Prince Harry, Sheryl Sandberg and Lasticity

So, start with this obvious question: what do Prince Harry and Sheryl Sandberg have in common with the new word: lasticity. The answer is everything. Here's why.

In a variety of media outlets, Prince Harry recently shared that he has long suffered from the early death of his mother but did not deal effectively with his grief. He has since disclosed that he sought professional help and has increasingly talked to his brother Prince William and sister-in-law about his mother, Princess Di.

To quote Prince Harry (albeit from People Magazine (May 8, 2017 issue at p. 21) which you can question if you care to do so in terms of its truthfulness and standing of that magazine within the field of journalism), "I always thought to myself, 'what's the point of bringing up the past? What's the point of bringing up something that's only going to make you sad? It ain't going to change it, it ain't going to bring her [his mother Princess Di] back.'

So, here's one point. Even if you do not bring up the death of a parent at an early age, the reality of the event is not disappearing. Not thinking about it does not make it go away. And, not talking about it because you cannot change it does NOT mean you cannot change how you think about it and feel about it - were you to address the topic head on. Silence is rarely if ever the answer to trauma. Period. Full stop.

One only needs to look at Prince Harry's behaviors since his mother's death to know that her death likely affected him greatly. Might his drunken brawls and outlandish behavior have been a reaction to the loss of his mother (among other things)? To be sure, his father and grandmother's behavior, his father's remarriage (and psychological infidelity), and his being in the public eye virtually every minute of his life could be sizable contributors too.

Now, turn to Sheryl Sandberg who has co-authored a book and written a recent piece in the New York Times (yes, more reputable a publication than People Magazine although some would question its bona fides too) on how she has handled and is handling the sudden and early death of her husband. In particular, she is focused on how she can preserve her husband's memory for their children and has overtly sought to keep his presence in their minds; she has been willing and able to help her children acknowledge the sadness and the the simultaneous need to move forward without guilt. She has asked friends to record reminiscences and she has not hidden evidence of her husband in the family home. No amount of hiding will hide the degree of difficulty of children coming to terms with the death of their father (or mother in the case of Prince Harry) at such young ages. And, one of her children poignantly remarked that she was forgetting her dad because she was not seeing him each day, a situation that Ms. Sandberg then sought to remedy by providing concrete tangible memories.

Sandberg's answer to the trauma she and her children faced was to help them deal with the past so they could move forward. She calls this the development of resiliency. While she and I differ (as I have written about previously) on the aptness of the word "resiliency" to describe what she is trying to accomplish, Sandberg recognizes that a traumatic past is not going away. The hard part is figuring out how to integrate it, in a healthy way, into the present and the future. No small challenge.

Now, let's turn to the links between Prince Harry, Sheryl Sandberg and lasticity. Lasticity is a made up word that I hope will soon enter our lexicon; it is developed in a just released book titled Breakaway Learners (Columbia TCPress). It describes a process by which those who have experienced trauma or toxic stress and/or abuse can navigate forward effectively. There are many such individuals -- students of all ages and at all stages, Veterans and adults. We have no shortage of negative life experiences as we live lift, although they hold more power in the minds and bodies of children.

Lasticity, at its core, recognizes that one cannot lose or abandon or disregard one's past. And, one is forever changed by it, thus the nexus to the word "plasticity" within the word "lasticity." What is key is that the change from trauma is not necessarily or even overwhelmingly negative over the long haul. From abuse, trauma or toxic stress, there can be positives that can make a person sturdier and wiser and more creative, among other attributes. Yes, some abuse/trauma is so severe that there will never be "normalcy," but with quality relationships, a quality environment, trained professions (teachers, psychiatrists, therapists, social workers, leaders), individuals who have suffered abuse and trauma can come to thrive. Experience shows us that -- in ourselves perhaps or in others whom we know or in people about whom we read in magazines and books and on television and in movies, plays and other art forms.

Both Prince Harry and Sheryl Sandberg have discovered lasticity. The problem -- if one can call it that -- is that they haven't had and still do not have a name for this recovery state and recovery process. It is not resiliency for sure; there is no going back. It is not grit or perseverance, which are descriptors of a desired skill but not sufficient to carry one forward. It is not about mindsets and mindfulness either; state of mind is not enough as one needs others to help one more forward.

Lasticity is a process; it is not one sided. It is not simple. It requires changes in how we view those who have suffered trauma and it is about how to help these individuals navigate to a new place that literally embraces the past, recognizes that past and its impact and fosters a pathway forward to a new, and eventually one hopes, better place.

The strength of lasticity is its power to help others find success. The problem is that, until now, we did not have a word --- which also means we did not have an in depth understanding -- of what it takes for those who have been traumatized to succeed. Now we do if we can share its meaning and facilitate the word's entry into our lexicon and our consciousness.

Price Harry and Sheryl Sandberg and many others (myself included) have found a way forward. But, it would have been easier for us and it will most assuredly be easier for others if we have the tools to facilitate that walk forward. These tools are encompassed in a new word and that word is "lasticity." Let's start using it; it can positively serve both individuals and our collective good.