The Principles of Disagreement

I always here "We can agree to disagree." Whoever came up with that quote should have patented it for this phrase is widely used these days.?Public discourse or discussion from our generation no longer exist. I turn on ESPN, and commentators are yelling at each other. You go online to find community and connections, and you see bloggers bombing out their messages that are not related to the topic.?Someone has to always fee alienated.?People now are so scared to get into an argument that they are now willing "not to be engaged." Contempt has replaced conversation.

I am a believer that it is okay to disagree, but we disagree productively. I have one person reporting to me before told me "You do not support me. You are just listening to the other side." I went to correct her "I do not agree with your plan, but I strongly support you."?What I am trying to do here is to bring truth and some sense to her plan.

There is no handbook for Structured Disagreement that will satisfy both parties; nor attempt to teach me to persuade or be persuaded. Maybe some has a knack for arguing, but arguments are exhausting. Here I am listening to her. She is very vocal and passionate but it felt like she's attacking me while making her statements, rather than explaining the substance and situation. It is always easier to attack a person that disagrees with you, rather than communicating the ideas themselves.?She led me to believe that her revealing way to respond to any argument is to be as extreme as possible.?

I advised her the way you reach people, is to find a common ground. Separate your ideas from identity and be willing to listen. Be open to persuasion. Organize the conversation from what the current situation is, and compare it to what it should be. Re-think how you communicate. You need to engage and learn from conflicting ideas. You can be direct, but you must be respectful. Being extreme is total opposite. During engagement, discover the common ground. Find a thing where everyone agrees on.

Invite everyone first to a "Shared Reality." Shared reality is your cured to alternative facts. Conflict will exist, but by having shared reality - you now have a platform for discussion. Have this discussion face to face (may Camera On TEAMS). Listening to someone's voice as the person makes a controversial argument more humanizing. It makes you engage.

Imagine if you setup your meeting this way, where your common ground is your centerpiece instead of the Biggest and Most Controversial Subject. You bring everyone first into the Shared Reality.?Then you collect separate ideas of identifies. No one attacks the identity. Everyone just listen. This winning strategy is to engage with the best, clearest, and least personal version of the idea. You don't reject ideas just because it is not similar to yours. When you come up with the next big idea or solve complex problem, ask everyone to submit ideas anonymously. You will be surprised that most of the good ideas might come from someone who has a hard time of getting the ears of leadership.?Or because of their identity or position might not be taken seriously.?I am a believer that ideas must be transform by discussion rather than identifying identity.?

Be open to the possibility that someone's idea is better than yours. The Humility of Uncertainty. One of the reasons it is so hard to have a legitimate discussion is we are so attached to our own ideas. We start believing that we are them, and that they do not own us.?But if we removed that belief, you will realize that the results will eventually be the same. You will start to flip that cognitive switch - that the suspicions you hold about others will eventually disappear.?Once you step into their shoes, you are now embracing uncertainty and the possibility of being wrong. This act of humility makes you a better decision maker.?You are now able to evaluate more range of evidence - your ideas and theirs.?You learn to be more objective, and become less defensive when you're presented with conflicting evidence. Uncertainty humbles you.?It empowers you. Pre-commit to the possibility that you may be wrong.?Stop dismissing and start persuading. Stop shutting down and start opening up more. It's all about attitude.