Professional Loneliness - Causes and Strategies

People, people everywhere, so why am I so lonely?

In 1914, Sir Ernest Shackleton led the failed Antarctic Expedition, and is well known for saying that “Loneliness is the penalty of leadership”.

I agree with Sir Shackleton, but I don’t think loneliness only affects leaders. I think it impacts all of us at some point.? Professional loneliness.?

I remember a point in my career several years ago, and maybe one of the reasons I’ve pivoted my career to leadership development and coaching, that I felt so lonely on all aspects of my roles, saying to a friend ‘how do I stay sane when everyone around me is telling me I’m wrong, even when I’m not’. ?

While you may immediately challenge me and ask me, “were you wrong?”, what I’ve retrospectively realised is that the behaviours around me were completely incongruous and misaligned with my own.?

A more recent project I worked on gave me the opportunity to speak to well over 100 people in the course of events.? What I found at the end of this period, I was worn down, and again at one of the loneliest points in my career.? I’ve reflected many times over the past month, and on past years, on why this was and concluded on some of the following causes:

Always on

• I never relaxed and was always on best behaviour and watching every word

Fear of vulnerability

• I felt exposed as I put my authentic self out there.? I thought all politics was bad, and I refused to recognise it or engage with the good politics.

Remote working/working alone

• very rarely did I get the chance to meet people face to face, so conversations were transactional

Not sharing a common vision

• my own beliefs may not be aligned with the wider group

Imposter Syndrome

• not feeling good enough and I was going to be found out

Not knowing who to trust or share my fears with

• I was lacking a confidant that had been through the same experience.? Someone I trusted, just to listen without judgement and share experience.

We feel loneliness when we feel disconnected, not belonging or feeling excluded.? Researching this further, studies have also shown that loneliness can stem from:

·?????? Doing independent roles in a small team

·?????? Poor relationships with colleagues or manager

·?????? The culture or behaviours in the company being incongruous to your own beliefs

·?????? Not feeling noticed at work?

Brene Brown, the American professor and author, has said about loneliness “When we feel isolated, disconnected, and lonely, we try to protect ourselves. In that mode, we want to connect, but our brain is attempting to override connection with self-protection. That means less empathy, more defensiveness, more numbing, and less sleeping.”?

This isn’t good for any of us and can have massive impacts on our physical and mental health.

What can we do about this and recognise when we, or our teams are struggling?

• Executive Coaching – Working with a coach can help you develop coping strategies to manage this loneliness, especially with a coach that has a similar experience and can support you in your thinking.
• Peer groups - find a group to share challenges, to discuss, and understand that we are not alone in this.? Often these can be facilitated by a coach.
• Creating a shared vision - when we are all working together towards a common goal, its hard(er) to feel disconnected
• Invest in team building - ensure that teams are working effectively together, and within the wider system to most effect, for personal and corporate benefit.
• Celebrate successes together - these can be individual achievements, or team achievements, however small, and ensure we are all seen
• Seek feedback (and act on it!) - this allows a greater number of lines of communication to be opened, as well as engage with people on a deeper level.

I’m still lonely at times while i’m building my practice, but I wouldn't change a thing. What I am doing is actively looking for groups to be part of, to share ideas, to challenge each other. I’m finding LinkedIn a great outlet for this, and its rewarding to know that many of you are telling me you are engaging with my LinkedIn thoughts and find it useful.?

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