Be A Professional Questioner

**This article, along with others on the subject of Coaching, appeared in the May/June 2018 Issue of Conscious Creators Magazine

Coaching has changed significantly since I first became certified in 2001. At that time I also trained clients in yoga and pilates, helping them create balance in body, mind, and spirit. I spent most of my “marketing” time explaining to people exactly what a coach is and often used references to personal training and sports so that people could grasp the idea. Times have changed. Now I spend a majority of my marketing time explaining what a coach is not.

I have been a yoga instructor for over 25 years and coach for 18. During that time I have observed how the monetization of the Yoga “industry” [a topic well suited for another article] and now the coaching profession has transmuted them into a jungle of options for both client and coach. Change brings growth, especially when it invites self-reflection. What can we learn from the current dilution of the profession that presents a matrix of multi-level marketing platforms or year-long programs geared to making you a better [fill-in-the-blank]? 

Do we need to be better, or do we need to just be?

Although I believe most coaches have good intentions for entering the field, the current standardization and cookie-cutter templates of coaching have missed the mark in defining a “good” coach. Ultimately, your clients will determine who and what makes a good coach for them. These results are not always measurable, though, and the term “good” is subjective, arbitrary, and ephemeral. My informal research leads me to the following three points that I feel make a coach a Coach: Listening; Questioning; and Self-Reflecting. 

1. Listening

Listening requires skills. It sounds simple but takes practice. When we start out as coaches, we wonder whether we are helping our clients. We may compare ourselves to other coaches. We have the initial forms and templates and lots of information the client has provided about who they are, why they want a coach, and the results they are looking to achieve. What the client needs, even when they do not yet know it, is for you to show up 100% and listen to them—Fully, completely and with presence.

How do we know when we are listening and being present? For me, it is when I can “feel” what the client is saying while s/he is saying it, and I don’t know what I am going to say when s/he is finished. So often I have sat through an initial consultation with a prospective coach who was quick to jump in with a story of her own that, at best, only tangentially related to my story. How does your story about you help the client? It may, but first be clear on the intent behind sharing it, and above all, be concise. A 10-minute story about your own history does not reflect what the client has shared with you about her own story. 

Restating and clarifying what she has shared is listening. Listening requires feedback about what the client has shared, so the client can look in the verbal mirror at herself. I have witnessed negotiations and mediations where litigants have had a chance to fully express their side of the story and were then able to find a peaceful resolution to the disagreement. So many people have a silent war waging inside of them, and keen listening allows a person to make peace with that. The gift of listening is allowing the clients to also listen to themselves. 

Seek out training in listening skills. One area to consider is the practice of Non-violent communication, or NVC.

2. Questioning

I ask questions. I am a Professional Questioner. People are not looking for THE answer, but rather their own internal answers. Coaching provides an opportunity for the clients to feel empowered by listening to their own answers. I often meet people who state they would make a good coach because people come to them for advice. More often, these people are just offering their advice, but the point is that a coach is not a consultant and is not here to “fix” people. Giving advice becomes more about the advice giver, not the client, and it disempowers him by indirectly stating he cannot make the decision on his own. 

Ask better questions. Ask for clarification. Give them room to answer with your silence. Keep asking them to tell you more. They will. 

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3. Self-reflection

We are energetic beings transmitting and receiving information. I believe we draw in clients who also have something to teach us. After a session, take some time to reflect on how you felt before, during, and after the session. 

• What came up for you? 
• What questions and answers also had messages for you? 
• Is there a pattern in the types of clients you are attracting? Is that a coincidence? 
• Did you feel defensive or judgmental? Did you talk too much or too little? Did you offer advice, even when asked? 

When we reflect on our own stories and history that arose in the session, it can be a tremendous gift for our own growth. A journal and meditation can be grounding, and we help our clients with our own energetic transformation. 

Finally, I would recommend asking yourself the following question on a regular basis to improve your coaching skills:

• Are you the type of coach you would hire for yourself? Why or why not?

Life is happening for us not to us. Ask yourself the questions you would most like to be asked.

Nicole D. Mignone is a Professional Questioner and a Business Transformation Guide, helping solopreneurs and business professionals transform body, mind, and business. For more information, visit Minding Your Own Business on Facebook or on YouTube.