Put the REAL in Resilience

You can’t swing a COVID facemask around the ethersphere these days without bumping into the word RESILIENCE.  I wrote about it myself a few months back, and Arianna Huffington recently picked it as her word for the year. And there is great reason!

But before you go getting that Resilience 2020 tattoo on your left bicep, yours truly is here with a word of caution.  Here’s why.

Resilience is defined as: “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.”

?But you know those ubiquitous mass-mail family holiday letters that highlight Jane’s awesome soccer win, Johnny’s big dance recital* and snaps of that romantic ski weekend in the Alps, but somehow skip the share about Johnny’s D in math, Jane’s struggles with online bullying, family financial woes and all those nights you slept on the couch? Yup. Me, too. And just like those letters, when it comes to resilience, we too often focus on and celebrate the RECOVERY part without giving time, space and grace for the “tough” part. 

Now, I am not talking about buying a one-way ticket to Wallow Town. No one benefits from that. But I amtalking about being real about what’s been – c’mon let’s face it – a crap year.  But you don’t have to be in COVID lockdown to benefit from showing up as your more authentic self. In fact, if there is one thing we could also carry with us into 2021 and beyond, is this:  

Put the REAL in resilience. 

It’s easy!  Here’s how:

1.    DON’T SAY YOU’RE “FINE”:When someone ask you how you’re feeling, TELL them. Really. During a recent tune-in at our weekly team standup, many of us – including me –were “fine” or even “good” (yeah, right.) But one colleague blurted out: “I’m having a s#@* day.” Wow. Yup. That moment of realness opened the entire team up to a) sharing their own struggles b) curiosity and offers of support,  and c) a monumental leap in deepening the team’s culture of trust.

We too often focus on and celebrate the RECOVERY part of resilience without giving time, space and grace for the

“tough” part.

2.    DON’T DOWNPLAY DIFFICULTY:Now that the cat’s out of the bag on the bad day, week (or, yes, YEAR!)  you’ve been having, don’t downplay it or brush it away. Sit with it and acknowledge your feelings. Pain, anxiety, anger, sadness. Whatever it may be. You can do this on your own, but better still, find a Resilience Buddy to share with. And if you’re the buddy on the receiving end of this download, remember: you are nothere to solve for anything. Your most important job?  LISTEN. Really listen. Acknowledging and giving space for how we are feeling is an important (and typically short-changed) step on the resilience journey.

3.     DO ONE THING:  You may already feel a bit better just from the simple act of authentically reflecting on and sharing your experience/emotions (if not, that’s OK, too). The next step that can moving you from REAL onto the windy path toward resilience? Pick one thing – just one! – that may help you address your stress. Missing family? Schedule a zoom call. Freaking out trying to balance work and family? What can you drop? (hint: not all homework (or work-work) is created equal. What do you really need to focus on and what can wait?) This isn’t about “fixing” the problem. It’s about controlling what you can to help reduce stressors and increase joy (see my Building Resiliencepost for more tips on this.) Consider asking your buddy to hold you accountable for your one thing! That helps, too!

*UNCONSCIOUS BIAS BONUS: yes, I deliberately included this as a #flipittotestit moment. You. Are. Welcome. (and thanks Kristen Pressner!)