Pushing Through vs Standing Still

This post is about my personal life. If you want to continue reading, do so, and thanks.

March 22. 2017: diagnosed with ulcerative colitis.

What is ulcerative colitis, you ask?

It is a chronic, autoimmune condition that causes your body to attack your large intestine, causing ulcers to form. This causes pain, uncontrollable bowel movements (when I gotta go I gotta GO), malnutrition and a hoard of other things. Certain foods trigger flares, well, many foods.

I grew up, a big ol' boy (6'3, 200+ lbs), eating all day long, outside all day long.

Now I can't eat as much, and the outdoors are great if a bathroom is nearby.

Over the weekend, I got hit with a major flare. Stress also triggers flares. I've been experiencing a lot of loss the past week or so, and it caught up with me. This weekend put simply, has been trying.

Luckily I overcame the hump, and was back to work today. Usually Monday's are a good day for me; they set the mood for the week. This morning, I was feeling utterly defeated. Reflecting on the last week or two, thinking about missed opportunities, ways I could've fought through the pain, what I should've done different. Typical #showerthoughts.

It's as if my boss knew this.

Usually, Monday morning meetings we talk about our wins from the week, personally and professionally. This morning, however, my boss asked for us to talk about what our goals for the year are. When he came to me, I told him something I have been working towards. Nothing huge, but important to me. He asked me, "Jacob, what are you working towards that gets you out of bed every morning." Instantly, my fiance sprang into my head. Our wedding next year sprang into my head. Our future family sprang into my head. In all of the pain, frustration, discouragement, and I'll admit a whole lot of COMPLAINING, I had lost sight of what was keeping me getting up everyday. When I told him my life goal, I instantly felt better.

I say all this, because slumps are real. Sometimes, you don't work as hard as you could've. Maybe I shouldn't say that as a newbie, but I am. Sometimes, you fall off the path, you get discouraged, you shut people out, you stop being vulnerable....and just like this sentence you kind of spiral.

After 11 am this morning, it's as if my condition melted away. I feel re-motivated. Maybe still a little tired from my past burdens, but re-motivated.

A lot of people who have ulcerative colitis experience this. A lot of people who are 100% "normal" experience this. Maybe don't "keep pushing", but start reflecting. Be silent. Talk to someone on the outside. Because I was off the path, and had to be guided back onto it by somebody else. God knows I wasn't really looking for it.