Purposedriven expat life - building an international career or following your husband?

• It’s my choice
• It’s my race
• It’s my purpose for the season
• It’s my joy

With these words Magali Moutin opened her presentation for the professional network the Gallery on May 23rd on her personal experiences being a driven business woman and an expat wife. In the following article we will share her experiences and reflections as an inspiration for others traveling the world as a family. But also for you who for other reasons have taken pause in your professional life for example to go on leave. Or for you who is feeling in doubt about how to design your life in a modern world.?

Being an expat spouse is a special life filled with contradicting emotions. It is? a very privileged life with many opportunities. It gives you the chance to take a time-out and be a parent and the time to explore the world with your family. However, this privileged life often comes with the loss of being able to work. Depending on your background this situation can result in a loss of identity. Being an expat can be compared to the experience of some people on maternity or paternity leave. It is such a joy and you love your child, taking time off to enjoy the early months is a privilege. But many also miss the role as a professional. In the same way, being an expat family highlights the general dilemmas as a family of ambitious people and caring parents and how to balance everyone's needs. Often this entails compromises and considerate choices. As such the reflections of Magali resonate with an expat community but might also be very recognisable for others finding themselves in a professional crossroad.?

It’s my choice

Having the feeling of actually having a choice is crucial. The feeling of being stuck or being put in a position you do not want is unsuitable for a contemporary life. Thus, it is very important to constantly remember “it’s my choice”. Leaving a career in your own country to be an expat is in most cases (luckily) a joint decision and in that context also a choice of your own being the following partner. This could also be said for people who choose for a while to dial back working part time or even staying at home while having kids. It is an active choice and as such Magali underlined that she did not want a second role when traveling.?

And that was an important first point. Because talking about expat families both in the personal life and professionally, for example in HR it is formulated as the partner “following” the expat-professional. But maybe such language is wrong. She or he is not following their partner-, they are leaving together as a team and the situation should be treated as such. This is a different perspective because it also means it is a family task to ensure everyone is happy and if not both partners should revisit the plan together.?

Leaving as a family also means making the decision of whether you want to work or not. This is also a family consideration. Because very often the expatriated partner will be working a lot, do we then get help at home to make it possible for both parties to work and is that what we want? If not then what? If we both want to work we need to be in countries where that is possible etc.

It’s my race

A key to frustration when taking a different way in life is when you see other people climb the career ladder and ticking off goals that you used to have, been yours or such goals that you are “supposed” to have. For Magali she could see her husband’s career pivot and she felt a sneaking frustration seeing what used to be junior employees becoming CFOs while she was building a CV from projects and what was possible in the different countries her husband's work would take them. So she worked hard in her job and to begin with even took an opportunity which meant traveling a lot being away from her husband more than being together. The epiphany came when she realized (and could rest comfortably in the thought of) it is not a race against anyone else. This happened as it became harder and harder to see what she was running after: “We were not enjoying life, we were living ‘métro, boulot, dodo’ [ie. a classic french phrase meaning metro, work, bed] just in South America”. Then what is the point of living on the other side of the world??

That is when she found peace in the notion that it is only her own race, which meant being able to say: “Very well for them, but also very well for me, because I get to do something else”. And in the long run that is probably what you will remember, the kids, the adventure, also professional achievements, but probably not how old you were when you made CFO.??

Once you make that realization, it becomes possible to actually spend the time away as a chance to reflect. Being an expat spouse is a unique chance to stop and think. What is my “why”? What do I want to do in life? And allowing the experiences you gain abroad change you and use that new perspective to set the direction - also professionally. When you are in the rumble of career, family and busy daily life time more often just passes by because you don’t have time or natural opportunity to pause and reflect if this really is what you want. Changing your country gives you this opportunity whether you want it or not - like a giant mirror being lifted every 3-5 years reflecting your life. This opens the tough conversations but also the opportunities to find a different joy.

It’s my purpose for the season

When Magalis family made their second move it was different because this time they had kids, and the kids reacted negatively to the move. Their team had expanded and just as she did not play a second role neither the kids wanted to. Originally Magali thought the boys were so small it would not matter but every kid is different and every kid reacts differently to a change in scenery as moving to another country is. Then she knew she had to stay at home and be with the boys for a while. Magali thought it would be around 6 months but it ended up being the right solution for 1,5 years. A long break it would seem, but for Magali - as she described - a time to pause and reflect. She was originally working in finance but now realized she did not want to go back to that work. Being a mother and living abroad had introduced new priorities and sliding back into the old life did no longer seem appealing. So she started looking around for inspiration. Here she saw many cool expat spouses who had taken their time as expats to immerse themselves in their hobbies with ceramics, designing etc. But not having a creative vein it was clear that Magali actually just wanted a real job. But that seemed much more difficult.?

Inspiration came from Kennedy who said “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country”. At that time Magali was living in South America in a developing country and it became clear to her that a meaningful way forward would be to combine her professional skills with the needs for change she could see in Peru. The sweet spot was anti-corruption. A highly relevant agenda in Peru who had nominated the year as the year of anti-corruption and an agenda that matched well with her mindset and abilities as a controller. However, she knew she needed to educate herself to make a shift in career and so she got an ISO-certification. Here she met like-minded people and eventually started her own company together with a partner she met during her certification. Later coming to Korea getting to know the sustainability agenda meant that Magali also got to know more about the SDG’s which eventually led to her current job at the Green Climate Fund in Seoul. This meant that even though she could not bring her anti-corruption consultant firm to Korea, this new area of expertise still opened a new door to working with the climate agenda when she once again had to figure it all out again.?

And that is the essence of the headline: “My purpose of the season”. That living a life you yourself and your career can and will take many turns. For a while being with your family fulltime can be the most important task at hand, and at other times pursuing a career is. Living abroad changes you and for each posting you meet new challenges and opportunities. The country and the people you meet will inspire you, and inevitably alter your perspective, thus also what you want to do. Allowing yourself to be open to that inspiration and not clinging to an idea that work or life should be one certain thing is crucial. One period of time does not define the rest of your career or life. It is a season and seasons change.?

The tricky part is that you cannot connect dots forwards. It is always in hindsight that you see how it all adds up and eventually makes sense. How one decision opens an opportunity at a later stage but you might not know it when you make the choice. The problem is it is much more comfortable knowing the result, hence it can seem frustrating or scary to stay at home for 1,5 and a half, thinking now you will never get back on track. And you might not get back on track, but you will certainly find a new track and most likely you don’t want to get back on the same track because you changed too along the way.?

It’s my joy

This is why it is so important to invest time and skill into the consideration of: What is my why? And knowing that it can change over time. Thus, as an expat partner, ask yourself: “Do I really want to work in this season of life? Or do I just feel like I should? Once you become clear on that, being abroad working or being abroad staying at home can be your joy. Because it is a choice.

Realizing that you are not taking a secondary role but an equal role in this life you chose as a family also makes it possible to make conscious choices preparing yourself to find the opportunities. Preparing for luck. For many people Magali’s story could sound like she also was very lucky, but during her years she has been willing to commute to another country to find work, stay at home for the family, educating herself twice with relevant certification and one time even starting her own company. All in close cooperation with her husband and now also her kids. This is not easy, but hard work. However, eventually those steps made it possible for her to both have an impressive career and be a stay-at-home-mom. Just in different seasons of her life. And how these steps are interlinked only seems clear looking at it backwards - going into each decision she never knew if this strategy would bear fruit and sometimes they didn’t until years later.?

Of course it can be difficult at times. Being an expat partner allows you to live many different lifes at once. But living many different lifes can at times be confusing and disorientating. And we all struggle connecting the dots upfront. When it's not fun anymore it’s time to revisit the plan and the why and see how you can prepare yourself for new luck.

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The Gallery is a professional network for spouses living in Seoul with their working partner who wishes to maintain their professional identity. At The Gallery you will find inspirational talks, a network of clever peers and an opportunity to get to know Korea from a business angle although you are currently not working.?

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