The Prima Donna's Cat: Romancing Your Royal Catness on Meowentine's Day

It’s been said that the ancient Egyptians worshiped cats and that cats have never forgotten this. Being that mine find it perfectly acceptable to sleep on my royal blue velvet pillows that are only for decoration, lay across my computer keyboard as I’m typing this—donk, donk, donk!—and take refuge in my bath towel when I’m about to step out of the shower into the freezing morning air, I believe this to be true.

Thus, if we forget about The Most Beautiful Creature That Ever Lived (the name of His Holiness's cat in The Dalai Lama’s Cat by David Michie), I’m pretty sure your cat’s reaction would be similar to your own reaction if your significant other didn’t show up on the doorstep with flowers and chocolate. You just don’t take chances with those who have nails (or claws)!

So to help you save face (literally), here are some ideas for how to spend a lovely evening romancing your…cat.?

Let the night begin with flowers and a box of chocolates. The flowers will be catnip scented like these Boots & Barkley ones that I found at Target. (And they say Valentine’s Day is all about commercialism. Pfft.)?

Or you can create your own like I did using catnip scented paper.

(Unfortunately, it doesn't look like they still make the catnip paper shown here but normal origami paper with a spritz of catnip spray would probably be even prettier.) To create these, I searched for “origami roses'' on YouTube and simply picked the easiest-looking tutorial. There’s also the method of simply taking a layer of tissue paper (the kind used for wrapping gifts), folding it back and forth until you've made a fan, then wrapping a pipe cleaner around the middle, and separating/lifting each piece of tissue until it’s looks like a big flower.

Obviously, you’re not going to feed your cat actual chocolate. You get to indulge in the truffles; however, keep the box to present your cat with an assortment of cat treats with different textures—crunchy, soft, and freeze-dried.?

Next, turn on some soft music while you prepare your cat-cuterie board and dinner. But rather than Kenny G, play the melodic interludes designed specifically for cats called Through A Cat’s Ear. It’s classical music that employs bioacoustic principles and other sciency stuff proven to relax those living in a feline household. You can get the CD series or iCalmCat 5.0 Portable Speaker on Amazon…or listen for free on Spotify. Dim the lights and get a flameless candle going, and you’ve set the mood.

(If this blog doesn’t scream spinster with three cats…)

For my clowder, I’ll be arranging a spread of (catnip-filled) sardines and sushi that I purchased from Petco to wet their appetite.

You can emulate a similar spread using a mini-charcuterie board, cheeseboard, tasting platter, or silver platter like these adorable ones I found at The Dollar Tree and HomeGoods:

Yes, Meowentine’s Day is all about presentation. So for dinner, it’s imperative you whip out the fine china. Because tonight, your feline companions will be dining beside you. And while you enjoy your filet mignon, they’ll be savoring tonight’s special of beef and liver pate—shaped like a heart, of course—nestled in a tuna-flavored mousse tartare and sprinkled with Dr. Tim’s liver seasoning, garnished with a sprig of wheatgrass.?

?

You can do this on their birthday, too.?

Next to their crystal water glass (filled with chilled SmartWater—something about the “added electrolytes for taste” make this water especially refreshing to cats of high society), treat them to a champagne coupe of CatSip, available at most pet retailers.

I scouted this acrylic “coupe glass” at HomeGoods as well as some cute crystal bowls at The Dollar Tree that would provide your whiskered date with the divine dining experience they deserve.

Once their bellies are full and they’ve freshened up (spent 90 minutes meticulously grooming themselves), it’s time to present them with their gift. And by gift, I mean jewelry. (Feel free to gift yourself something shiny, too.) If your cats haven't joined a nudist colony like mine and will wear a collar, I saw some diamond encrusted ones at Petco and have seen some pretty fancy designer-inspired pieces on Etsy.

But before my aristocats decided it had to be real diamonds or no diamonds, I used to visit the jewelry-making section at Michaels or Hobby Lobby and find unique charms to frost them with. (Just make sure whatever you affix to your cat's neckwear is not too heavy or a potential choking hazard.)

While we typically swoon at the sight of a blue Tiffany’s box, your cats will probably take more interest in a catnip scented bag with catnip scented tissue that they can burrow in and attack your feet from later. If you missed my Catmas blog, this is all you need to do:

• Order the SmartyKat Catnip Infused Paper Bags (sold by every pet retailer, including Amazon and Walmart)—or repurpose your own paper bag
• Place your gift inside and cover it with white tissue paper
• Spritz the tissue with catnip spray

Meow, it’s time for some snugglin’.?

After you get your head out of the gutter—this is not an episode of The Office—give your cat a nice massage (ha!) using a curry brush. Seriously, that is what this rubber-bristle brush is intended for! I got Scamp's from PetSmart, but Petco sells a similar one (in purple) by KONG.

Amazon also sells a brush called the “Blackhole Real Cat Tongue Textured Grooming Brush,” which comes in a surprisingly beautiful box you’d think was intended for a luxury watch.

End the night cozying up with some chocolate-covered strawberries (real for you, catnip-scented for Kitty-Kitty Princess—compliments of Petco) on the couch with a sherpa blanket that will make your cats look at you like you’ve become The Catmother or The Catfather, i.e., as warm and fuzzy as they are...and put on a movie like Bridget Jones’s Diary, Valentine’s Day, or whatever is playing on The Hallmark Channel.

And have a good cry.

(Just kidding. Face it: it’s a work night, why not spend it with the one who gives you unconditional love year-round, purr se.)

Finally, before you call it a night, don’t forget to tell your cat “I love you” via the slow-blink; if you’ve never heard of this, it’s when you look your cat in the eyes and slowly blink yours—he or she will take this as a sign of affection and reciprocate.

On behalf of Scarlett, Scamp, Meow-Meow, and myself—Happy Meowentine’s Day!

*While you’ll likely enjoy the classical music designed for cats I recommended, I don’t know that my cats’ favorite movie—a DVD called Cat TV—or the popular While You Were Gone cat DVD would be bearable to watch for two hours, so perhaps, let them watch their viewing choice during the day while you’re working. And tonight view the romantic comedy While You Were Sleeping, instead.