The Proxy Personality - How do introverts deal with loneliness?

Overview

I hope this will be the first in a range of papers to consider the idea of loneliness. In this article I try to explore the link between loneliness in old age for people with an introverted preference on the Myers Briggs model.

I would welcome thoughts from other people with introverted preferences regarding the idea of proxy personalities and how we use them as coping strategies to build and maintain relationships.

The Proxy Personality

Surrogates is a 2009 American science fiction mystery film staring Bruce Willis. The film's main concept is the people can purchase remote-controlled humanoid robots through which they interact with society. These remotely controlled robots enable people to experience a proxy life vicariously from the comfort and safety of their own homes.

As an Introvert (in the Myers Briggs definition) - the notion of being able to buy a proxy personality that will offer me the freedom to interact with life and people from a safe and comfortable position seems very appealing. I guess in many ways my world can be wrapped up in the phrase by Jean Paul Sartre - "Hell is other people". Please note I don't actually believe this to be true - it is more of a momentary feeling that can pass through my heart when faced with a gaggle of people and I just need space. Give me some Bose headphones, a Spotify account and iPad and I am in heaven.

People are often surprised when I describe my personality type. Over the years I have been a musician, a consultant, salesman and trainer. And now I am venturing into pastures new by becoming a solo singer guitarist (please don't laugh too much). With all of these roles I need to interact with other people to a high degree. Being social is not just part of the job - it is the job.

On reflection, ever since the age of 15 I have created Proxy Personalities. Bolt on personality profiles that would allow me to interact with people with 'apparent' ease and professionalism. Much like the famed Babel Fish from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - I learned from a young age how to develop translation and adaptation techniques. Ways to have the necessary conversations when needed. But again with the Babel Fish - it was only a temporary plug in device - not a permanent fitting.

Gotta pick a proxy or two

Looking back I can see my stream of proxy personalities. Faces I would apply in different settings to help the introvert in me deal with a broadly extroverted world. For example as a trainer (thanks to my guide Ian Crocker) I learnt the trainers trade and after a few years felt comfortable using that proxy personality. And so on for my various roles over the past forty years.

But - and it is quite a big but - put me in a room full of football enthusiast or a family setting with people I didn't know well and I felt physically queasy and would leave the room drained. I had no proxy prepared and so would just want to hide.

Only in later years did I understand that my fallback position was so often to turn to drink - and hence began that dreaded walk into alcoholism. As an aside - I see so many people use alcohol or drugs to create what they believe to be an attractive proxy personality!

The loss of the proxy

I wanted to explore this topic for three reasons. First, having to watch a close family member drift into old age and see him be tormented by the curse of loneliness is not a nice experience. Second, the recent press focus on the growth of loneliness in old age. Almost three-quarters of older people in the UK are lonely and more than half of those have never spoken to anyone about how they feel. A poll found that about 71% of the respondents – average age 63 – said their close friends and family would be surprised or astonished to hear that they felt lonely. Finally - I am not far away from that age!! So the safe objectivity of a poll is starting to become very real.

Walking the proxy dog

If you ask who comes first in my life - the wife or the dog.... I might plead the fifth on that. We got the dog for my wife - it was her dream and I went along with it for her. But oh what a shock it has been. On two very distinct levels.

First he is my mate. My best mate and where I go he goes - and vice versa. Second, I am now far more sociable. I have new mates, I talk with people and I go out for a ten min poo walk over the park and come back two hours later. Having a dog impacts the emotional, intellectual and physical level. But more importantly it has helped me socially enormously.

My new dog proxy, like the Babel Fish gives me a language to converse with strangers. With a dog there are no strangers - everyone is your friend. They either have a dog, want a dog, had a dog once - or even hate dogs. There is always a conversational bridgehead to cross the chasm created by my introversion. And I love it.

There is a famous quote by Heraclitus - “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.” Well I would reframe that as "No one ever takes the same dog walk twice, for it's not the same walk and he is not the same person". Every dog walk changes me because I am changed by the wonderful people I meet when out and about.

And when the proxy cupboard is bare?

But now I have a fear. I have been given this wonderful proxy gift and can go anywhere and be sociable. But what happens when I get too old to have a dog? How do I ensure that my introversion doesn't lead me down a path to loneliness? What new proxy personality can I find that will give me so rich access to a diverse range of people?

However, no matter how much I "Rage, rage against the dying of the light." - the day will come when my body will struggle to form the chords on a guitar, I will not be able to teach and I will be too old to ethically own a dog. Where then is my safe and steady proxy personality to help me be sociable and fight the tendency towards introversion?

To what extent is loneliness in old age driven by a loss of easy ways to connect. I meet so many people where their personality is associated with their job. When retirement comes they lack the necessary personal proxy's to create new relationships. Their proxy was created and owned by the workplace. On retirement they gave ownership back to be passed onto a younger person. At that point it always hits hard - as people can no longer say 'I am an accountant, a plumber or a managing director'. They have to pause and ask who am I? Without this convenient proxy it can be hard to form relationships from new.

Dealing with loneliness as an introvert (spoiler alert)

At the end of the film wonderful Bruce saves the world by eradicating all the surrogate robots. In my real world it would be wonderful to simply put the proxy away and socialise with no sense of dread. But until Bruce comes into my life to fix things for me I will need to start to think more about how to avoid introverted isolation in old age? 

There are a few options to start with:

1. Look for proxies that are not restricted by physical limitations and use these to continue to forge quality relationships. The caveat is that any proxy personality I adopt must be something that I will enjoy. I am not convinced that false proxies work. I am really not sure how long I can fake a love for football!
2. Sometimes co-locating can be beneficial as it sets up an almost default proxy - one that all people share. This is really apparent when you spend time in an expat community. When I go to spain - simply sitting next to someone who speaks english offers us a bridged proxy. We have been given a connection without any difficult first words. I also see this with a marked increase in retirement villages as these co-locate people of a similar age.
3. The rise in sales of Harley Davidson motorbikes and Cruises is indicative of ways for people to bond around a collective experience. But as with option 2 - these are driven by access to cash and capital and not everyone has that luxury.
4. Go cold turkey - work directly on the introverted preference and start to practice socialising without a proxy bridge. That brings me out in a sweat just thinking about it!!!

None of these offer a definite solution for introverted isolation. They offer options - but for me (as an example) - I hate clubs, am not keen on expat groups because of the loss of privacy and don't want to adopt a fake proxy as I prefer not to live a lie.

I wish Bruce Willis could come along and help me find a simple solution - but in the meantime I will enjoy my dog walks, practice my socialisation skills and just be alert to the danger of introverted isolation.

Mick Cope

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