In pursuit of delayed gratification.

When it comes to emotional intelligence (EQ), it is undeniable that our ability to regulate our emotional reactions to situations and people, is being sharply tested by the challenges the ongoing pandemic outbreak is throwing at us.

Fortunately, we’ve also seen an outbreak of altruism - as people look to support others across all walks of life.

This includes contributions from groups such as the Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Network, who have responded to the situation by assembling online resources that can help us address ongoing uncertainty and distressing emotions. Susan Kahn’s excellent book Bounce Back: How to Fail Fast and be Resilient at Work explains how even when we fail at being resilient during any point in our lives, we can learn from it and come back stronger. Listen to her talk more about this here.

Whilst it’s understandable that many of us only look towards self management skills when things are not going well - we should also be thinking about the impact our emotions can have on our choices, when faced with more ambiguous situations as well.

In this EQuip toolkit blog, I’ll be exploring self management by looking at the importance of delayed gratification; acknowledging why it’s a continual endeavour and suggesting some ways we can put it into practice more often.

Sugary beginnings:

People with a passing interest in psychology will have likely heard of ‘The Marshmallow Test’. Carried out by the Stanford professor Walter Mischel, the experiment began by bringing a child into a room, asking them to sit down and placing a marshmallow on the table in front of them.

The researcher would then explain to the child that they would now leave the room and if they didn’t eat the marshmallow before they returned, they would be rewarded with a second one. In essence, they were offering the child a simple choice between a small, immediate reward or a larger, delayed reward.

In the years following the test, the researchers conducted follow-up studies of both the children that ate the marshmallow and those that waited to receive the second marshmallow.

Regardless of the metrics they looked at - such as higher SAT scores or lower instances of drug or alcohol abuse - children who were willing to delay gratification were recognised as achieving more success as they went through life.

In many ways, it seems obvious that ignoring tempting distractions and remaining focused on bigger goals will always pay off in the long-run. But in reality this is often harder to do than it sounds.

Easier said than done:

For some people - and perhaps those who don’t have a sweet tooth (!) - it can be easy to look at something like the marshmallow test and think - delayed gratification? That’s easy! 

Fair enough. 

But what if the distractions along the way suddenly become really enticing and the pot of gold at the rainbow becomes harder to see? Ultimately being able to consistently delay gratification can be challenging regardless of whether the emotions connected to the situation feel bad or good. Here’s a couple of scenarios that may resonate.

Feeling trapped:

I’ll take a calculated guess and suggest that on at least a few occasions this year a well-meaning friend or family member has offered you an opportunity to meet-up and break lockdown or social distancing rules. Regardless of our individual beliefs, we can all probably appreciate the importance of doing our best to play our part when it comes to the overriding goal of these restrictions, namely reducing the risk - however small - of contracting or spreading COVID-19. Even though we can be confident of seeing people again, prolonged isolation, the fear of missing out and the social anxiety that we can experience by saying “no” to people (especially when it’s more than once) can make it overwhelmingly difficult to pass on the opportunity to get some instant gratification from the company of others.

It’s OK to fail:

I’m not casting any judgment here - I’ve often faced scenarios like the ones above and failed when it comes to putting delayed gratification into practice.

The important thing to remember here - which also applies for emotional intelligence (EQ) as a whole - is that we will inevitably come up short sometimes when it comes to successfully deploying these traits. But as long we’re prepared to keep trying, we are more likely to see improvements.

And even if we think we would have immediately eaten the marshmallow as a child, there’s still plenty of ideas we can try out in order to strengthen our delayed gratification.

Let’s take a quick look at a few of them.

Repurposing your top strengths:

In our last EQuip toolkit blog, we made reference to the VIA self-report questionnaire in the context of identifying our personal strengths and as a means to better understanding the behavioural traits that work in our favour. Self-regulation is actually one of the strengths listed in the VIA. For people struggling with delayed gratification, it is likely that this strength does not score very high on their report.

Kelly Miller, a coach and regular contributor to PositivePsychology.com suggests repurposing a top strength - in order to address this and help pull your strength of self-regulation forward. Harnessing some specific, positive self-talk based on the situation can also prove useful. 

Let’s say one of your top strengths is love - characterised by embracing a warm and supportive approach. When faced with the temptation of seeing other people during lockdown, drawing on this strength could be about saying: 

“I care too much for the people in my life to put them at any risk right now - no matter how small the chances might be”.

Or how about your top strength is being curious - characterised by actively building knowledge and taking an on-going interest in an experience. When faced with a client pitch at work you are convinced has gone well, drawing on this strength could be about saying:

“Everything looks to be heading the right way here, but how about I build out just a few more relevant benefits for the client and check in with them tomorrow just in case they need some information?”

And because your top strengths are the ones that come most naturally to you - it should also be possible to make them work in new ways, regardless of their explicit nature

The ‘Seinfeld Strategy’ for consistency:

James Clear, author of the best-selling Atomic Habits, has shined a light on an approach that the American comedian Jerry Seinfeld uses for combating the temptations of short-term gratification. It centres around an idea he has coined called “not breaking the chain”.

It requires use of a calendar, a red pen and a task that serves your long-term interests, but is relatively effortless to sustain.

Here’s a scenario to demonstrate how it works:

Let’s say you want to become better at understanding a specific topic that will help you in your job or next career step. Instead of ordering a pile of relevant books - feeling like you have made a good start and then finding yourself stressed out by the order in which to read them - print out a calendar template and stick in on your wall. Then each day - search for an online article on the topic. Better still set-up something like a Google alert and read the first one that looks interesting each morning. Once you have read it, draw a big red cross against that day’s date on your calendar. 

Interestingly this approach actually puts less attention on the long-term prize itself - which whilst appealing can often seem too far away to stay focused on - especially when surrounded by life’s distractions. Instead it puts the emphasis on the process and you become focused on keeping the ongoing chain intact, getting closer to your prize as a by-product.

The trick here is obviously finding the right balance when it comes to the task. It needs to be simple, but also meaningful. If your goal is to get fitter, reading an article about running won’t be as useful as doing a short-run every day. By all means read the book - just don’t count it as one of your crosses!

The key take-aways:

The idea that it is crucial to be practising delayed gratification all the time is a daunting one and ultimately unrealistic. Rewarding ourselves with instant gratification is something that can be welcoming and helpful, especially when times are tough. The key is not to lose sight of what matters to you in the future as well as the present. So even if you can easily resist sugary treats - why not try a pick n mix approach for choosing some strategies that can help keep you moving towards the big goals as well.

EQuip yourself:

Exploring ways to heighten self management and finding delayed gratification strategies to address your own scenarios is integrated into EQuip’s coaching and training services.

Find out more by visiting our website at www.equip-ct.com