Psychologist, Heal Yourself: Therapeutic vs Therapy

(Psychologist, Heal Yourself?is a series of reflections shared from my own lived experiences of #trauma and happiness from the perspective of a #psychologist and human to help others come to terms with their own lived stories and cope better during these challenging times)

As a #psychologist and human, I have the advantage of now being able to evaluate the interactions I have daily and the levels of intellectual stimulation and emotional support they offer. Perhaps also being in my 50s helps. I have had so many types of conversations - first-time #networking drinks, dates, being a #mentor, being a #mentee, interviewing, #hiring, firing staff, falling in #love and/or lust. Conversations are multifaceted, but the depth of a conversation and the energy they bring, from the time you enter into one to the time you leave the interaction, and the lingering aftereffects of that energetic exchange days or even weeks later, are very telling. It speaks to whether the person and you have a relationship that builds you up, tears you down, or is like emotional popcorn, keeping you full of air for that moment but later leaving you empty and perhaps feeling slightly sick.

These are my last three #therapeutic encounters that could help illustrate what you can hope for when friends or even strangers help you have an exchange during that time together, which helps heal you or frees you from constraints and #stress.

Hot pot the weekend before Chinese New Year in Singapore

My best friend and I, who are non-Chinese Singaporeans, were bent on having hot pot because she loves it and it is comfort food for both of us. Only when we could not get a table at most of the branches of the popular hot pot place did we realize that it was the weekend before Chinese New Year. We drove and called branch by branch, and found a smaller one off the center of Singapore. While we still had to wait for a seat, we were happy to even have a chance at hot pot. Since being with my best friend is already a #therapeutic experience, it took an extraordinarily obvious change of energy within the restaurant to further charge it or change it even further up for me to even write about it.

What was that?

Dancing dragons (staff dressed up) moved from table to table to get Indian patrons to dance along; Chinese families to raise their glasses, and me to laugh as it was unexpected. Throw in one of their staff members doing a lion dance, and the entire small restaurant of strangers now acted like an audience or even fans at a singing/dancing/Chinese New Year performance - it was not only fun, it changed our quiet dinner into something special. Later, when I went home, I tried to understand even deeper why my heart was so warmed by the experience. As someone whose parents have passed and whose Chinese New Year celebrations are limited to visiting one uncle each year, the #festivities included me in a way I was not expecting. In many ways, we were celebrating Chinese New Year in community - not two guests having dinner but a Singaporean community having a celebration. It was #therapeutic in the definition of “it helps you to relax or to feel better about things, especially about a situation that made you unhappy”; in that it helped me in the #healing of #isolation and loss of the #childhood version of Chinese New Year that I no longer had access to within my nuclear family. It was done naturally and yet felt so heart warming.

An Ecstatic Song and Dance in Berlin

My friend A, whom I visit once every 2 years or so in Berlin where he lives, wanted to do something special with me for Chinese New Year day. He found this event and asked if I would like to try. Here is an abandoned sports complex where a #yoga community held their events, and I was grateful I had my local friend with me, or I would be much less likely to venture there on my own. We counted the number of #yoga mats laid out for the voice workshop - 20, in a circle around. So a mish mash of 20 people - ranging in ages from 20s to 60s, mostly 20s/30s, with only slightly more women and speaking English (as it was definitely an international event) - sat around and, led by song and the facilitator, we sang and moved our bodies. First at the mat itself and then slowly around the room.

Was it strange to move without direction and a format of a traditional dance, eg waltz; yes.

Was it something I felt safe doing in this group activity with a bunch of strangers? Yes.

After all, everyone seemed game and no one was pointing fingers or making it seem awkward. In fact, many of them seemed to be doing this regularly, so it felt very ‘normal’. I had done one similar workshop before, so I was not a newbie. The most #therapeutic part came when we stood together in a large circle after one hour of singing, moving, and humming together as well as alone but in harmony. We stood together as the facilitator suggested, shoulder to shoulder, and then with hands supporting each other’s backs. Strangers - touching in a non-invasive manner - and we sang together, harmonizing like a choir would. Later, when my friend and I shared about the experience, he said he was reminded how he was mostly working alone at a desk, and the movement and singing were something that was so out of his daily routine that it was a joy just to play along with the group. I too felt like I had joined an informal dance and choir troupe led by a conductor, and it was all for fun and self-expression; no need for performance or analysis or evaluation on how far we have fallen from expectations or a standard.

I wondered, however, if I would be feeling as open to fully express my inner screams and grunts back home in Singapore and to be honest, no.

I feel too many times I have had to walk out of my apartment in Singapore, ready in an imaginary corporate armour/suit and not be too feminine, or quirky or anything really. Just blend in. I do not believe ecstatic dancing in Singapore would be as #therapeutic for me as it was in Berlin. I will try to attend one and tell you my experience here.

Crafting a #Warhammer Faction with a friend

My fantasy world of games is not just limited; it is simply non-existent. So my friend M had to get me up to speed with a video series on this world of 40K (#Warhammer in the future after the King was attacked by his son/creation, etc.). I will not be able to do justice to the actual storyline, intricacies, and battle strategy of this game. After I posted my first production creatures on social media, it garnered attention from a cross-section of friends. This ranged from my graduate school dorm mates (this did not surprise me at all - they were deep into Dungeons and Dragons and other games while I toiled at my PhD), to my Australian cousin in his 50s, and my friend who said she had a set and then qualified to say - her husband had a set.

What could be #therapeutic about a game based totally on #war and #destruction? Sitting with a friend on a cold afternoon, cup of tea and quiet. Him assembling, me cutting and reading up on the game; allowed us to focus our two very bright and very problem-solving, over-exhausted, save-the-world brains on something small, manageable, requiring attention for sure… those damn small parts! Feeling a sense of accomplishment at each stage, from assembling to painting to playing and explaining #folklore.

Would my Bible study group feel the same if we had Jesus figurines? I hesitate to answer. I believe it was his sheer #passion and focus on the topic that drew me in which was an area I had never had any interest in. I also knew we chose a day in rather than a night out; and that made the difference. An activity done together for 2 hours. Intentional quiet with some laughter.

What then is #therapeutic and how does it differ from professional #therapy?

A professional #therapist is bound to assist in helping the client heal or cope and manage better an existing emotional #trauma or challenge. The relationship may not be equal - one seems the healthier and all knowing; one less. (A reminder that this power differential needs to be better navigated and discussed in any relationship with a professional and trained professionals should know that this exists). It is usually a template or series of questions or activities limited and perhaps sanitized precisely because it is seen as a treatment to a malaise.

My three events were time killers, yet emotionally uplifting, saving me from a #therapist chair by keeping me emotionally buoyant for a little longer.

Commonalities

1. Spent with friends
2. With a special thematic - Chinese New Year, Ecstatic Dance, Warhammer - novelty
3. First 2 events needed more people involved for the event to occur.
4. A sense of discovery and surprise
5. Spent with friends (yes I know that is repeated)

As a single Asian woman in her later years, most of my friends are married with spouses and children and have less time for me; or they are single and not always #healthy, #happy, or financially sound to enjoy external engagements. To have three such moving experiences in two weeks is a blessing and that prompted this article. Why did they warm my #heart? Was it the friends? Yes and no - as I have met these friends in other settings but these three events were somehow special in a halo-like way.

Perhaps it is I who have changed and now feel deeper, or like a fine wine connoisseur, I now feel, taste, sense, and share an appreciation of the fine art of relationships and hosting activities where minds are entertained and hearts are fed. People come together even for an hour or two and somehow they feel changed for the better. Warding off evil thoughts and #pains away for another day and another #therapist.