Punching Bag No More

Welcome to my very first newsletter!

These weekly newsletters will have therapy deep dives, effective coping skills, mental health tips, psychology info, LinkedIn tricks, and business bits. For some reason, each of these areas appears to connect in my mind and I'd like to share them with you. Cheers to actionable insights!

This week's focus is a therapy deep dive for those who feel they will never be enough, have the negative thoughts to prove it, and my attempt to change that for good.

How It Begins

It quickly catches my attention when I’m confronted with people who tell me they are tired of being stuck from living a good life. You're able to describe what a good life looks like but the fear of moving toward it seems larger than the reward itself. Yikes.

Can you already relate? I know I can. ??

What I'm told:

“I just want to be at a better stage in my life already, Jake. But I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough. I can't get there.”

Ah, the old I ain’t good enough routine. Self-statements like this are real, and a real burden on your future. And I get why. For so many reasons.

The moment I hear a doubt to this degree, I turn up the heat with my questioning. I suppose you could call it a hot seat moment. Here’s how I would follow up to this statement:

Me: “You don’t think you can match the challenge ahead. Is that right?”

Client: “Yeah, I don’t think I’m meant for it.”

Me: “Is that it?”

Client: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Is that all you think about yourself, not being good enough to the point it makes you stuck?”

Client: “No, I also think I’m not smart enough. That I’ve failed many times before. That I always blow it. There are others who are better than me. That I…”?

This is the part where I interrupt this pattern of self-degradation. (Hint: you can do this too)

How It Pauses

Me: “It seems there’s a lot of names you call yourself. Where do you suppose that comes from?”

Client: “I don’t know…”

Me: “Give yourself a few moments and really think about this. Perhaps, this was learned somewhere before?”

Client “…well, I was let go from my corporate job a few years back which is when this all started I guess."

Bingo ??

This is likely not the only "pillar of truth" where the pain is coming from that can make anyone feel inferior. But it is a pillar. This means that a beast like this can be broken down into smaller parts. Which weakens the argument. (Hint: your struggle likely has a weak spot)

I also make it apparent that people can get pretty good at negative thinking as well. Yes, you heard me right: people can get good at what's bad for them. Whether or not the thoughts are factual are actually irrelevant in this space. The process of doing this to yourself will get the best of you.

How It Moves

Me: “You’re actually pretty good at this.”

Client: “At what?”

Me: “Negative thinking. Beating yourself up.”

Client: “Yeah, but?I don’t want to be my own punching bag anymore.”

Me: “Your statement alone tells me you know exactly how to hurt yourself with your own thoughts. And you’re good at it. Almost professional like.”

Client: “I’ve been doing it for years. So I've got plenty of practice”

Me: “I know, so I wonder what would happen if you were to cut yourself a break.” (Hint: this may feel impossible, but you can do it)

This is the point of the conversation where solutions are sought out organically if you already haven’t felt it within yourself by now.

How It Changes

Client: “How do I stop this?”

Me: “Tell me again why negative thinking came about?”

Client: “I was let go from my job…”

Me: “This may be a stretch, but it sounds like when you were let go of your old job, you picked up a new job.”

Client: “Let me guess. Being a negative thinker?” (Hint: this is called insight)

Me: *nods head* “Perhaps if you were to fire yourself from that ‘job’ you could replace it with something that’s better for you since you’re not a punching bag anymore.”

Client: “I suppose I could replace it with something different. Something that won’t end in treating myself this way anymore.”

Me: “What do you think is a more honest label?”

Client: “Well, I wasn’t the only person let go from the job. It was a big layoff. So, maybe I’m not unintelligent and actually do have worth.”

Me: "So it's settled. You've had worth all along. Go with that."

Boom ??

Recap

When you experience something such as losing a job, being broken up with, or a moment in time where you felt very, very small, it's easy to continue that story's narrative.

The more you repeat these negative moments with harsh self-criticism, the more likely you'll have an outcome that will keep you stuck in the loop.

When you decide to pause and ask yourself a few important questions, this is your attempt to stop the cycle of being your own punching bag. Because let's face it, you're exhausted.

Sometimes, you swing and hit yourself so much with these thoughts that it becomes too hard to think you're allowed to be anyone else. And that's the secret here:

You have the ability to make change occur to the point where you can be someone you value again.

So put down your gloves when it comes to your dreams and desires. You don’t need to be your own punching bag anymore. You’ve always had worth.

I’d encourage you not to let one or two past events define whom you are trying to become today. And yes, easier said than done. Things may be really dark right now, and now you've got a new strategy to fight back.

Now, use that energy you put into hurting your mind and put it into something more productive. But, I can't give you an answer to what exactly that is because that's a very personal journey.

Last Words

There are dozens of directions this conversation could have gone, which means you may have dozens of directions to go as well. Just pause. Ask questions. And make changes appropriately.

This is what happens when potential meets opportunity. Bravery is born. And that's the cool thing about therapy: everywhere you look could lead to potential healing when you notice something new and try something different.

Take care.

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