Pro-choice

It's 2020. It is 6pm. I have just got home from work and I am sat on the floor of my living room playing with my 6month old son, while Dave the handyman fixes a leak in my rental house kitchen.

"So you working full-time then?"

Yes, I reply.

"What does your fella do all day?"

I choose not to reply to this question about my partner who is currently doing the full-time care for our son.

"Don't you miss him" he continues, pointing at my chubby 6 month old. I choose also not to reply to this uninvited comment feeling my heartrate increase, my cheeks flush and my anger rising.

This is just one of many unfortunate experiences I have had of uninvited, insensitive and sometimes outright insulting comments made about my choice to return to work when my son was 5 months old. However, in the international teaching world, particularly in Asia, there is often very little choice afforded to women on the length of their maternity leave. Or should I say, real choice. Additional leave can be taken, but it is often with reduced pay or without benefits, such as housing allowance or medical insurance. And when you do return to work, there are often no options for part-time work or reduced loads to help you to manage the incredibly demanding role you now play of 'working mum'. Quality paternity leave or shared parental leave is reserved only for the liberal heights of European International Schools bound by EU law. But what I believe matters above all in this, is choice.

I may be in the minority (and my 'mum shame' may be on display for all the world to see now) but I did not enjoy maternity leave. I love and adore my 2 children, but I found maternity leave lonely. I found it monotonous. I found myself going gradually insane from the repetitive ebbs and flows of the days and I longed for the structure, busyness and sense of purpose that my daily work brings me. Albeit challenging, I couldn't believe how much happier I felt when I returned to work. My recent diagnosis of ADHD further confirms why maternity leave was such a difficult time for me; the lack of mental stimulation, the repetition of the days, the endless time to obsess over the mental load etc. And so, for me, choosing to return to work 4 or 5 months after giving birth was the right choice. And thankfully, a choice fully supported by my partner who did the majority of the childcare for our son until he entered nursery. I am incredibly fortunate to have had the freedom and privilege to make that choice at that time.

So how can we do better as organisations in the choices that we offer?

Earlier this month, I was incredibly lucky to spend a week at the Principal's Training Center diving deep into the concepts of Leadership in DEIJB with the incredible Joel Llaban Jr. It began with a lot of self-reflection, or what Dr Yolanda Sealey Ruiz would call 'the archaeology of the self' (Sealey-Ruiz, 2022).

Transform yourself to transform the world - Grace Lee Boggs (2021)

DEIJ work begins with an examination of the self because it is only through deep self-awareness that true understanding and connection with others can grow. This is also where entrenched biases and assumptions are uncovered and challenged. Assumptions such as, 'as a mum I should love my maternity leave'. This is where having choices is so vital. And where the privilege of choice that I have experienced as a white, middle-class woman should not be underestimated. We must examine these issues through the lens of privilege and focus on supporting the choices of those who are most marginalised, be that the stay-at-home mums, the mums who return to work or (to quote one Vice Presidential candidate) the 'childless cat ladies' of the world (Bellafante, 2024).

Bellafante, G. (2024) JD Vance and the age-old trope of ‘childless cat ladies’, The New York Times. Available at: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/25/nyregion/jd-vance-kamala-harris-cat-lady.html (Accessed: 26 July 2024).

Boggs, Grace Lee in Brown, Adrienne Maree (2021) Holding change: The way of emergent strategy facilitation and mediation. Chico, CA: AK Press.

Truth, love, & racial literacy | Yolanda Sealey-Ruiz | tedxpenn (2022) YouTube. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-V_GdpVR6NI&t=3s (Accessed: 26 July 2024).