The Psychology of Self-Destruction

Why We Do Terrible Stuff to Ourselves

I don’t know about you, but I used to say and do horrendously self-destructive things to myself as a younger man. I didn’t know why because I didn’t know much about myself. But over the last sixty-two years, I’ve learned some things that might help others end the self-destructive thinking and behavior cycle.

The phenomenon of self-destruction, wherein we consciously or unconsciously inflict harm upon ourselves, has perplexed psychologists and neuroscientists since the emergence of our pre-frontal cortex. That’s the part of us that dogs, cats, nor turtles have; the ability to be self-aware.

When we learn to master our awareness, our consciousness, by observing ourselves and all that is, we detach from the suck of life that can take us to the darkest places of the human psyche; fear, anxiety, false pride, guilt, shame, remorse, depression and so on. In changing our self-view and judgment of people, places, and things that bother us, we transcend any attachment to outcome, much like the Zen archery master who always hits the mark.

What Sin Is

Sin is nothing more than missing the mark unless we find ourselves in the quagmire of orthodox fundamentalism created by mankind to control the minds of the masses. We get attached to having enough money, a big house, a fancy car, prestige, power, and all sorts of external and material things. That’s why a monk knows when to sell his Ferrari. He becomes self-aware, or what Christians would call born again, living in His Grace.

Most of us walk through life asleep, saying and doing things to ourselves we would never let others do to us. We feel guilty, shameful, and hurt when we miss the mark that is nothing more than a false ideal. We get programmed early, and the programming binds us to worldly things. When we are too attached to hitting a mark and miss it by holding ourselves to a false ideal, we set ourselves up for the cycle of self-abuse.

Our psyche (mind) reveals a complex interplay between the conscious, subconscious, and unconscious minds, shaping behaviors and actions contributing to self-destructive tendencies. According to renowned psychologist Sigmund Freud, our mind is compartmentalized into three segments: the conscious mind, where we process our current thoughts and perceptions; the subconscious mind, which houses memories and knowledge; and the unconscious mind, a repository of feelings most are unaware of.

Thoughts and desires outside our conscious awareness often contain uncomfortable or distressing content. While this model is over a century old and has been supplanted by more nuanced theories in many areas of psychology, it still provides a useful framework for considering self-destructive behavior.

Making the Unconscious Conscious

Carl Jung, another influential figure in the field, famously asserted, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate."

This statement underscores how deeply embedded and influential the unconscious mind can guide our behaviors. The seeds of self-destructive behavior are often sown in the unconscious, their roots tracing back to unresolved emotional conflicts, past traumas, or unhealthy learned behaviors.

In attempting to answer the question, "Who talks to me worse than I talk to me?" we encounter the concept of self-image and the profound impact of early conditioning. The experiences and messages we receive during our formative years heavily influence our perception. Negativity and criticism from significant figures, such as parents, teachers, or peers, can negatively shape our self-image and internal dialogue.

Childhood adversity or neglect can lead to a harsh inner critic, constantly belittling oneself, contributing to low self-esteem, and setting the stage for self-destructive behaviors. These behaviors can manifest in various forms - from self-deprecating thoughts and actions to more serious issues like addictions to food, sex, gambling, drugs, or codependent relationships.

Becoming Part of the Solution

Addressing such issues requires a comprehensive approach encompassing various modalities to improve self-image and break the cycle of self-destruction. For instance, cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) focuses on changing destructive thought patterns and behaviors. It teaches individuals to challenge their negative beliefs, replace self-critical thoughts with more positive ones, and adopt healthier coping mechanisms.

In parallel, as discussed by Dr. Kristin Neff , self-compassion is an effective tool in combating self-destructive tendencies. Neff suggests that treating oneself with kindness, recognizing one's humanity, and maintaining a balanced approach to negative emotions can improve self-image and reduce self-criticism.

Psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapies can delve into the unconscious mind, helping us uncover and address the root causes of our self-destructive behavior. Similarly, mindfulness and meditation practices, such as those taught in Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), can increase awareness of self-destructive thought patterns, providing the tools to challenge and change them.

Addiction-specific interventions, like the 12-step program popularized by Alcoholics Anonymous, provide structured frameworks for overcoming substance dependency. Furthermore, developing healthier interpersonal relationships, perhaps through Group therapy or Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA), can alleviate the patterns of codependency.

In conclusion, the psychology of self-destruction is a multifaceted issue interwoven with the conscious, subconscious, and unconscious minds. The harsh inner critic many contend with is often a byproduct of early conditioning and a negative self-image.

However, by harnessing therapeutic techniques, self-compassion, mindfulness, and targeted interventions, it is possible to confront and overcome self-destructive tendencies, paving the way toward healthier self-perceptions and behaviors. These are healthy ways to “wake up.”

Awareness, being the observer, accepting grace, becoming the Zen master of ourselves, and letting go of our attachments to the outcome are direct paths to self-liberation.

May you find your way!