Prison Break

"I want to be remembered as someone who broke all the norms." –?Karol G, Colombian musician

What's your relationship with norms? Do you tend to conform or are you willing to stick out?

As you notice people who are different, do you tend to reject them, or are curious to learn more?

Sticking Out Like a Sore Thumb

In a recent podcast interview with Roger Christie, I shared the metaphor of "sticking out like a sore thumb."

Typically, we are worried about sticking out because we worry about being rejected by those from the in-group.

While yearning to be accepted is natural, the assumption that sticking out like a sore thumb is undesirable is one example of a prison that our minds have created.

If we allow outdated rules to run our lives, sacrificing our natural talents and honoring what makes us unique, then we risk only one outcome –?an unremarkable life.

Inevitably, the story we tell ourselves can become our prison, if we're not careful.

Breaking out of the prison of the mind is, however, easier said than done.

Socially Prescribed Perfectionism Is Everywhere

When I went to Paris recently to attend the doctorate residential program, I heard about the challenges female candidates faced.

Some women had to give up on their educational dream for they were not allowed to travel on their own or shed caregiving duties, even for a while.

Cultural norms are important, and these are our roots that must be preserved. Such norms also create law and order in society.

But too much of it can be… stifling (for lack of a better word.)

It's not my position to say what norms are good or bad.

Or whether breaking out of some norms is even possible.

What I do know is that the pressure to conform to social norms or "socially prescribed perfectionism" (aka, the need to look perfect in front of others) can be oppressive if it isn't right for you and your heart.

And it's not only the women who are confined by such norms.

A study found that men in cultures expecting them to be "strong, independent, and powerful" experienced more stress and worse mental health after job loss or income reduction.

The cost of fitting in can become too high if it means going against your heart.

As I wrote this today, I feel grateful that I had the chance to challenge norms, freeing myself from guilt when I travel without my kids. Negotiating gender norms and boundaries with my spouse was one key milestone. When both of us broke out of our mental prisons, we found a way to support each other.

Become Shining Role Models for Others

Breaking out of mental prisons takes both courage and timing. I encourage everyone to seize opportunities to push boundaries because in doing so, you'll become shining examples to encourage others to break norms too.

The best thing we can do is be mindful of the mental prisons we put ourselves in.

Here are three mental reframes you can try to start breaking out of the prisons.

Prison 1: I can't do this

Many people tend to think about the limitations and constraints whenever they're up against a big, hairy, audacious goal.

While it's good to be prepared for the worst-case scenario, immediately thinking what we "cannot" do is like killing a dream before it even has a chance to take the first breath.

In coaching, I often catch such self-talk, and seize the moment to push the boundary a little.

"What would you do if you had a magic wand?"

"What if there are no limitations and you can have anything in the world?"

The idea is to stretch the mental prison a little bit. Even if the cell is an inch bigger, that's already a small victory.

So next time, tell yourself…

Yes, I can't do this, but I can do that instead.

Prison 2: I can't achieve the goal in the same way that 'somebody' had

Comparison kills joy.

Especially with the prevalence of social media where everybody makes it look effortless, it's easy to lose hope and become demotivated.

Remember: all those fairy tales you read about are NOT REAL. There is no overnight success. People who oversimplify things are not sharing the whole picture.

"If I can do it, so can you" is also an extremely TOXIC statement among leaders that I want to call out.

So it's true that you can't achieve the goal as someone did because you are you, and they are them. Of course, you can't do it like they did.

Instead, look out for your own gifts and talents. Everyone has "superpowers." You can have the same goal as someone else, but how you get there depends on your superpowers.

I hope you'll break out of the mental prison that there's only ONE way to success because there are many possible roads.

Prison 3: I have to do this alone.

Another mental prison I see people put themselves in is expecting themselves to go on an arduous journey and suffer alone.

A classmate shared a quote in my doctoral program: "Alone, a tree will die easily but together as a forest, we can survive."

To achieve anything great takes time, patience, and above all, self-compassion.

I've met so many leaders who refuse to receive help from others. What are they trying to prove? That they have lasted longer while slamming themselves against brick walls, again and again?

There's seriously no prize in enduring the pain, much less alone.

So if you tend to refuse to ask for help, think again.

This is a big, big prison that you can break out of, if you see asking for help as strength, not weakness.

A More Equitable World

The idea about breaking the norms isn't about rebellion, but about a more equitable world.

With our thoughts, deeds, and words, we can either reinforce norms that serve us and the community well, or we can stop people from rising.

As I chatted with Roger in the podcast, I was glad today, I worry less about conforming and appearing perfect in people's eyes.

When judgment from others doesn't get to you (in a bad way), then we can find a lot of joy in sticking out like a sore thumb.

After all, thumbs up or down is completely a story you tell yourself.

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