Put That Load Down, Sadhana

Sadhana was very happy today. Her School principal had appreciated her for sensitive handling of children. It was rare to be appreciated by him especially in a large school gathering; most of the time he was critical. She never liked him but all the same what he said affected her. He could make her feel high or low. It all depended on his mood and not her actions. That is why she often avoids him but being the head of school, she had to deal with him irrespective of her liking.

And when she is happy and in good mood, her class children can see the difference in her behaviour. She is more engaged with them, shares jokes and laughs more often. She often saw her class XI boys looking at her admiringly. They would often tell her how elegant she looked in white cotton sari; her streak of grey hair made her look more graceful, when she laughed, her pearl white teeth appeared like jewels.

Secretly, she liked being admired but never let it be known to those ‘growing up’ boys. These boys would often find some excuse to come and talk to her after the class as well. One boy brought Cadbury chocolate for her and quietly gave it to her without letting any one know about it. Exclusively for her! They loved her and perhaps lusted for her in their secret fantasies. She knew their testosterones levels were rising.

But she loses her good mood easily too. One small remark either about her increase in weight or about her being disorganized by her ‘loving’ husband Rakesh is enough to pull her down. Or jealous back-biting by some female colleagues is enough to spoil her day. She would ruminate on these issues for long enough time to lose her sense of well being. When Sunita, her colleague, mentioned to her that she is being perceived as ‘childish’ due to her frequent carefree behaviour during lunch time, she was really irritated.

“I am only trying to provide useful feedback to you, Sadhana” protested Sunita on her irritation.??“If you do not want to hear unpleasant but true aspects about you, I will never share again.”

“What do you mean childish? Do you know nobody in this school can match me in the understanding I display? I know most people are jealous here.” Sadhana was in foul mood.

Sunita did not know how to deal with this sudden burst of her dear colleague and friend Sadhana.

There was heavy silence hanging between the two. Suddenly tears started rolling down Sadhana’s cheeks. While Sunita looked intently at her with no verbal or non verbal gesture from her side to console her.

“I know I am unfair to friends when I show my anger more so when they mean well for me. I see myself as reactive to others statements and not in control of my own emotions. Maybe I am childish! ” The honest confrontation of self was quite painful.

It deeply moved Sunita and she moved closer to hold Sadhana’s hand in her own. A quite exchange of emotional warmth was taking place in this delicate moment. But it was louder than all the words could convey. Something deep within Sadhana moved.?

“You know what bugs me the most? I constantly seek attention and approval from others. I see myself as an emotional beggar asking for appreciation and approval most of the time.??I am the youngest of the five siblings and a girl at that in an Indian home having four sisters. Maybe to make my place in that large home, I have picked up this habit.

“ And you know what is the biggest folly in this. I am begging from other beggars. Can others really know me and understand me? Are they really competent to give me objective assessment? And who the hell are they to judge me?” Sadhana was reflecting on her own actions and was fully charged up with emotion.

“But who is giving them power to judge you Sadhana?” Sunita quietly showed her new perspective.

?“I am the one putting them on pedestal to sit there and pass judgment on me when I am taking as gospel truth what they are saying. They are not going to take care of my little child within me who is asking for love and approval and appreciation. They are too caught up in their own affairs to bother about my vulnerable little child.”

“Then who will best take care of that little child within you Sadhana?” Sunita was as succinct as possible in this moment of truth.

After a considerably long silence, Sunita started speaking softly, “ I alone will and I alone can. I can take care of the little child within me. Why should I make my little child suffer at the hands of people who may not be sensitive? And why should I allow the little child to be affected by what they say. I will give love and attention and appreciation to my own little Sadhana. I will protect Little Sadhana now on from this onslaught I have allowed it to suffer. ‘I will be more sensitive to you my dear Little One’.”

Sunita was nodding her head and felt a release within her own self at this release of Sadhana from her being the football of others opinions.

?Sadhana continued with new energy and enthusiasm, “I am the best friend of the little one within me. ‘I will look after you Little Sadhana and you are free from the constant need and pressure to seek approval from others from now onwards.’ This is my declaration of freedom from others approval!”

“ I am free!” Cried Sadhana with joy. “ I feel so released from my own shackles, and so light!”

“And even from that devil, the Principal sir?” teased Sunita.

“From all devils created by me. Please note,?created by me?because they are devil to the extent I give them power and put them on pedestal.”

“Wow! You are really wise Sadhana and not childish!”

And there was laughter playing around all over in the room.

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