PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS: Your guide to staying mentally healthy

This is really important and might sound obvious but it is REALLY HARD to do. Accepting ourselves and others for who we are is key to our wellbeing. If we or others don’t match up, we can choose to accept and move on rather than blame, criticise or ridicule. Don't sweat the small stuff! Understanding why people don’t always react as you expect The second key barrier to communication is our own emotions and wellbeing on the day. These can affect our ability to deal positively with other people’s problems. As Receiver you need to be able to stay calm as it will help the other person to regulate their emotions too. To do that we need to look after our own wellbeing.

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We’re not really taught about emotions and the importance of understanding and expressing them safely. We often feel uncomfortable when other people express strong negative emotions and may ignore them, worry that we may say or do the wrong thing and make it worse or we retaliate. Men in particular are often still expected to be “strong and silent” and "Boy's don't cry" but everyone needs to be able to talk honestly about how they are feeling. Keeping it inside can be harmful. By being expected to be in control, and not admit to sadness or feeling anxious or scared, those negative emotions often come out as anger. Then we tell people not to be angry either, so how can they express it? It's not surprising that things sometimes escalate. It is OK to get angry. It is a normal human emotion and not necessarily bad as it can help protect us and be a positive driver for change.

If anger is regularly expressed through unhelpful or destructive behaviour, affecting the physical or mental health of the person or those around them, then help should be sought. We all feel things differently, express these emotions differently and take on different behaviours as a result. It is part of our “Fingerprint”. It may seem obvious, but you cannot tell someone else how to feel about something. It won't change how they feel. They feel that way so it is OK, even though you may not understand why. The quick Science Bit! The three parts of the brain all communicate with each other but the Instinctual and Emotional brain kick in before the Rational brain when there is a perceived threat. When someone is in distress they are in their "Emotional Brain". They can't think about anything other than themselves and the here and now so they can be unpredictable.

They cannot be objective, see others' points of view or solutions to their problems until their Emotional brain has calmed down and the Rational brain gets control. Someone in their “Rational Brain” may not see what someone is so upset about, but to the other person those feelings and worries are very real. To get an idea of how people in the “Emotional Brain” see the world, imagine a beach scene with people swimming in the sea, bodyboarding etc. Imagine Will Smith "Miami" or Cliff Richard “Summer Holiday” playing. Now think of the same scene but this time with “Jaws” music. The scene looks and feels different doesn't it? The “Emotional Brain” may view the scene "with Jaws music" like this, with unseen threats, expecting something to happen.

Downward Spiral

Be aware that there is a link between feelings and behaviour that can tend to reinforce negative feelings. For example, you feel bad (eg like no-one in your group likes you), this makes you act slightly differently with them, they pick up on this, feel hurt/angry etc and act in this way towards you.

So you think “I was right. They don’t like me. I’m rubbish etc” This can lead to a downward spiral. Being open to seeing other (less negative) explanations for situations and behaving differently as a result may help to stop this spiral.

Signs of Distress

There are many ways to recognise when someone “Isn’t OK”. They may just be having a bad day or they may be experiencing something more longstanding. Picking up these signs in yourself and others can help manage difficult situations and find early support. The diagram below shows some common signs of distress; things you might see, physical sensations, thoughts and feelings.

These feelings are very common it's just we don't usually talk about it. Be careful of your assumptions. Some people are very good at actively hiding external Signs and come across as outwardly happy/joking/ the life and soul. Their distress will be shown to someone though, perhaps subtly in jokes or a throw away comment.

These Signs are largely non-specific and are things that we all experience at one time or another. They can happen in various combinations. We notice them at certain times then they go away again. Experiencing these Signs can be confusing and worrying. People often think that tthey are the only ones that feel like this. S 12 People may think they have something physically wrong with them. Men in particular often go to the GP with physical symptoms like stomach or heart problems, not linking these to how they are feeling emotionally.

There is stigma and often shame in admitting some of these feelings, particularly for men who often think they should be able to control them so see it as a personal weakness. Distress such as fear, anxiousness or sadness may come out as anger. In these cases, try to find out what is really bothering them. The Signs may be noticed as a recent change in someone's usual behaviour or they may be more longstanding. It may be that someone has been finding it hard to cope for some time, so their "usual" behaviour has become angry/withdrawn/grumpy etc. In these cases, go back and look again. If the feelings are not going away, are affecting someone most days, stop them from doing things they enjoy or makes them feel they can't cope, some advice from a GP may help. When people are distressed you may feel rejected or hurt by what they say or do. Try to keep doing what you think is right. Don’t let their actions push you away.

Suicide Risk

• Identifying someone at risk of suicide is very difficult. There is no list of risk factors that reliably achieves this. There will be Signs of Distress, however some may be actively hidden.
• Significant life events may increase risk but also things that others discount as insignificant (eg the death of a pet) may be "the final straw". It is what the event means to that individual; their perceptions of their personal situation at that time.
• Increased risk often relates to perceived “loss”. This can be loss of some thing (money/job/home), someone (relationship breakdown/bereavement) or something less obvious like perceived loss of a future, loss of self worth etc.
• The only way you will really know if they are at risk is if they tell you, honestly.

The Optimal Range

The second key barrier to communication is our emotions and wellbeing on the day. These can affect our ability to deal positively with other people’s problems. As Receiver you need to be able to stay calm as it will help the other person to regulate their emotions too. To do that we need to look after our own wellbeing.

There is an optimal state where we are comfortable and dealing well with what is going on, both inside ourselves (our feelings/emotions) and from the outside world. When things get too much, some people move upwards out of this optimal range and become angry/stressed/talk fast/jittery.

Others withdraw and don’t talk to anyone and slow down/shut down. Some people get stuck at the top end of the optimal range and it takes very little to tip them over into angry/OTT behaviour. The “SToRMS of Everyday Life” diagram explains a bit more about this. We all have bad days. Some days little things annoy/frustrate us, others we take them in our stride. Coping with daily life can be hard. Even without really bad stuff happening, there are often lots of things going on and lots being dealt with for the first time. It can get quite overwhelming

Think of it like a bucket being filled by rain. Everyone’s capacity for dealing with what life throws at us (the rain bucket) is different.

The things that wind us up/upset us (the rainclouds) fill the bucket. The more rainclouds the quicker the bucket fills.

The things that make us feel better let some of the water out. These may be really small things that happen, like someone smiling at you, or someone thanking you for something. You can also do things yourself. This may be as 14 easy as talking to a friend about it, trying the Wellbeing strategies (GREAT DREAM) and/or Solution focused strategies (starting to address the cause of your problem). Avoiding the issue or Alcohol /Drug use/ gambling etc may seem like good coping strategies but they actually just fill up the bucket more.

There have always been pressures from thoughts you have about yourself, relationships with others, and stuff going on. Often they overlap. The "Connectedness" of social media has the power to add to these pressures or ease them. Remember lots of little, apparently insignificant things can fill up the bucket as much as a couple of big things.

Examples

• Self- No-one liked my Facebook post. I knew I’d mess up. Everyone likes my brother. I wish I looked like them. Only perfection is good enough.
• Others - Someone broke your favourite mug and won’t own up. Someone was hogging the bathroom. They said they would do something and didn’t.
• Stuff- You missed the bus/got cut up at the lights/couldn’t find anywhere to park. You’re struggling to keep up with all the things you have to do.
• Next door’s dog kept you awake again.

These same things may also take water out of your bucket at other times (getting on well with someone, positive feedback at school /work, linking with friends over social media etc). Whilst the water stays in the bucket we are coping. When it overflows this is often expressed as a sudden change in behaviour; Outward Signs such as anger, tears etc. If our bucket is already filled near the top, it may only take a small drop to make it overflow. Someone’s reaction to this small thing may seem completely out of proportion but what else is going on in their life/filling up their bucket?

When the bucket overflows they are in their Emotional Brain and their behaviour may be unpredictable. You may have to decide whether to help them calm down or get out of their way. You need to keep yourself safe. They will not be able to have a reasoned discussion until they have calmed down.