Put Down Your Bag of Bricks

In the forty years I’ve been in clinical practice, I’m often asked, “How do I get on with my life?”?“How do I get over the past?”?“How do I heal?”

My answer?

“Put down your bag of bricks?”

None of us is immune from what has been called the “Tragic Triad.” Pain, guilt, and death.?No matter how we live our lives, we are subject to all these tragic realities.?The longer we carry yesterday’s tragedies, the heavier they become.

Fifty years ago, I was in an Army training camp.?I was issued a rifle, known as a “weapon.” I was impressed by how light it was compared to the hunting rifles and shotguns I had used. Then came a 10-mile march.?The 5-pound “weapon” got heavier and heavier. By the end of the march, it was a 50-pound cannon.

So, it is with the things we carry through the march of life.?A bag filled with bricks of pain, disappointments, failed relationships, family problems, rejections, sickness, and other past tragedies.?We dutifully carry our bag of bricks because of a misplaced sense of virtue, righteous indignation, guilt, or a misguided attempt to avoid reality.

Victimization As Virtue

It is my observation that many of the people who have find their way into my office have initially worn their victimization as a “badge of honor.” They seemed honored to have their life permanently changed by a tragic event. My personal life experiences have not made me insensitive to the pain of others.?To the contrary, my experiences have made me more aware of how people often doom their lives with their inability to process the past and move on.?In other words, put down their bag of bricks.

Despite my empathy for the suffering of others, it is my job to help others to choose to either be a “victim” or to be “victorious.”?It is a choice.?Life is filled with circumstances that change us, from day to day, or sometimes permanently.?It is my experience as a therapist that no one ever achieved a more successful life by learning how to become a better “victim.”

Life may be conceptualized on three levels, the past, the present, and the future.?It can only be lived in the present.?The only way the past has “life” is by symbolically bringing into our present reality.?By reaching into our bag and taking out a brick.?By looking at it, handling it, and recalling its impact on us.?Perhaps dropping in on our foot.?Smashing it into our face.?Whatever floats your boat!?Feel better? Not likely.

It is not a virtue to have suffered.?It is particularly not virtuous to justify today’s suffering by calling up yesterday’s suffering.?Tolerating unavoidable pain is often necessary, but not virtuous.

Triumphing over pain and suffering is virtuous. And it is a uniquely human quality made possible by the spiritual side of our existence.?Moreover, it allows us to enjoy our present life, to have gratitude, and plan a future, regardless of the cards life deals us.

We have a choice: Victim or Victorious.

Righteous Indignation

How could they do that to me??What did I do to deserve that? After everything I did for them, I can’t believe it! Righteous indignation.

No one is free from or immune to the tragedies of life.?Everyone, however, is free to have whatever attitude they wish, under any circumstances.?It has been called “tragic optimism.”?In simple language, making the best of life.

The fairest part of life is that its unfairness applies equally to everyone. Very bad things happen to very good people.?Very good things happen to very bad people.?However, while we are challenged by fate, we are not necessarily its victims.?Only we can make ourselves victims. Only we can become victorious over tragedy.?The difference is our attitude.

While we can never be free from tragedy and pain in our lives, we are always free to choose what attitude we will have.?We are free to have courage, to overcome fear, to be an actor, not a reactor.?

One of the ways to combat the tendency to feel we must determine what is “fair,” or what we “deserve,” is to engage in an actual virtue – humility.?Humility, which is the opposite of “pride,” assumes that we know less of a situation.?That we can’t see the big picture.?That there is more than what meets the eye.?Pride assumes we in a position to understand the entirety of the situation, to analysis it, to make a proclamation.?

Pride proceeds the fall.?Humility leads to gratitude, and gratitude leads to fulfillment.?Once again, a choice. Successful living involve making good choices.

The Bag of Guilt

Another reason people refuse to put down their bag of bricks is because each brick is painted with guilt.?The guilt must be removed before the brick can me discarded. Our behavior must be justified.?We did what we had to do.?We were right.?Anyone would have acted as we did. Recognize the pride?

Two things are obvious: First, if the guilty party believes their own logic, they wouldn’t be guilty in the first place, and second, the premise denies the nature of the human experience.

The fact is that good people do bad, harmful, or inappropriate things.?Sometimes they do them intentionally, and sometimes not.?Sometimes our behavior causes us embarrassment and remorse, most often, inappropriate behavior causes us guilt.?It is supposed to.?Guilt, like pain and death, is part of life.?There’s no way to avoid it!?There’s one way to accept it.

We accept guilt by accepting ourselves in all our imperfection. In all our ineptness.?In all our ignorance.?We are a work in progress.?Sometimes silly. Often wrong. Never perfect.?Always human.?Self-acceptance also has a bonus.?Besides helping us to deal with guilt and put down those bricks, it also helps us to accept others and their imperfections.?Self-acceptance makes us more fully human.

The Flight from Reality

Show me someone who refuses to deal with reality, and I’ll show you someone carrying a heavy bag of bricks! ?The reality of one’s life can be painful, dismal, and harsh.?The present can be overwhelming.?Often people need help to negotiate their present reality.?Perhaps therapy is appropriate.?In any case, however, reality is the only place to live.?Living elsewhere is an invitation to disaster.?

When reliving the past becomes one’s present reality either the past was so traumatic that the person is unable to process it, or the present is so challenging that they are unable to face it.?Sometimes both are true.?Being out of touch with reality can be dangerous in and of itself, or a predictor of a more serious outcome. ?

In assessing whether professional help is need, three factors must be assessed.?How functional is the person with respect to their work responsibilities, are their social relationship intact, and are they abusing substances??If one questions the need for help, there is likely a need for help. An appoint should be made for a professional assessment.

This article is certainly not the last word on processing and putting to rest one's “bag of brinks,” but it is hoped that for many it will be the beginning of a journey.?The first step in dealing with the past, negotiating the present, and building a future is to recognize the need to do so.?If you know someone who is carrying a bag of bricks, please pass this article on to them.?Perhaps they can use those bricks to build a better future!?

Thank you for reading our Newsletter, “Fix Your Life,” which is sponsored by the Therapy Training Institute.?I’d like to take this opportunity to ask for your help.?If you enjoyed this newsletter, please like it below, and share it with your connections or group.?We need your help to continue our growth and impact. Also, we need your feedback to address the issues that are important to you.?Please leave a comment below or contact me directly.?

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