Protecting Yourself During a Negotiation: Moves, turns, and power plays during a shadow negotiation

Negotiations often bring to mind formal discussions about contracts and business deals, however, there is another type of informal negotiations that plays a crucial role in our daily lives. In addition to the actual content being discussed, there is often a subtle battle for power and control that takes place in the background. This hidden aspect of negotiations is commonly referred to as the shadow negotiation.

During shadow negotiations, power plays are often used in an attempt to determine the relative power of the negotiators. These power struggles can distract from the actual issues being negotiated. Finding ways to turn the focus back to the matters at hand is an important general strategy for diffusing a power play.

In the language of negotiation, some of these power plays fit into a broader group of strategic moves. A move in this context can be thought of as a specific request, position, or attack made by one party, while a turn refers to a response or reaction to that move. It is possible to think of moves and turns as the building blocks of a shadow negotiation, as each party makes a move and the other party takes a turn in response.

The book "Negotiating at Work" by Deborah M. Kolb and Jessica L. Porter has provided good summaries on common types of moves and turns that happen when someone is making a power play. Here are five common moves presented in the book:

1. Challenging your competence or expertise: This type of move involves questioning your ability, skills, or knowledge in a particular area. For example, if you had an amazing sales year, it may be common for people determining your bonuses to diminish the results by calling it "luck" or "just average".
2. Demeaning your ideas: This type of move involves diminishing the value or importance of your proposals or attacking your credibility. It is common for the counterpart to express disbelief or outrage at the proposal when using this technique. For example, if you suggested a new approach to a project, your negotiation partner might respond by saying, "You can't be serious about this proposal."
3. Criticizing your style: This type of move involves attacking your personal approach, attitude, or behavior. This is an attempt to make you look inconsiderate or irrational. For example, if you were advocating for a specific point of view in a negotiation, your counterpart might respond by saying, "don't overreact" or "don't take things too personally".
4. Threatening moves: This type of move involves using the threat of negative consequences to coerce the other party into accepting your demands. For example, if you were negotiating the terms of a contract, your counterpart might say, "If you don't agree to these terms, we'll take our business elsewhere."
5. Appealing for sympathy or flattery: This type of move involves attempting to win the favor of the other party by appealing to their emotions or by complimenting them. For example, if your boss were trying to get you to accept an unreasonable amount of work then they may talk about how gifted and talented you are. This will make you more likely to agree to their request.

It is important to know about these moves because they are quite common in the workplace and there are many variants on them. However, all of them are designed to "put a person in their place". These types of moves can be made either consciously or unconsciously, and they can have a significant impact on the outcome of a negotiation. This is why it is crucial to know how to protect yourself during a negotiation.

To counter these moves, it is important to prepare well and avoid a defensive emotional response. You need to know your own challenges (strengths and weaknesses) about yourself and your position. You need to know about the other person you are dealing with. You need to anticipate their "good reasons" for saying no.

Instead of being defensive, it is better to turn the conversation towards a more productive outcome and discussion. There are many different turns that exist, but fortunately the book "Negotiating at Work" outlines six common turns that can equalize the power dynamic in a shadow negotiation.

1. Breaking or Pausing: This technique helps diffuse the emotional element of a negotiation. There are two forms that are useful, and the easiest one is to remain silent. Research shows that when there is silence in a conversation people tend to feel uncomfortable and want to fill the silence. In the case of a power play, your counterpart may grow uncomfortable enough to apologize. The second technique is to suggest taking a break for 3 minutes, as research suggests this helps both negotiators achieve better outcome.
2. Naming: This technique involves calling attention to the behavior or move being used by the other party, and showing that you know the purpose of what is being said. There are many ways to do it, and they can be used to dramatically raise or lower tension. This is a good technique to set boundries on how people can treat you in a professional setting. Some rely on humor, some rely on revealing a move's ineffectiveness, and some rely on highlighting its inappropriateness. One less confrontational example would be to say, "Whoa, slow down friend! Every time I throw an idea your way, it's like a brick wall. Care to explain the deal?"
3. Questioning: This technique involves asking questions to challenge the other party's moves or statements. It can force the counterpart to justify a demeaning assertion they have made or help them see beyond their own perspective. For example, if your counterpart is calling your performance average, then you could ask them "what would you consider an above average performance?" and you may follow it up by aligning the story of your performance with their description.
4. Correcting: This technique involves substituting a different motivation or version of events then the one being implied by your counterpart's move. You can use it to counter stereotyping, legitimizing your actions, and provide context-changing information to your counterpart. For example, if someone says your ideas are not good enough to be considered, then you can say "I understand that you may have a different perspective, but I've been working in this field for several years and have a track record of successful projects. My ideas come from a wealth of experience, and I believe they can add value to this discussion."
5. Diverting: This technique involves changing the focus of the negotiation to the issue itself, rather than the person. It is possible to substitute the original idea that was unpopular, for a better idea that is closer to your counterpart's criteria.
6. Focusing on the future: This technique involves shifting the focus of the negotiation to the potential benefits and outcomes that could result from a positive resolution. You may acknowledge past issues, but then suggest moving past them.

These six turn techniques can be useful in turning a negative or unproductive conversation into a more positive and productive one, and they can help equalize the power dynamic in a shadow negotiation. In general, when handling a personal attack, it is important to maintain your composure and shift the focus back to the issue.

However, this article just presents basic summaries about an enormously important and broad field within negotiation. Getting better at moves and turns requires learning more about them and practicing in the real world. I would highly recommend reading the book Negotiating at Work if you are interested in learning more about these kinds of techniques.

Next up in this series of articles, we will return to last weeks topic about handling lies from your counterpart. This is an essential aspect of negotiations, as lies and misinformation can often be used to manipulate the negotiated outcome. So, stay tuned for more insights on how to protect yourself in a negotiation and keep negotiating with confidence!