Published Essay - "Why Men Cry in the Dark"

“Why Men Cry In The Dark”

By 

Michael Pierre Marks

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It had been the culmination of many things that led to this day when I found myself sitting on a toilet in my apartment on a dark night in a dark room -- crying.  A many a night I have cried in the dark. But perhaps the most poignant and indelible memory of one such incident was precipitated by something my 3 year old girl and 4 year old boy said to me: "Daddy, are we going to go get some ice cream now?"  Speechless and consumed with shame, I quietly stepped past my two little ones and into the bathroom, closed the door, cut off the lights and began sobbing. I was crying in the dark...

Everyone knows that we live in a society in which men are taught at a tender age not to cry. "Suck it up", are the words that constantly bombard a little boy's ears. "Boys don't cry!"  And so boys grow into men who carry this heavy albatross around their necks that no man or any human should be expected to bear. Men are tough, right? We are supposed to take whatever the world throws at us and just deal with it without shedding a tear.  Well, we might not cry in the light where everyone will notice us, but men do cry in the dark. I have had my wife wipe tears from my eyes, even as 

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she herself was crying, only to tell me to stop crying; that men don't cry.  We live in 

a society that expects a man to be "strong" and shoulder all his problems and move right along.  Men are human and need an outlet just as women and any other living form. Because of societal norms and mores about this, men cry in the dark. This is why I cry in the dark...

You see, this all came down on me like an avalanche on Mt. Everest.  It all started several months prior to that actual day of me breaking down uncontrollably in that small bathroom that night before my children.  My wife and I were constantly at odds because of financial struggles we were facing. The problem was not so much of a financial one as it was one in which she perceived me of not living up to my duties as a man.  This has been another curse that society has placed on men; another albatross. I was not doing enough to find employment or I did not want it bad enough. This was what registered in my wife's mind at the time anyway.  And although I worked jobs here and there and constantly looked for full time employment, a lot of my time was spent staying home and caring for our two kids.

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Never mind that the kids were being cared for by an extremely doting father.  Never mind that she does not have to worry about the high cost of day care. Never mind that she does not have to worry about our children landing in the hands of some pedophile or abusive caregiver.  It's just not sexy to see a man at home without a full time job. All of this was glaringly obvious.

After several fights and shouting matches, her message was unadulterated and crystal clear: You are not working, you are not a provider, and so you do not deserve my respect.  When a man feels he cannot provide for his wife and kids, he can walk the earth with a broken, deflated spirit. I was this man. These are the ingredients for the perfect recipe which find men crying in the dark.  This is certainly another reason why men cry in the dark...

I cannot tell you how many nights I have pulled the covers over my head at night while lying next to my wife, felt the warm stream, tasted this salty water as it entered my mouth from my own sad eyes.  During these tough economic times I am certain that there are many other men who have cried in the dark. Like me, I'm sure they 

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have gotten up and applied for jobs over and over. Like me, I am sure that these proud men have gone on interviews over and over, but employment seems to elude them. I have been there.  

Right now I am still there. No, I am here. No money or very little money, no employment are conditions in which men find themselves crying in the dark. This is yet another reason why men cry in the dark...

To date it has been a little over a year since my wife left me and we have been separated. When she made her exit, I did not have a full time job or unemployment benefits or two red pennies to rub together. I'm sure other men can relate.  Were it not for God's grace in the form of great family members and supportive friends, I would have sunk into the abyss of darkness and despair and maybe even fallen right off the face of the earth a long time ago.

My two perfect, beautiful children have been my saving grace. They are the most important things in my life, save for almighty God. I absolutely could 

not have weathered all the challenges I have faced without them. My kids have made 

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me want to stay motivated and keep pressing on when everything inside of me told me to stop. My children have made me want to 

persevere when I might have otherwise given up. My kids have truly been the biggest 

blessing in my life. There is nothing on earth, I mean nothing, in life worth living for like waking up to my kids smiling at me and saying "daddy, daddy". I get so emotional about it that tears well up in my eyes as I write these words. When it seems like everything in the world is weighing down on me, I can always find comfort, solace, and spiritual rejuvenation through my wonderful children. I can't thank God enough for bestowing such a wonderful blessing upon me.  Men, can you relate to the words that I speak?

I can deal with a wife leaving me. I can deal with a separation and impending divorce.  I can deal with going through several months of unemployment. I can deal with everything that comes my way because my kids are my biggest inspiration and motivation.

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When you take into account the deep love and passion that I possess for my kids, you may be able to understand why I cried in that dark bathroom on that day that my kids asked me for ice cream. I had no money to buy the ice 

cream. I told my sweet kids earlier that day that daddy was going to buy them some 

ice cream. What I didn't tell them was that I was going to have to find the money somewhere to buy it. A proud man tries not to ask to borrow money.  Men, do you understand where I am coming from?

My kids are my world, they helped me get through extremely difficult times in my life, so not being able to provide them with something as simple as ice cream for their simple, innocent enjoyment broke my spirit into several splintering pieces.  My kids helped me get through periods that only God could have gotten me through, and I can't buy them ice cream to show them a small token of just how much they mean to me? I felt I was dying inside. The life and spirit inside of me was slipping away.

And although my kids have never gone without a meal, at times it took everything short of magic to make sure food was on the table.  A man loves his children and 

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truly wants to provide for them, does everything in his mortal power to provide for them, but can't.  Well, this, to be very 

frank, is why men cry in the dark. I am sure there are other men with similar stories who can relate to the words that I write...

Well, things don't seem so bad when you're sitting in the beautiful southern California sun with a bird's eye, panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean. It's amazing the type of positive energy one can gain from the water. It has spiritual qualities that are unmatched by anything in nature. Yes, I have cried in the dark, but I know now that it's okay for me to cry in light. It's okay for men to cry anytime.  One of the greatest resources that females have at their disposal is the freedom to cry. They have the freedom to be supported by other females while they cry. Men could be more balanced, well adjusted humans given the same freedom. In fact, I will teach my son to express himself and if he cries, I will be supportive and be there for his needs. Discouraging tears from a boy or man does not make him stronger, it makes him weaker.

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The sun is out, the ocean's waves are crashing the beach, the wind is gently 

blowing, and I feel optimistic. I suppose this is the reason I love the ocean 

so much. Like my children, it provides me with not only creative inspiration, but it helps engender a calmness of spirit within me.  Like my children, the ocean lets me know that it is okay for a man to cry in the dark and that some how, some way, 

everything will be okay...