"The Problem with Being Too Nice at Work:" Balancing Change, Communication, and Consistency - A personal reflection.

In her TEDx talk, "The Problem with Being 'Too Nice' at Work," social psychologist Tessa West explores the concept of "anxious niceness"— the tendency to overcompensate with politeness when feeling uncomfortable or anxious. While being nice might seem like the right thing to do in the moment, West argues that when it comes at the expense of honesty and authenticity, it can lead to misunderstandings, avoidance of difficult conversations, and damaged relationships.

This resonates deeply with the challenges we face right now both in the wider NHS - but also more closer to home, as we bring our two Trusts together to form a hospital group and work towards forming a single, enterprise-wide Digital Service across our city. As leaders, we’re currently navigating huge organisational change while ensuring that our teams feel supported, heard, and engaged. We’re balancing the emotions and uncertainty that come with change while also needing to keep the train on the track—delivering digital and IT services that our hospitals rely on every day.

In times like this, communication becomes even more critical. When leadership leans too much into “being nice” to soften the discomfort of change, we risk avoiding the hard conversations that need to happen. But if we swing too far the other way—pushing forward with direct, no-nonsense instructions—we can leave people feeling unheard or even blindsided. The challenge is to strike the right balance: to be open, honest, and transparent, ensuring that our people feel valued while maintaining momentum on the work that needs to be done.

Why Consistency in Leadership Matters

One of the biggest risks in times of change is inconsistency. When leaders communicate one way one day and then shift their tone the next—perhaps being overly positive at first, then becoming more direct when things aren’t progressing—it creates confusion. Teams start to feel like they are getting mixed messages, and trust can erode.

As we start to think about bringing our digital teams together into a single enterprise service, this consistency is vital. If one day we’re reassuring our teams that everything is fine and there’s nothing to worry about, but the next day we’re suddenly shifting to urgency and pressure, it makes people feel uncertain. Are they performing well, or aren’t they? Is change happening slowly, or is it moving fast? If leadership’s tone and messaging fluctuate too much, it can leave people second-guessing their place in the change.

The best thing leaders can do is remain steady—not letting emotions dictate communication, not taking frustration out on colleagues, and ensuring that feedback is clear and actionable from the start.

Navigating Different Communication Styles

In our two Trusts, we have a hugely diverse workforce, bringing together people from different professional, cultural, and personal backgrounds. As we start to plan what a single digital service across the city looks like, we must be mindful that people communicate and interpret messages differently.

• Some individuals value direct feedback and see it as a sign of respect and professionalism.
• Others may prefer a more relationship-based approach, where messages are framed with diplomacy and reassurance.

Neither is right or wrong, but differences in communication style can lead to unintended misunderstandings. If someone is used to a direct approach and suddenly receives softened, ambiguous feedback, they may not realize that improvement is needed. Conversely, if someone is used to a more indirect communication style and then receives blunt feedback, they might perceive it as criticism rather than constructive support.

Misalignment in communication can also lead to frustration and escalation. If someone feels they’ve been spoken to in the "wrong" way—whether too bluntly or not clearly enough—they may feel unheard or undervalued and escalate concerns to HR, unions, or Freedom to Speak Up teams. Many of these issues could have been resolved with clearer, more intentional communication from the outset.

For our digital teams, where we’re uniting and collaborating, getting this right is key. Leaders and managers must be consistent, transparent, and aware of how different communication styles impact individuals—especially during a period of uncertainty.

When Leadership Gets It Wrong: Owning Mistakes and Moving Forward

We’re all human - right?!. In fast-moving environments like ours, where we are leading significant transformation, we won’t always get it right. A common pitfall is when leaders start off too “nice” to avoid upsetting people and then later shift to a more direct approach when things don’t improve. This can leave employees feeling like they’re getting mixed messages—thinking they were doing fine, only to be suddenly told they need to change.

When this happens, the best approach is honest ownership and my reflection on how we address this are:

?? Acknowledge the inconsistency – "I realise I wasn’t as clear as I should have been initially, and that may have caused confusion. Let’s reset expectations."

?? Clarify the core message – Restate what needs to happen, ensuring that feedback is constructive and actionable.

?? Reassure and support – Shifting tone can be unsettling, so ensure people understand that the feedback is about growth and improvement, not criticism.

?? Learn from it and adjust – Leadership is about continuous improvement, just like any other part of the organisation.

In times of significant change, there will be moments where we, as leaders, misjudge how we communicate change. What will make the difference is our ability to acknowledge those moments, learn from them, and reset the course with transparency and integrity.

Building a Culture of Open and Honest Communication in Digital Services

As we move towards a single, enterprise-wide digital service, our success will depend not just on the technical aspects of integration, but on how we communicate, lead, and support our people through this journey.

To navigate this transition effectively, my thoughts on communication are;

? Stay consistent in our messaging – Avoid sudden shifts in tone and ensure that communication aligns with our long-term vision.

? Create psychological safety – Encourage open dialogue where people feel comfortable asking questions, raising concerns, and offering feedback without fear.

? Balance empathy with honesty – Acknowledge the emotional impact of change while ensuring we keep the organization moving forward.

? Adapt to different communication styles – Be mindful that not everyone processes information the same way and adjust accordingly.

? Own our mistakes and reset when needed – Leadership isn’t about getting everything right the first time, but about being transparent when we don’t.

Bringing two Trusts together with the formation of a hospital group, and uniting our digital and IT services into one is no small task, in fact, its probably one of the biggest transformations we will experience. There will be moments of challenge, discomfort, and learning. But if we focus on clear, open, and honest communication, together, we will create a service that not only delivers but one that people trust, respect, and want to be part of.

This is our opportunity to shape the future—not just of digital and IT services in my organisations, but of how we lead, support, and communicate as we build something new. Like I said above, we are all human, we all make errors of judgement in the moment, but don't be afraid to come and chat to those of us in leadership roles. Lets sit down and have a cup of coffee and a chat - you might just be surprised by our response,. The sole purpose of our role is not to upset colleagues, but to drive forward change in a way that works for everyone. And trust me, its a lonely place in a leadership role - but that's a topic for another blog!