If programming languages had honest slogans

The following slogans have been floating in the internet ether for a few years, and I've decided to collate and display them as fun conjecture.

I believe each language has its contextual benefit and not deemed to be outdated or irrelevant. e.g., believe it or not, COBOL is still important

The slogans:

• Java: Don't worry about unnecessary details.
• C++: It's essential to worry about details.
• C: If it works, don't fix it.
• Rust: If it works, fix it anyway.
• Assembly Language: Worry about microseconds, not your finite lifespan.
• Perl: The Wild West in text processing form.
• Python: The Netherlands in text processing form.
• Ruby: Easy to understand, especially after the first five years.
• Scala: Do you find ordinary programming languages too easy? Try Scala.
• Haskell: Do you find Scala too easy? Try Haskell.
• Erlang: I fancy a sequential subset. Would anyone else like a sequential subset?
• Cobol: Do you find ordinary programming languages too exciting? Try Cobol.
• ActionScript: Let's not be too hasty to write off the Titanic.
• Javascript: You can run, but you can't hide.
• CoffeeScript: Maybe we can hide?
• C#: Probably not everything Microsoft does is terrible.
• Swift: Probably not everything Apple does is right.
• Awk: Recapture your nostalgia for the late 1970s.
• Fortran: Recapture your nostalgia for the 1950s.
• PHP: Because sometimes, you need to compromise your principles.
• Basic: Everyone's got to start somewhere.
• Pascal: You can use a proper language when you finish your course.
• Kotlin: Damn those Oracle guys with their so-called Java.
• Go: We know you hate C++. Here's the answer.
• Smalltalk: Surely, we can't just throw it away?
• Lisp: Because life's too short to learn new programming languages.
• Ada: We can't have planes crashing now, can we?
• R: It's essential. One day scientists will figure out why.
• PL/SQL: Because every life must include some suffering.
• CSound: Make any kind of music you like, as long as it's awful.
• Visual Basic: I think I felt a pulse?

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