their puppies, new shoes, wonderful vacations or latest party stunt, it’s becoming a never-ending pastime. We’ve raised a generation of young adults with greater demands on their time, their attention, their concentration and their social interactions. As they become parents, will their conditioning allow their willpower to put the phone down?

 1.      It was work, but still not an excuse. Almost 15-years ago I was helping a friend, Tony, coach our boy’s baseball team. One evening he sent me an email politely suggesting that I put my Blackberry down during practice. I was shocked and ashamed to admit he was right, I was on my “crackberry” as my company was an early stage startup and it seemed as if we worked 24/7.   I didn’t want to be on my phone, it was work and at the time I am sure I thought it was important, but it could have waited until practice was over. From that point forward, I tried to disengage from my phone in the evenings so I could be in the moment with my family. I was moderately successful, but at least I was aware.

2.      It’s a tool, or is it? We now face a different problem, an epidemic of sorts. We are on our smartphones constantly, often for useful purposes. My phone allows me to be present at games or practices and still be productive and I love the convenience of apps for weather, sports and the instant access to information or a strange trivia question. These are viable uses for technology, however, social media apps are a different story. The information shared on Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat is often irrelevant yet it all consuming. The phone has replaced the mall, the parking lot hangout, etc., changing the quality of time spent with friends or family in a real setting. I work with many young adults, oddly enough, they very good at unplugging from work when they leave the office – this is usually a positive trait, as my generation often took work home. It’s the time spent away from work that we must consider. Look around, as I do at my own family, and you will be appalled and saddened by the amount of time spent looking at a screen. My two boys (15 and 20) are constantly on their phones (my daughter, 23, seems to have just missed this phenomenon – she’s still on social media but better at unplugging when with friends and family). The look on my son’s faces is apathetic, as if they know this is a complete waste of time. What are they looking at? Short videos of their friends partying, making a pizza, fixing a countertop, cars, shoes, following their favorites sports stars or actors and their shoes and cars ?.

3.      We are calling it in as parents. There is NOTHING more important than giving children 100% of your attention when you are with them (as well as your spouse!). Looking them in the eye, acknowledging what they are saying and having a conversation when they are young means more to young children than most parents know. It’s in these little moments you are truly parenting – you learn to understand how your children operate and more importantly spot those times when something just isn’t right. My wife has “radar”, an amazing early-warning system, and can sense if our kids are having a good day or a difficult day. It’s very subtle and usually based on how talkative they are. If we hadn’t paid attention to their behavior when they were young we would have missed these signals. Many parents allow their children to have a TV and video game counsel in their rooms, or allow them to disappear for hours in front of a screen because it is often easier than engaging with their kids. I realize there are exceptions to every rule. We have close friends with four wonderful kids, three of whom have now graduated and are out on their own. Their youngest child has special needs and technology has been a blessing and serious ally in their parenting strategy. Gaming systems, iPads, smartphones and learning apps play a critical role in her development and provide a patient respite for them while working, running a home and supporting three older and very active siblings. They monitor it carefully and in this case, the rare exception, technology is positive. Again, this is an exception, back to the issue at hand.

4.      Time to take a stand. Many of you will read this and throw in the towel, accepting this disengaged future – even though deep down you agree with everything up to this point. Fine, but don’t look back in a few years when your kids are struggling as parents and wonder “how did this happen?”. Disengaged parents will lack discipline, miss the warning signs and more importantly lack the bond we had with our kids. Scared? Not sure where to start?

5.      Try these simple steps:

·        First, talk about smartphones with your kids – without smartphones in the room. Sounds awful, right? A meaningful conversation with your kids? Why are they on their phones? What are they looking at? Why is it important to them? Why should they put their phones down? We actually like our kids and enjoy spending time with them – so we tell them that, and then we do things with them. Knowing you care means a lot, even if they don’t show it. Hopefully this helps them think about how they will handle parenting.

·        Put a moratorium on phones when you are together. Make a charging station or a basket where all the phones go when they walk in the house. I think back to my father-in-law, Vince, who was one of the greatest listeners I have ever known. When we visited he put everything aside, sat me down at the kitchen table and asked me about my week. There were no distractions, no phones, no screens, just the two of us engaged in a real conversation. He would ask intelligent questions and would treat me like I was the most important person on the planet and rarely offered his opinion. This could go for hours. Ask yourself when the last time you had a conversation or played a game with your kids that wasn’t interrupted by a smartphone?

·        Unplug their rooms. Pull the TV’s and computers from their rooms and put them where the family gathers. Homework can be done at the kitchen table and TV should a privilege, something to be done as a family. This should be the case until they leave for college. Prepare for mutiny and a good cry if this is a change to your current situation.

·        Make family meals a must. My wife gets all the credit here. She has always made the evening meal a time to connect and share our days – no phones allowed! Like most families this became difficult when sports entered the picture with multiple practices, games, and events taking over our evenings. During this time, there was still a meal, even if only one of the kids was home, we stopped our other activities and sat with them, sometimes at 10:00 pm, to hear about their day and practice. Not every meal will be the best, some are quiet, kids just need space at times. Other dinners will surprise you as they are talkative and share something exciting or concerning. It’s a natural flow and as mentioned before, patterns start to emerge, making it easier to spot trouble early. We have music playing in the background every evening, a tradition my kids have followed. It ranges from Sinatra, Dave Matthews, Bruno Mars, Justin Timberlake to Slightly Stoopid, just depends on the night, guests, season and our mood. Music can be a great bond and more importantly, the right music is calming and allows you to talk while making dinner.

·        Do, something. To unplug you must “get up” and go out of your way to engage your children. Often when I get home from work I ask my 14-year old to go with me to the grocery store, either we walk or go for a ride. He may resist but two minutes into our walk we are talking, holding a meaningful conversation and connecting. It shows him that I care, want to know how he is doing and what he is doing. Topics can range from school, sports, girls, our favorite show and even upcoming movies and if done consistently, the difficult issues he is facing surface, allowing me to dive in when he opens the door. These moments can't be forced, they need to happen naturally but if you don't have a relationship with your children that's just what you need to do, force the issue - how does that usually work?

·        Put Them in the Driver’s Seat. Having a smart phone gives one a sense of connection and control. Offer the same sense of connection and value by asking your kids to “own a night”. Pick the meal, help prepare it and even set up a post-dinner game night. They can even choose the music (be the DJ). This gives them a sense of purpose and helps them understand the preparation that goes into family meal. It will take their focus off their phones and allow them to connect to their family a meaningful way.

·        Finally, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. While we need to become actively involved as parents to help curb the impact and reach of “screen time”, smart phones and apps are not going away. Meet your kids halfway. Engage with them on social media, share their lives and share yours, it’s a wonderful way to see what they are doing and build trust. I have an account and follow my kids on Instagram (I let my wife handle Snapchat ??) and we share a group text called FAMSQUAD and communicate regularly as a family. This can be a joke, story, score of a game, or even planning a family trip. We also utilize FaceTime with our daughter in NYC and now that we have visited, can relate to everything we are seeing in the background – splendid examples of how technology builds relationships vs. limiting them.