(PSA) Lets stop the use of white napkins! An exaggerated story by Lucas Melo

We, as humans, have evolved quicker than any other species, just looking back at all inventions created by humankind, the wheel, electricity, sewage, the internet, to name a few, it shows how far we have come, but we still have very far to go, for example, the use of white napkins. Whenever I go into a restaurant, I get traumatized by looking at white napkins, knowing that as soon as I lay that unnecessary piece of white origami on my lap it will ruin my pants. White napkins serve an important role in restaurants, and many chefs praise their use, but I'm here today to evolve the human species to the next Homo genus.

White napkins are a disgrace, that is merely the point. Whenever I walk into a restaurant my anxiety begins to make itself known, it only worsens once I see the white napkins on the table. I'm sweating, but trying to remain calm while the waitress is walking myself onto my table, and when I finally sit down the heavy debate starts to duel inside my head, "should I use this napkin? I know it will destroy my pants once I put it down; Ok, let's see what's on the menu…. SPAGHETTI?!? I cannot risk having sauce all over my attire." After the intense debate, I decide to place the napkin onto my pants. I unfold the dramatically complicated piece of white origami and place it carefully on my lap. I try to forget about it as much as possible during my meal, but it is intolerable. As the meal is over I start to have another anxiety attack, as I order the check I start to think about how my pants are going to look once I stand up. As the check arrives I begin to sweat once again, my heart rate goes up, and as the waitress walks away with the check I begin to panic. The waitress comes back with my credit card and I'm in a complete panic, I try to delay my departure but it comes a time when you simply have to face your fears. I lift the napkin off my lap and looking at all those discussing white pieces of cotton, I get up, with tears of embarrassment I start to walk out of the restaurant and run to my car where I always have a lint roller for emergencies like this one.

White napkins have terrorized my visit to restaurants, and it is not a coincidence most of my favorite restaurants provide black napkins. I have thought of many tactics to solve this problem, I could bring my own napkin to the restaurant, but then I would be the weirdo with his napkin and it would also look like I would be stealing the napkin whenever I walk away with it, I could bring a lint roller with me, but unless I have a large bag a lint roller is too big to be carried around and don't even try to tell me to buy those "travel size" lint rollers, they do not work. The last idea I had to solve this problem is simply to stop going to restaurants or at least stop eating at restaurants, but I haven't been able to find a good excuse for it yet; For example, your boss walks up to you "hey, let's go have lunch together!", if I respond "No, sorry, I'm scared of white napkins." that’s a promotion I threw away faster than I can say "white napkins suck". As you can see, there is nothing I can do to avoid it, the only solution is for restaurants to stop using white napkins. 

The reason restaurants all over the world use white napkins is because it looks clean, you can clearly see if the napkin is dirty or if it has any stains, and it is hard to argue against it, but the panic and the anxiety it brings me whenever I see a white napkin surpasses any germophobic characteristics I posses. I would rather be presented with a dirty, old, unwashed black napkin than a sparkly clean white one, as long as it smells nice and I'm not aware of its cleanses status, I do not mind. As one inspiring musician once said "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and I would forever live by this motto when black napkins become the standard at restaurants.

I write this article in desperation, my suffering must come to an end, my fear of walking into a restaurant is intolerable, I come to you, my dear internet friends, asking for a little help, just a little help from my friends. I have created a petition, by signing this petition you will put an end to what currently is holding us, human beings, from evolving. Lets come together and stop the use of this disgraceful standard that is white napkins. I thank you for your cooperation, you can find the link below to join the cause. #TogetherWeStand