Prove It!

Most people share an innate drive to “prove themselves” to others—friends, family, neighbors, colleagues and other onlookers—to be more capable, worthy of admiration, and an example to follow. This is very common in the work environment—promotions, contract awards, a decision to work with us or not; all of this might hinge on our ability to “show” and “prove” to anyone looking (and to ourselves) that we are all those things, that we have those attributes. Our natural inclination is to show that we have the answers, that we’re strong, and that we’ve got it all figured out.?

There is a lot of “proving” going on! But this constant self-proving limits our potential. When we’re focused on proving something, we’re not focused on learning, getting better, or growing. We’re locked in a mindset where we’re too afraid to make mistakes, admit weaknesses, or ask for feedback.?

Can We Make a Shift?

Could there be a different angle, another perspective here? What about not only “proving” but also “improving”? Everyone “sort of knows” what they can be better at (even if they might not be willing to admit it, least of all to themselves). Even if they don’t know exactly what, most people can intuit there is “something” they could do better.?

We can find areas to improve looking deep inside ourselves, but we would be well served by seeking feedback from others, asking them for areas where improvement might be necessary. Others certainly see things? we could start, continue, or improve. Is what we think aligned with what everyone else sees? Asking can be daunting. It means opening up—putting ourselves “out there"—and makes us very vulnerable.?

The Gateway

Embracing vulnerability and standing on it to grow and improve feels counterintuitive, but, hard as it is, it is not a sign of weakness but of strength. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable— admitting that we don’t know everything, that we have areas for improvement, and that we can learn from others—we create space for genuine growth.?

If we give ourselves permission to not have all the answers, we can lean in and take uncomfortable action, and this opens tons of possibilities for self-awareness, feedback, and development. All of a sudden, we free ourselves from the pressure of maintaining a perfect facade. This shift is the gateway to deeper learning and authentic growth, both personally and professionally.

In the Workplace (a.k.a., Superman is no more)

For the longest time, companies have rewarded their leaders for having all the answers, an unwavering certainty of what to do, and total clarity about where to go and what to seek or avoid. Leaders were all-knowing, infallible and almost all-powerful.

Around the time I was in college, it seemed to be the era of “superstar” CEOs, household names and icons, revered by their boards and the general public, whose exploits inspired many and were amazing examples to emulate. Think Jack Welch of GE, Roberto Goizueta of Coca-Cola, and Larry Bossidy of Honeywell, among many other titans. They seemed to steer their companies to their highest performance peaks with an iron hand and zero doubts.?

But times change! Today’s younger workforce (mostly Millenials, with Gen Z fast joining the ranks) is looking for different things in their leaders. I consistently hear from conversations with younger people in organizations that they want to trust their leaders. And the key to giving out their trust is seeing their leaders be able to show their authentic selves as actual human beings, with vulnerabilities, lives, and maybe even fears, people who can engage with them transparently.?

It is essential to build trust in any relationship. Studies consistently show that lack of trust is a key reason teams fail. In his book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni explains that when vulnerability-based trust is missing, it leads to issues like fear of conflict, lack of commitment, evasion of accountability, and neglect of results.?

According to research by McKinsey, many of today’s CEOs aren’t sure about what makes them authentic and how to share those traits and characteristics with others. Having been a C-Suite executive, I can tell you I agree: most executives at that level, talented as they are, have a very hard time figuring out how to lead their teams through authentic human connection (rather than through wrangling KPIs or unwittingly instilling fear of failure). Many didn’t know where to start; others haven’t found time to think about it deeply.?

In his 2017 article in the Harvard Business Review , Paul J. Zak wrote, "Building a culture of trust is what makes a meaningful difference. Employees in high-trust organizations are more productive, have more energy at work, collaborate better with their colleagues, and stay with their employers longer than people working at low-trust companies.”

Far Beyond The Workplace

“Proving" often becomes ingrained in our daily lives. We spend our energy striving to meet others’ expectations, presenting a “perfect” (according to whom, by the way?) version of ourselves that fits a specific image of success, beauty, or achievement.?

This whole notion of how and why we came to believe (almost “know”) that there is some version of ourselves that is “better” in the eyes of others is disempowering and oftentimes mostly a whole movie we create in our heads (I wrote about this in a prior piece ). It has the high opportunity cost of not letting us fully discover who we can become. It’s easy to get trapped in the cycle of seeking external validation.?

Just like in our professional lives, focusing on improving rather than proving ourselves could be a better path. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable helps us identify shortcomings to address, which increases our chances of defusing unfavorable reactions (lashing out, becoming defensive, shying away from taking action, among others).?

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” – Brené Brown?

Vulnerability, as difficult as it may be, can foster more meaningful, open, and authentic connections, especially important in relationships where trust, empathy, and understanding are crucial. Allowing ourselves to let our guard down, put aside pride and apologize, reveal flaws, fears, and warts, and all creates space for intimacy, growth, and transformation in our relationships. It helps us connect on a deeper level with a partner, a family member, or a friend.

It is hard to connect with that “true self,” the part that is human, where fears and weaknesses lie, and to go from “proving” to recognizing and showing our own vulnerability. But if we want to be trusted, as a leader, partner, friend, or any other aspect of our personal lives, there is no avoiding it.

The Coaching Perspective

Sometimes, the best way to move forward is to let go of the pressure to prove anything to anyone and? ask ourselves, “What’s the cost of constantly trying to prove my worth?”?

When we give ourselves permission to be vulnerable, to make mistakes, and to ask for help, we open the possibility for higher trust, deeper relationships, more fulfillment, and a clearer sense of direction. It’s in these moments of self-acceptance that we allow ourselves to fully be—not just in the workplace, but in our personal lives as well.

Every day, one at a time, think about ways you want to “be” and try to connect with and show your vulnerability: “be” open, “be” humble, “be” curious, “be” self-accepting. You can create a little bit of a checklist with these things you commit with yourself to “be"—similar to how you would treat a “to-do” list.?

We can always do better. It means focusing on personal growth rather than perception management. You must be willing to take risks, to invest in relationships that may or may not work out, and to act with no guarantees.?

Vulnerability is the willingness to be touched by others’ perspectives while also allowing yourself to be seen fully by others. And this willingness to ask, listen to, and act based on the feedback we get (good, bad, or ugly) is what will help us move forward and inspire others to trust us.

Interested in Coaching?

Let’s have a conversation! At the very least, you focused on yourself for an hour and gained more clarity and greater self-awareness and authenticity. I would be happy to explore with you how Coaching can help you get unstuck and leave behind the feelings of being overwhelmed or unsure about the direction of your personal or professional growth

Schedule a complimentary coaching session today !