Problems Cause Marriage
I read somewhere the other day that there’s a 45% chance of first marriages breaking up and a 60% chance of second marriages collapsing. It’s probably an American statistic. I’ve no doubt, however, that South Africa would probably mimic it quite closely.
I reckon that both you and I know of someone who has got divorced recently. And, there’s a good chance, that if you’re reading this that you’ve probably been divorced or have come from a single parent home.
I think my family certainly did its fair share to add to the statistics. My father was divorced four times, my mother twice, my elder brother thrice and my younger brother once. That’s 10 divorces! I think that my family gives credence to the saying that the biggest cause of divorce is marriage.
You’re probably wondering about me. No, I’ve never been married. Of course, at 52 this raises the question of whether or not I have commitment issues. Duh!
Like me, you’ve probably heard one of your friends at one time or another, say something to this effect: “I have problems in my marriage.”
Problems cause our marriages
When we make a statement like this, I think they’ve got it backwards. I think that our problems cause our marriages.
Why do most of us get into relationships and/or marriages? We kid ourselves when we say it’s because of “love”. The real reason, in my opinion, is that we’re getting into relationships to sort out our problems or to fill a void.
We think that by having a partner we’re going to fill the void of loneliness, the feeling that we’re being “left on the shelf” or that the other will “complete” us and make us happy.
It’s a myth. We need to face the fact that a marriage can never fix what’s “wrong” inside of us. Only we can do that. The other can never fix that void that sits in us.
So, if you’re still married, don’t look for the problems in your relationships, look for the problems in yourself and get to work, otherwise you’ll just become another statistic.
And, if you’re thinking about getting married, pause. Just make sure that you’re doing it for the right reasons and not because you think it’s going to solve your problems.
You’re smart and you know this to be true: Nobody else can make you happy. Only you can make you happy.
More essays by Jacques.
Independent Copywriter | I help businesses to engage better with their market through quality writing and content.
9 年Learned this (mercifully) early on in my marriage. Funnily enough i had to read Eat Love Pray (Sorry, ok??!) and go through some kind of belated teen-twenties-rebellion to get there. Then I realised I wasn't unhappy because hubby wasn't 'enough'. It was my emptiness that I was imposing on him. I nearly lost him for it. I've set out to change me, instead of him, and what do you know.... we're both happier. Every couple should read this.
Owner, Esmeralda's Compliance Training Solutions
9 年So true! Excellent basic truth once again. I learnt that after my divorce, after I gave myself a year and a half to digest, I started meeting men again. I could not believe how many people carry their pain , issues and misconstrued truths around. Another year later, I met my current husband, both coming out of difficult first marriages, we found our differences so small, that it was quite simple to lovingly guide one another to insights in slight packages and burdens we still carried ourselves. Makes it so easy to eventally be able to let go, and give yourselves the opportunity for love and trust. I also realised that starting with a friendship to see if you like one another, and want to be with a person, both with and without words, makes an eventual physical relationship extremely deep and fulfilling. Dated 6 years, tied the knot, December we were married for 7 years. Best decision of my life!
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9 年Well said! Fix yourself first.