In Pursuit of Self Transformation

As I understand it yet.

Everyone's journey is unique.... so this is just another story. To read and find something to take...or not :)

" Truly, the greatest gift, you have to give, is that of your own self transformation" - Laozi

Start 1: Neutral

You aren't even looking at self transformation.

It is meant to happen organically. I am who I am . It is all destiny anyways. Getting work done and changing the world is important. Who I am will sort itself out. It has worked thus far. Who is to say it is broken?

You have nothing against those who pursue this but you have no love or time for it yourself. To each his own.

Start 2 : Rational Appeal

You are looking for someone who can explain what life is, what your purpose is, who is me and my highest self, how does science describe it ? Someone pls explain, explain, explain. What should I do?

You read books, attend sermons, listen to talks - your intellect is satisfied. You like it...at some level it satiates your thirst. You pursue it like another phd.

After a point, you can even argue on it, have an opinion, and teach others on it. Share links, posts and videos, study psychology, NLP, neuroscience. It is a new tag, hashtag #, degree. You see yourself as having arrived in this space as well. Talking about it makes you sound like one with character and depth ,someone who knows the workings of the human mind.

Your head is heavy and full with all the things you need to do, the world needs to know and needs to do. Specially to learn from you.

You may also feel like you are a new breed and those who don't know this are somewhat less - human?

You may even develop an occasional dislike for those who got you started on it as you 'discover' their human pitfalls and how developed you feel you are over them. Making them bigger than you hurts your ego.

Start 3 : Emotional Appeal

Eventually what is in your head, starts seeping into the heart. You realise what you have been talking thus far?- It was someone else's truth and not your own experience. Things begin to crumble - specially your exterior.

As it starts becoming your own experience, you see the depth from which the truth was spoken and how little of it really made it to the books and talks you were so addicted to.

You see yourself as the body of work that needs the most work and it melts your heart to see how well everyone still loves and works with you. To see how lucky you have been to have had all this - thus far.

For the first time, your head becomes lighter and your heart becomes heavier. You don't care if you understood everything, you crave for those experiences that make you fulfilled, loved , expanded and show you a glimpse of yourself.

Your creativity flares up, your passions ignite, you have a renewed deeper sense and pride for self. You walk differently and there is a glint in your eyes. Now your journey has really started. Gratitude is the first to seep in, then love. You look out for your guides and mentors and feel akin to them and their purpose.

Start 4 : Tremble and Shake

(This one may happen, if you don't continue on the path or take it for granted else you move to the next one.)

Sometimes you feel really good and other times really agitated. In fact, you probably never felt that agitated or angry before, when you were neutral or in the head.

You don't like feeling this way so often. There is so much that you need to learn and now you can see so many places you could have done that situation better. You are more out of control than you were before - you realize your triggers, your biases have been really running you- and you dislike it.

You suspect this is all useless. Nothing is really happening to you. There must be an agenda to make you feel this way. It is all designed to make you feel less perfect. It was better earlier. It is too much work getting yourself to like you, it is easier making money and buying that armani suit, so others like you.

Everyone seems much more happier NOT knowing who they are ! " Oh Why did I even have to get on this. Now I have to be successful ( to prove them I am important as well) AND be happy ( because my silly heart wont stop yearning ). Geez !"

Psst : Knowing yourself and faltering like a kid as you tread the 'real' path to yourself, is scary. It threatens your rigid ego. It is okay to falter, knowing that persisting is the key to learning any skill, and not escape.As you tremble and shake, all that was unreal , starts to fall off.

Start 5: Sweet Sufferings

You pursue,only to realize that everyone's suffering effects you now. At some level, you are more aware and alert of what is happening to you , what is happening to those near you and in the world.

Something hurts that all is not well. Somehow you feel it is your responsibility. Somehow something can be made better. You just don't know what. You try everything, even possibilities you didn't believe in earlier. You try new mentors to see if someone can fast track you out of this sweet pain.

Psst : Keep at it though. This is the cocoon phase. Too early and you wont have enough blood in the wings to fly . Continue steadfastly and be okay for it to be slow. Slow pressure cooks the best meals... you do know.

Start 6 : Action

You realize you can't sit anymore waiting for purpose to come to you. You start doing something to help others. Anything . You save birds, earthworms, give food to beggars, smile at others, help them, teach your help's children, take interest in everyone's wellbeing.

Suddenly the world opens up to you as you open up to them. These actions, driven from an inner pulse ( compared to earlier actions from ego or obligation to the world) , power you up.

You now have less times where you question things and your own journey, as more and more time gets spent thinking about how what you already have (even with a broken mind and heart) can fix something for someone else.

Start 7: Ego

As you continue to do good, this one comes up again. Look at all the good work you have done, and the amazing person you have become. You must be so proud. I always knew you deserved this and more. People didn't know you before and now they do.

It whispers " There is good reason that others will try to pull you down. There is so much negative in the world too. Come on, you can't be naive. This far on faith and innocence was okay. Now you have more to lose, now you should be careful about letting your heart open. Not everyone understands and respects it."

Psst: Listen to it and then let go. Ego keeps you safe. Your heart keeps you going. You need both - tamed though- as you find that balance in which things work - between the material plane and the inner plane.

Start 8 : Bliss, Love and Gratitude

"Change yourself and you have done your part in changing the world" - Paramahansa Yogananda

You feel blessed, loved and in so much gratitude. It doesn't matter what the world says or does, there is only love and gratitude for them. Their existence alone and not their actions, is worth all your love.

Everything seems connected , and in energy. Everything is as it should be.

Start 9: A good Mix of all - Your unique Individual Journey

No, you don't become enlightened just yet :))

You spiral a lot, sometimes even going back to Start 2. ( You never go back to 1. Phew !).You start reading again, listening, connecting - there is more head and heart. You are still curious and yet not dependent on it though.

Why spiral?- because you may think you are looping and yet you always are moving much ahead from where you where before. Even if it doesn't 'seem' so.

You are more aware as these pangs come and go. Your oscillations between two extreme thoughts is much less. Your love and care gets more solid and so does your experiences of your self. As each experience sets another reference point for you, you deviate less and less from it.

Start 10: Anchored and Restart

Not much sways you. You are not moved by appreciation nor by criticism. Doesn't mean you don't enjoy them both. Both spur you into action.

You just treat your emotions and your 'self' differently.

You only report to your higher self.

You feel the responsibility for your 'family' so deeply, you are not afraid to be firm or gentle, as the situation calls.

Your need to approve of others or be approved reduces. Both only serve a cause, nothing more.

There is more to you than your own energy. Tasks are run from a different space.

You stay that way as your next level of development starts. Only, again, the threshold is set much higher again ...and the next roller coaster starts. There is still so much left to discover ...same old challenges with newer faces.

That's it for today....

Thankyou for your time. More someday later ...

(p.s Each is mentioned as a start as each could take you on a trip, feeling complete in itself. It could be years before you get to the next start . Unless you have a guide, your own sherpa - someone who sees the maze from a better vantage point than you do and thus directs you out of it. )

To finding your own Sherpa soon !

Love, Nidhi