Psychologist Heal Yourself: A Tribute to Friendships

(Psychologist, Heal Yourself?is a series of reflections shared from my own lived experiences of #trauma and happiness from the perspective of a #psychologist and human to help others come to terms with their own lived stories and cope better during these challenging times)

“Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best #friend.” Sarah Dessen

Gathering Friends

Next week, 3 international friends - 2 from #USA and 1 from #Germany are flying over 20 hours to Asia and #Singapore to spend my birthday with me. When I asked them why? They said they missed me. The American friends have not seen me since 2017 when I left working regularly in Los Angeles.

They are not coming without an invite - once every 2 years I host myself a birthday party because I know how busy everyone can get and why I needed to ensure a reason to spend time not only with me but with our common group of friends eg High school friends. Trivia buddies. Graduate school roomies. Church mates. Etc

Just like Chinese New Year and Thanksgiving serve as great reminders for family gathering and Valentines and Wedding anniversaries speak of love once a year.

I made my own Friendship-Day (on my birthday).

A Reason to Connect

The main aim of the birthday is not the actual celebration itself; the main aim is for me get me to call a friend I have not heard from for a year or two. Just like this recent upcoming birthday gave me the opportunity to check in with A.L. She was apologetic as she said she could not make my birthday book launch because she was still experiencing symptoms of long #covid, and #burnout and #menopause all at the same time and she did feel up to a large gathering. She did suggest a quick chat one day - just the two of us.

Types of Friendships

“If you have two friends in your lifetime, you're lucky. If you have one good friend, you're more than lucky.” S.E. Hinton

Why I have more than one friend I call my best friend is because they are my best friends for the different hardest times of my life. Here are some examples:

My best friend from graduate school

L and I went to #Harvard #Graduate School of #Education. We helped to pick up notes for each other especially on those cold #Boston days. We pooled our money together to go supermarket shopping so we ate healthier by sharing. She invited me home to Orange County on #Christmas as I could not afford to fly back to Singapore. I met her boyfriends and her husband. I went for her wedding and I spent the day with her two girls at a fair in California when I was able to meet her there in 2015.

We could not speak for years but I love her dearly.

My best friend from work

“Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.” Richard Bach

I met S only in 2020. During the height of the pandemic, I did not know I would meet a like minded and like hearted friend. Both of us had to reduce our social circles because of the rulings and both of being single; we were able to meet quicker and also travel earlier than many Singaporeans felt safe to. So when Singapore opened its flights again - S and I looked at the countries that had open borders with us and we made a pact to travel together to countries we both had not yet been too. This was then our trips to #Denmark, #Sweden, #Jordon and #Estonia. We shared many similar goals and values and sense of humour and a love of good food and drink. As many know #travel companions are the hardest to find - close quarters test any relationship. Our friendship has survived and thrived.

Friends who host me to stay in their homes

Sa, one of the Americans who is coming for the visit, let me stay like a high end bum a summer in her home in Santa Barbara. Yes she did have an extra room and yes she and her lovely daughter seemed to enjoy my company. They let me stay rent free and fed me - I did pay for one or two meals as a common courtesy. They introduced me to their neighbour and their friends. They even let me pet their #cat (who acted like a #dog) Hence Sa is more than welcomed to come and visit my place in Singapore too. And play with my cat who’s also acts like a dog!

My non human best friend and roomie - my cat, Trisha

“By chance we met, by choice we become friends” Millie

When I asked #God why would I adopt a pet given my hectic work and travel schedule; the reply in my prayers “She will help you heal” I had just lost my best friend Peter (and 16 others between 2020-2022) and I was still in much grief and while all friends offered to listen to me or bring me out for a walk or for a drink to distract me from the pain or to let me cry in their arms; Trisha the cat did it regularly and I felt I helped her too… given that she had too survived a traumatic life experience. She survived a fall and the amputation of her right fore leg. Don’t let her know she is one leg short - she runs and jumps easily … 3 legged or not. She is quick and happy and a cat.

I realised telling a living creature I love her- #dancing in front of her - crying - and feeding her and petting her. Did not help me to heal - it actually helped me to enjoying living again despite the pain of loss. That living fully again helped me to heal.

Friends whom I dress up and dance with and forget whom “I” am

“Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief” Marcus Tullius Cicero

Yes I like to dance, sing and dress up. This is not a combination you find easily in a friend group. It takes special curation and it’s not friends whom I pick up at a bar or club. My friends who work hard and play hard like me - are usually #entrepreneurs and C suites who want to let off some steam. Many are super surprised serious ole Marion the #psychologist knows how to party. I believe partying with friends is a great #stress relief and also learning to laugh at oneself is an underrated life success skill.

I have dressed up and danced in locations like Dominican Republic, Jordon, Ibiza, Estonia, Barcelona, New York City, Los Angeles, Connecticut (see photo above), Singapore and I hope to continue to do so in the company of good friends.

What do Good Friendships do?

Good Friends see you at your best and remind you of who you really are even when you are acting at your worse.

Good Friends help raise you up when you can’t walk alone - they carry you up when you are down on your luck

Good Friends build social capital for you and themselves - they introduce you to your potential romantic or business partner or for me my next dance partner

They sit with you when you are in pain and laugh with you when you are celebrating and they do nothing with you - because sitting and doing nothing together in your PJs is the most intimate thing ever