The Psychology of Control: How Fear Fuels Complexity and Blocks Inner Peace

We live in a culture that idolizes hustle, treating busyness like a prize. Most people aren’t even aware that they’re running away from their fears and insecurities, not toward real goals. We chase success and validation from others, which usually stands for genuine self-worth, leaving us with complicated lives that often feel empty.

The main idea is that fear-driven control traps people in a cycle of constant doing, hoping to gain outside approval. This article looks at how psychological and spiritual perspectives, especially ideas from depth psychology, could help us break free from this loop and move toward a simpler and more rewarding life.

The "Doing Disease"

These days, being busy has become almost a status symbol. People often say, "I'm so busy," as if it proves their importance or success. But staying busy often distracts people from tackling deeper, unresolved issues. This "doing disease" creates a never-ending need to keep occupied, making people believe that all this motion is progress. This constant activity serves as an escape, numbing people from feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, or existential worry.

The disease stops people from stepping back and reflecting on what’s happening. Many have convinced themselves that staying active means being productive, but without a real sense of purpose, it’s just empty movement. The endless cycle of doing keeps people from ever facing or resolving the inner conflicts and insecurities they need to address.

The Psychological Need for Control

Evolutionary Roots of Control

The need for control isn’t new. It’s been with us since early humans had to predict their environments to survive. Those who could keep a handle on their surroundings had better odds of finding food, shelter, and safety. This need to control got so hardwired into our minds that it’s carried over across generations.

Today, this desire for control has spread to cover everything from career and finances to relationships and how others see us. Social media, competitive workplaces, and consumer culture feed this desire by reminding us what we’re missing out on and could fail to achieve. It’s a nonstop reminder that feeds our control-seeking behaviour.

Fear as a Driving Force

A big part of this need for control comes from fear, specifically the fear of losing what we have or not being good enough—the "scarcity mindset." When resources, money, time, or love are limited, we get anxious about missing out or falling short. This pushes people to hoard, overcommit, and compete, even when it wears them out.

This fear affects how people behave. For example, they may overdo it on responsibilities, leading to burnout. Micromanagement becomes the go-to mode in the workplace, creating tension with coworkers. Some might obsess over planning every little detail, hoping to control everything, leaving no space for spontaneity. And delegating tasks? That’s off the table since trusting others with responsibility is hard when you feel you’re the only one who can do things right.

Ironically, this constant need to control makes life more complicated. Rather than calming their fears, people deal with more stress and less productivity. Instead of making life easier, they’re unknowingly making it much harder.

The Illusion of Control and Its Consequences

The Ego's Role

The ego, in psychology, is the idea of "me" or "self" story that each of us builds up over time. The ego craves control and validation as a way of proving it exists. It holds onto fears and constantly looks back or forward in time, driving people to stay busy so they don’t have to face discomfort in the present. This busyness is often rooted in a fear of fading away or disappearing without constant affirmation or control. There's also the fear that, without achievements or recognition, life would somehow be meaningless.

To deal with these fears, people sometimes go overboard, putting elaborate systems and routines in place to manage every single part of life. They chase perfection, aiming for standards that are out of reach, naturally leading to frustration and the feeling of never being good enough. People start to compare themselves to others to feel worthy, measuring success by their achievements and possessions instead of real connection or purpose.

Instead of solving these underlying fears, this constant need for control only layers on more complexity, keeping people from ever getting to the root of their anxieties. They mask their fears with achievements, adding unnecessary layers to life that make them feel empty.

Complexity as a Self-Imposed Constraint

Trying to stay in control often leads to self-imposed limits, like a bird building a bigger and bigger cage. You see this in a few ways:

• Endless to-do lists stack up, keeping people in a constant state of busyness but not necessarily moving them forward.
• Workflows and routines get more complex, with simplicity often traded for a false sense of efficiency.
• Obsessive checking of emails, social media, and stats creates a cycle where people never fully relax or reflect.

This self-imposed complexity gives the illusion of productivity, but it hinders real progress. All this busyness becomes a front, helping people avoid the real issues at hand, and they get stuck in a loop of overactivity that brings little to no genuine reward.

The Quest for External Validation

Social Comparison and the Need for Approval

In a world where society often defines personal worth through measurable achievements, people look for external markers to gauge their success. Likes, shares, followers, titles, promotions, and luxury goods have become the benchmarks people use to prove their value to themselves and others.

However, relying on outside validation leads to a shaky sense of self. People’s confidence starts to depend on how others view them, making their self-esteem vulnerable to others' opinions. This brings to mind the “hungry ghost” from Buddhist philosophy—a creature with a huge mouth and a tiny throat, always starving but never satisfied.

External validation only gives temporary relief. Each achievement brings a quick hit of satisfaction, followed almost instantly by the need for a new goal. This turns into a never-ending cycle of approval-seeking, where success has to keep getting bigger just to feel okay. People ride emotional roller coasters, with self-esteem swinging based on the latest external feedback.

Impact on Well-being

Chasing external validation hits hard on well-being, often fueling anxiety, depression, and burnout. The fear of not measuring up creates constant stress, while feelings of inadequacy bubble up when people don’t get the validation they crave. The need to prove oneself leads people to push past their limits for fleeting rewards, risking their health and peace of mind.

Socially, this quest for validation causes other issues. People focus on managing their image rather than building real connections, making relationships feel shallow and transactional. As people prioritize their social "brand" over genuine connections, they risk loneliness, isolation, and living in echo chambers that only reinforce their views, limiting personal growth.

Insights from Depth Psychology

Carl Jung: Embracing the Shadow

Carl Jung introduced the concept of the “shadow,” the hidden parts of ourselves that we’d rather ignore. The shadow includes traits we don’t like or don’t think others would accept. When we suppress these aspects, we project them onto others, leading to a strong need for control. Jung argued that they'll control us if we don’t acknowledge our hidden motives.

Jung's " individuation " process involves integrating these hidden parts into a more complete version of ourselves. When people accept their shadow, they stop needing to prove themselves so much, creating a life that feels more authentic and less controlled by outside forces.

Viktor Frankl: The Search for Meaning

Viktor Frankl, a renowned existential psychologist, taught that life’s main drive isn’t pleasure or power but meaning. His experiences in World War II concentration camps reinforced his belief that finding purpose helps people endure suffering, allowing them to stay strong even in the most terrible situations.

Logotherapy, Frankl’s therapeutic approach, suggests that meaning is available in every moment. This search for meaning can help people break free from the need to control everything. When actions align with deeper values, fear-driven behaviours fade, and external validation loses its hold. Frankl’s ideas show that a life grounded in purpose brings a kind of fulfilment that achievements alone can’t deliver.

Transpersonal Perspectives on Being Present

Eckhart Tolle: Living in the Now

Eckhart Tolle teaches the power of staying present. In his book?The Power of Now, he explains that the present is all that truly exists, as the past and future are mental constructs. By staying rooted in the present, people can let go of ego-driven fears and move beyond the cycle of endless doing.

Tolle suggests observing thoughts without getting swept up in them, which reduces the ego’s control. Living in the present lets people experience life authentically, free from future anxieties or past regrets. Being present brings calm and fulfilment, allowing people to engage with life as it is instead of chasing what could be or regretting what was.

Advaita Vedanta

Advaita Vedanta, a non-dualistic Hindu philosophy, teaches that separateness is an illusion. Teachers like Ramana Maharshi have shared insights about the oneness of all things, emphasizing that the mind creates the sense of being separate.

Seeing oneself as part of a greater whole calms the need for control, leading to a simpler, more peaceful life. Non-duality makes space for genuine existence without needing to feed or defend the ego, encouraging a real and uncomplicated life.

Breaking the Cycle of Fear-Driven Complexity

Recognising the Fear

The first step to breaking free is recognising the fears that fuel all this control. Mindfulness practices like meditation help people observe their thoughts and feelings without judgment. Journaling can also reveal patterns, while “shadow work,” inspired by Jung, allows people to explore their repressed parts, illuminating the motives behind complex behaviours.

Embracing Uncertainty

Understanding that control is mostly an illusion is essential. Accepting life’s unpredictability allows people to let go of the need to manage every outcome, opening them up to growth and resilience. Learning to live with uncertainty allows for unexpected experiences and greater authenticity.

Choosing Deliberate Action

Shifting from reactive to deliberate action is key to overcoming complexity. People can choose actions that align with their true values by pausing to respond mindfully. Focusing on quality over quantity makes actions feel purposeful rather than busy. Setting priorities and saying no to misaligned tasks brings real fulfilment and a true sense of control.

Building Inner Confidence

Building inner trust reduces dependence on external validation. When people develop self-worth based on personal growth and values, they don’t need approval to feel complete. This helps people create simpler lives focused on what truly matters to them.

Strategies for a Simpler Way

Mindfulness and Self-Awareness

Mindfulness tools ground people in the present, reducing the ego’s influence. Meditation promotes calm and focus, while journaling and self-reflection help people check in with their motivations and values. Taking breaks offers fresh perspectives, and feedback from trusted sources sheds light on blind spots.

Simplification and Prioritisation

Simplifying life involves focusing on what counts. Practising essentialism reduces clutter, leaving room for meaningful pursuits and freeing energy. Setting clear priorities and boundaries ensures that time is used intentionally, fostering clarity and freedom.

Cultivating Inner Fulfillment

True fulfilment comes from aligning actions with values. Whether through volunteer work or simple acts of kindness, service brings a sense of purpose and community, enhancing personal and social well-being.

The Collective Impact and the Way Forward

Society and the Complexity Trap

Fear-driven complexity impacts individuals and shapes society. Focusing too much on test scores in education stifles creativity, while businesses bogged down by bureaucracy and short-term goals lose out on productivity and innovation. Our environmental problems are another symptom, as complex systems often mask the true cost of our choices.

Embracing Appropriate Complexity

Reducing societal complexity means respecting natural complexity—like the environment—while avoiding artificial constraints. Institutions that operate on a human scale allow for genuine connection, simplify systems, and foster well-being.

Collective Choice and Individual Action

Shifting to a culture that values simplicity takes individual choices. People who live these values can inspire others, creating a ripple effect. Education reform and grassroots movements can amplify this change, embedding simplicity and fulfilment into societal values.

Conclusion

The drive for control and external validation leads to unnecessary complexity, pulling people away from real fulfilment. By turning inward, living in the present, and acting in accordance with genuine values, people can simplify their lives and find lasting peace. This shift isn’t just good for individuals but has the potential to reshape society to prioritize what matters most.

Warm Regards

Pietro

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This article relates to a topic covered in my new book, which is due for release in February 2025.

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