Put The Phone Down. Losing Intimacy Over The Line.
I think the greatest compliment I ever got was from a female friend who said I want what you have. She was speaking of my marriage and the relationship I have with wife. I was really proud of that because it made feel like I have done my job as a husband. My wife and I do have a great relationship, and at the time of this writing we have been married for 12 years. I get asked both personally and professionally what makes a successful marriage? I don't know if I have all the answers, but in today's age, I’ll say "Put the phone down".
Working in mental health for the past 30 years I have done my share of relationship work. Some things will always ring true, but today so many let the cell phone interfere, and in some cases destroy their relationship. Let me give you a few examples.
Lost on this generation are interpersonal skills. I was truly shocked when I looked up this statistic. The average person looks at their cell phone 110 a day. It gets worse. In the evening we check out phones every 6 seconds. That can't be! So I did a little more research. Turns out, I was quoting one of the lower numbers. Everyone jokes about a zombie apocalypse. Don't laugh. It’s here. So I'll say it again. If you want your relationship to survive, "Put the damn phone down"!
A few years back I received 2 pieces of really good advice. I was in a Board Of Directors meeting and we were discussing a sensitive subject. The president said something that has stayed with me to this day. He said that if you're going to put something in writing, be it letter, text or email, you have to assume that it is going end up on the front page of the New York Times. Wow! I never thought of it in those terms. But he was right. The minute we text, email or put pen to paper, we no longer own or are in control of what happens next. So, from a professional standpoint it better be correct. I have since applied that principal to relationship work.
The other piece of advice I got was from my very good friend mine, and my office manager at the time, was never say anything to a member of the opposite sex that you wouldn't say in front of your spouse. Brilliant! Sometimes in these environments over the course of years we get close to a coworker. We have all heard terms like work-wife or work-husband. And while many times these conversations are harmless, its good to check-in with yourself and your spouse to make sure you're not creating a problem. I think most of us are guilty of it. So start with being honest with yourself and your motives.
Getting back to the zombie apocalypse. I cannot tell you the amount of clients I have worked with while running EAP programs about problems they cause in their relationship because they got caught up in sexting someone other than their spouse. Remember what you write and send you no longer own it. Believe me the rate of return is pretty high. In other words, it could and most likely will come back to bite you. I'm not talking about innocent flirting. I'm talking about specific language that can be damaging to your relationship. I go back to never say {or write} anything to another that you would not be comfortable saying in front of your spouse. It’s a betrayal of trust and intimacy.
It’s funny because in this situation when I confront a client about doing that, I inevitably hear something like its just fun, no one knows. Or, I'll never follow through with it. Two things to consider. First, then why do it at all? And secondly, how would you feel if you knew your spouse was doing that to you? More often than not I hear I wouldn't care. Well if you truly don't care that each of you is giving away intimacy freely, maybe its time to reexamine your relationship? But I think the first step is to have this conversation in front of your spouse. Let’s be honest. Lets be intimate.
The last point I would like to make in securing a healthy relationship concerning the phone is courtesy. When you're with your partner eating dinner, on a date or trying to have a conversation, put the phone down. It’s impossible to connect in a meaningful way if you're starring at your phone. Remember when you were first dating and you didn't check your phone every 5 minutes and answer every text/email? Do that! You can't build a relationship when you're mentally checked out of a conversation.
So while there are many things you can to strengthen or build a relationship, start here. Put the phone down. Know your worth. Know the worth of your relationship. Intimacy starts with connectedness. And you cannot connect with the person in front of you when you’re on the phone.