The process of grief and what to do when your friend is grieving.

Yesterday I lost someone dear to my heart, my dog. She crossed the rainbow bridge after 12 years of love and a very rough life. I have no regrets except that I was in another country as she was in pain and left this world, but other than that I know I gave her my all. I’m grieving and the pain is unbearable.

But I’m not here to talk about my pain, but what to do when someone you care about is in a pain like this.

Many people have kindly reached out to me, and I am incredibly grateful for the people around me that have helped make this moment less awful but at the same time I’ve noticed that not all of us know what to do when faced with a situation like this.

Being close to a person who is sad is never easy. We don't like to face some emotions, we enjoy being around happy people and we rarely think about sadness and pain or depression, our instincts and the social conventions have certain sentences that we all say but what do we actually do? Can we help the other person feel better?

With the experience I have I’ll share some insights and perhaps this will help you the next time someone close to you is grieving.

1.?????Decide if you have the energy to deal with this. it doesn’t matter if you’re close to the person, if you don’t feel like you have the energy to deal with their pain and be there for them, you’re not obligated to do so. If you feel like you can’t deal with it, that’s fine. Say the usual “I’m sorry for your loss” to let them know they’re in your heart, but step aside and give them space. Your energy and your own mental health are also very important.

2.?????If you do have the energy, ask your friend or relative “is there anything I can do for you?”many times, they will say thank you and move on, but this lets them know you’re available.

3.?????If they answer “I don’t know” you may offer some suggestions. The best suggestions for people that are grieving are:

a.?????Do you need company?

b.?????Can I get you some food?

c.?????Do you need some space?

d.?????Do you wanna talk about it?

e.?????Do you wanna talk about something else?

f.??????Would you like to go out?

g.?????Wanna take a walk?

h.?????Do you want a distraction?

All of these may help the person you care about deal with the situation.

4.?????If they’re spiritual or religious in any way, offer to be with them in their ritual or prayer, even if it’s not your belief. As long as it’s not contrary to your own religion, offer company in their ritual so they don’t do it by themselves.

5.?????Remind them that you’re there for them if they need anything. Loneliness and negative feelings can feel even bigger when one is sad.

6.?????Give them space. If they say, “I don’t need anything” or “I want to be alone”, don’t take it personally, it’s not about you. People who are grieving usually don’t have the energy to be overly nice or polite, and they must prioritize their own recovery from the situation. If they need space, it’s not about you, it’s about them and what they need, so try to keep that in mind. Space and some alone time can also be healing.

After you’ve considered this, also consider what things not to do:

1.?????Don’t push them to do what they don’t want to do. Telling them they must go out, they have to have fun or other things that they clearly say “no” to, won’t help them. The person knows the energy they have and pushing them to do things they don’t want to do will be overwhelming and make things worse.

2.?????Don’t tell them to “get over it”. Each person heals at their own pace, be patient and if at any point you feel you can’t be there for them anymore, that’s ok, but never put that blame on them. You can move away from the situation, but they can’t do it at will, things will heal but each person heals differently and at a different pace.

3.?????Don’t diminish their pain by saying hurtful sentences “it’s just a dog, your mother has been sick for a while, you knew she would die, death is inevitable, we all die, the majority of relationships end up in break-ups”, etc. This doesn’t make the pain any less and will actually make the other person angry and mad at you. If you cannot show empathy, then refrain from interacting with the grieving person. For you it may not be important but if they’re in pain, it was important for them.

4.?????Don’t tell them how they should grieve. Saying things like “don’t cry, you should sleep more/less, you should eat this/that, you should wear bright colors, you should go out more/less, etc.” Crying is natural and sometimes necessary. If they want to cry, let them cry. If you don’t like seeing or being around people who are crying, you don’t have to be there, but don’t limit what other people can or cannot do. No one should have to explain how painful something is for them, don’t invalidate their feelings.

And finally, just be patient and loving. People who are grieving need that love, but all of us have different ways in which we receive love. This is a hard pill to swallow but we can’t love others how we want to be loved but how they want to be loved. Sounds a bit rhetorical but think it through.

Grief is like a wave that comes and goes, sometimes it washes over us, sometimes it drowns us, sometimes it goes quickly sometimes it takes longer and we cannot control it. If we want to be there for someone who’s grieving, just remember that we cannot fully understand what they feel, but we can support them while they feel it.

I hope this helps and if you have any other thoughts, I’d love to hear them.