The Problem with Self Care
Barry Lewis Green
Educator, Speaker, Coach, Writer, Creator ... advancing Character Leadership and Education ... to move forward together, stronger ... engaging change.
Back on April 14, I wrote on Avoiding the Confidence Trap, as the first in a 12-part monthly blog series called "Dozen It". I humbly recommend the read. Today, and this month, I want to share a little deep dive on Caring. I shared something on it back on April 7 in the face of the pandemic. In that post I gave some homework, if you will. I asked...
- How can you care better for yourself? Name 3 ways.
- How can you care better for your closest loved ones? Name 3 ways.
- How can you care better for your community, locally and globally? Name 3 ways.
Today, I'd like to take that to a bit of a deeper dive... on Caring.
I am no counsellor, social worker nor psychologist. That being said, my work as both an educator and a Master Facilitator with the Virtues Project over the years, and my sum total life and work experience, allows me to share some observations I think worthy of at least considering. I invite you to do so now.
Deconstructing Caring
Consider the card above.
Taking an interest in others, listening purposefully and deeply, looking for ways to be considerate and helpful, being gentle and loving, giving Excellence, having passion for our beliefs, and ...
... that last one. See the card.
Hmmmm, "I take good care of myself". Interesting. In this video, I share some thoughts on Caring... and I suggest that we often understand the "do unto others as you would have done unto you" ... but what about flipping it?
- Do unto you as you would have done unto others.
You see my observation in 14 years coaching leaders in Dale Carnegie classrooms (1988-2001), in 40 years of training and development (1980-2020), in management and leadership... in the private, public and community sectors... and with Epic Engage.... is that many of us get the Caring for others but less the Caring for ourselves. Certain temperaments in my work in personality assessment find this a huge challenge. We will put ourselves last. Then we get shared the "self love" message which says we need to "love ourselves first". Both are not singularly healthy, in my observation. Therein lies the problem, in my estimation. The former leads to burnout, and the latter can lead to shades of entitlement.
- My experience tells me that Caring internally and externally is both reciprocal and parallel. It is not first nor last. It is not either/or. It is AND.
Indeed, by caring for others, we can be caring for ourselves as there are benefits in such generosity. But, I digress.
A Natural Observation
I often look to nature for guidance. Wolves for example, care for each other, and yet have their own boundaries. Of course they do. They are wolves. Animals do not have existential crises. They are what they are, and their instincts kick in. We, with our minds, often over think. Should I help here? Is this my place? Or conversely, "Who am I to take some time for myself right now?" We overthink Caring, far too often.
For Me
If I were to steal a page from the wolf, I would not think on Caring... I would just know what I care about, and I would take care of me in doing it. Guilt and shame and doubt and fear would not get in my way. So, for me, what is my most natural state of caring and how can I best, and most authentically, care for myself? Here goes...
Today, in Making a Purposeful MARK, I explored what my work purpose (and yours) could be for better alignment. I suggest alignment is dynamic, realworld, powerful Caring.
Even as I prepared to write this I had a bit of an a-ha. My MARK changed ever so slightly but importantly. This animal, this Barry Unit, is about building prosperity for humankind at school, work, business and community. I advance that through the study and practice of character leadership and unity building in support of world embracing educators, entrepreneurs and leaders... and through living, loving, honoring, speaking, teaching, training, facilitating, coaching, consulting, writing, blogging, vlogging, cartooning, acting, singing, dancing and creating. All of this I truly care about. That is the Barry Unit.
Now, for me, alignment is the most natural state of Caring. Being what you are and doing what you do, at your best... that is Caring.
It implies that I will be real.
It also implies that I will live with my own sense of Emotional Intelligence. I will grieve when I need to do so. I will listen to my kinds of music (Shinedown and Alter Bridge and Andy Grammer and so many others muchly included), and work out in ways I find joy. I will enjoy my #bestlittledogintheworld Panda and my humble home in ways I enjoy. I will see my home, not as prison, but "home", sanctuary, refuge. I will pray the way I love. I will practice Candor...
... Dominion ...
... and Wholeheartedness.
The Virtues and Caring
And, I will continue to explore and apply character, as a tool in Caring. The virtues are not unlike multiple gears in a manual transmission or arrows in a quiver or strings on a guitar. We can apply simple strategic planning by analyzing a given situation, determining the most strategic virtues needed, practice them and execute on them ... and evaluate their effectiveness. Caring, in action. And we can do it with ourselves.
BOTTOM LINE
Take care of you through grief and joy. Explore the power of vulnerability. Find your moments of joy, and belief. Ultimately and most importantly, I hope that you walk away understanding these five things.
- Caring is a strength of character; a virtue... and it takes daily reflection and practice.
- Practice makes permanent.
- Caring for others is ultimate Service... and can provide benefits to us.
- Caring for ourselves must run parallel with Caring for others. They must run alongside. Indeed, the only real way we can teach others the importance of such is by example. Our kids will learn it by seeing it.
- Alignment helps ... naturally and magnificently.
Yes, Caring is strength. It matters. We need it in this world. We need it grown in ourselves, and our kids and neighbours and leaders. Caring for ourselves must run parallel to Caring for others and the world. Be a champion of it. Be a teacher of it. Study it. Practice it. Lead with it.
And take and give care.
Peace, passion and prosperity...
Barry Lewis Green, aka The Unity Guy with Epic Engage
Educate, lead, unite and inspire. Move forward together, stronger. My work is about bringing campuses, companies and communities together, moving forward stronger. I work with educators, entrepreneurs and emerging leaders to do just that. My work is about character leadership and education and its role in helping individuals and organizations build a better world at school, work, business and community. I deliver on it through speaking, coaching and development in character leadership and education. My expertise is character leadership and education. I advance unity in diversity by moving the needle on leadership and education that is high character and results forging. I speak, teach, coach, facilitate, lead, write, sing, dance, cartoon and create on that. In 1980, Professor Rolf Hattenauer changed my life. A highly respected expert in Human Resource Management, he expected much of us and he believed much in us. He was an educator and leader of high character. He was extraordinary. To this day and beyond, I try my darnedest to honor his spirit with my own work. That is another story. But I hope I did him service here.
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