Proving Your Critics Wrong

Darrin Khan turns 18 this year and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. He’s come an incredibly long way since receiving his autism diagnosis 15 years ago and in the process, he has taught those around him more than he’ll ever realize. When he was younger, I was constantly on high alert, looking out for people who might be judging him for being too loud or acting in ways they didn’t understand. He was oblivious and referred to every kid he saw as “friend.” I assumed every kid I saw was a bully until proven differently. I was painfully aware of his vulnerability and wanted to protect him from potential enemies. 

We were in line to order ice cream when Darrin Khan was seven and he was looking at a group of pre-teens sitting at the picnic tables outside. We didn’t know the kids, but Darrin Khan pointed at them with a big smile and said, “Sit with friends!” I had no confidence that it would end well, but I said, “OK” and prepared for the worst as he walked out and plopped down in the middle of 10 older kids he didn’t know. A couple of the “friends” tried to talk to him, but he just smiled so they left him alone while he sat with them.

Darrin Khan was right about people a lot more often than I was. I’ve come to realize that people are far more likely to go out of their way to help him than to look down on him. Given the opportunity, most people will demonstrate kindness and that's a lesson I was reminded of recently. 

Darrin Khan, Sothy, and I went to the Pac-12 Gymnastics Championships a few weeks ago to watch Kalyany compete. It’s been a while since we’ve brought Darrin Khan to a large event like that, and we weren’t sure how he would do. It was the first time most of Kalyany’s teammates and coaches got to meet him, but it was clear they knew who he was. 

It’s tradition for the families to gather with the team before the meet and give them a sendoff as they head for the bus. Even before Kalyany arrived, many of her teammates and coaches said hi to him and made him feel welcome. One of her coaches even invited him on the bus to say one last goodbye. The smiles and enthusiastic responses he received back were heartfelt and something I’ll always remember. 

Even if the noise and chaos of the meet proved too much for Darrin Khan, the event was already a success. It turned out that he not only handled it; he had a blast. He was fully engaged and joined in with the cheers coming from our section for each UCLA gymnast. A new friend we met that morning even surprised him with nachos. It's been a long time since we’ve seen him feel as connected as he did that day. I don’t know if his experience would have been different if the UCLA Gymnastics tribe hadn’t welcomed him in, but I know his odds of having a great experience went way up because they did.

Darrin Khan knows when someone sees him, and he can feel when someone believes in him. He’s not bothered by those who do neither, but they don’t get much of his time. There’s a lot of wisdom in his approach. As good as it feels to prove your critics wrong, it’s nothing close to how good it feels to prove your believers right. 

April is Autism Awareness Month and there is increasing consensus to shift focus from awareness to acceptance. I like that because I’ve seen how important acceptance is to belonging; and a sense of belonging can open up a whole new world.