Pride and Poignancy

College drop-off is done ... now what?

A recent Boston Globe story, “Tears, hugs, and then your child is a college freshman,” captures the dueling emotions many parents experience when a child moves on to college. Recent weeks have seen loads of minivans, SUVs and rent-a-trucks filled with embers of a life left behind and the flames of promise and possibility ahead.

Why is it so hard?

Cheryl Stumpf, a licensed professional counselor at Susquehanna University and a member of the National Advisory Board at the Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE), believes that this transition – for parents – can be distressing and disturbing. She says, “These are characteristics of trauma. A major transition like launching a child as a young adult can cause symptoms such as anxiety, depression, irritability, hypervigilance and panic attacks.” Stumpf advises that parents need to pay attention to what is going on internally and consider "the old stuff" that may surface during this time. She concludes, “It may mean it's time to lean into vulnerability through self-care in order to cultivate a different relationship with their young adult that includes tolerating their child's growing pains and communicating in new and wonderful ways.”

Reasons to Cry

A recently posted piece on Grown and Flown, “6 Reasons Why Moms Cry When They Leave Their Kids at College,” sheds some additional light. Writer Helene Wingens reports, “This weekend we dropped off number two son at college. This is not my first rodeo so I was somewhat prepared for the flood of emotion that comes with this process. Despite the fact that I’ve been feeling weepy for the last week or two, the actual separation went surprisingly well, even though I did feel that familiar lump rise in my throat as we watched him walk away.

“If we moms had to explain why we get all misty-eyed … we’d say, or as I can only speak for myself, I’d say:

1. My heart is so full of love for you that it aches like a physical pain and it’s that almost unbearable fullness that brings tears to my eyes.
2. I will miss the way we were. Things will change between us now. We will always be mother and son but I will become an increasingly less important person to you, as it should be.
3. I will miss you and almost everything about you, your sense of humor, your long, rambling convoluted diatribes, even your closed bedroom door. But it’s not just you I’ll miss, it’s the light and life you brought into this home and your friends who also became dear to me over the years.
4. I will worry about you because I desperately don’t want you to ever feel lost or alone but I am certain that you will experience those ‘lost and alone’ days. Everyone has them. Thinking about the times that you will not be okay and the fact that I can’t make you okay makes me terribly sad.
5. I am not worried that you will not succeed. In fact, it’s just the opposite. I have no doubt that you will succeed and that success will lead you further from me. Again, it is as it should be, but sad, nonetheless.
6. That moment when you walked away from us, we went one way and you went the other. You walked into a bright new chapter of your life where the possibilities are almost endless. I was walking away from a piece of my heart and the poignancy of that moment is not lost on me.

In a similarly themed piece another mom weighed in, saying, “What I came to realize is the pain of taking our kids to college is an emotional cocktail of worry and sadness. And worry acts on sadness like lighter fluid on a barbecue.

“While we joke about worrying that our kids will not know how to do their laundry, that banter covers up much more profound worries that stretch back to the day we took them to kindergarten. We fret about our kids finding happiness. We worry about sending them into a world of strangers and hope that some of them become friends. We worry about the rejection they will inevitably suffer. We hope that they will find academic interests and challenges but worry that those challenges might be overwhelming. We worry about their health because they seem to get sick as often as they did in kindergarten and there is little that we can do to help. We worry about sexual assault, drugs, and alcohol abuse. We know they handled high school, but this is the big time. We worry that we shouldn’t worry. We tell ourselves that they are 18, an adult, no…a teen, no…our child, all at the same time.”

Do dads cry, too?

According to the Boston Globe piece, “If you look closely, for every dad doing the empty-nest touchdown dance, you can spot another discreetly blinking back tears as he hauls the minifridge up the steps and into his daughter’s dormitory.”

Letting Go

The New York Times article “Cutting the Cord: What Parents and Teenagers Need to Know” contains this telling tale: “My 17-year-old is heading off to college. I’m about 50 percent sure he’ll be fine. The other 50 percent is convinced his corpse will be discovered under a pile of filthy laundry, charred beyond recognition because I wasn’t there to tell him not to put That Thing in Tin Foil That’s Too Old to Eat into the microwave. Alternatively, he will die from fright, having had to kill a bug on his own.

“My worries have taken over my life. Which makes me like approximately every parent who’s sending their kid away right now. I can’t tell if this is a very good time or a very bad time to be reading books on ‘adulting’ — those skills we all need to make it in this world — but read them I must. Deep breaths.”

More Than the Laundry

Deep, deep breaths … because laundry and cooking are the least of parents’ concerns.

With drop-off done, many moms and dads continue to worry. News that a Kentucky high school is offering a new course called “Adulting 101” to teach students life skills, including – yes – how to do laundry, sheds light on why.

Perhaps surprisingly, “One quarter of parents surveyed say they are the main barrier to their teen's independence by not taking the time or effort to give their teen more responsibility, according to the C.S. Mott Children's Hospital National Poll on Children's Health at the University of Michigan.

“‘As children become teenagers, the role of parents shifts to helping them gain the knowledge and experience they will need for being independent adults,' says poll co-director Sarah Clark, M.P.H.

“‘This process of transitioning from childhood to adulthood includes everything from preparing for work and financial responsibility, to taking care of one's health and well-being. Our poll suggests that parents aren't letting go of the reins as often as they could be to help teens successfully make that transition.’”

Some may wish they had shared certain nuggets of advice that Yvette Reyna enumerated in a recent article. (Then again, it’s never too late for parents to impart their wisdom.)

1. Get enough sleep.
2. Set your alarm clock (well, maybe 2 alarm clocks).
3. Attend all of your classes.
4. Study hard.
5. Stick to your goals and keep your GPA high.
6. If you struggle with a class, talk to your professor and ask for help.
7. Eat healthy.
8. Exercise regularly.
9. Be engaged in class (sit in the front row).
10. Get involved on campus (attend games, the arts, music and social gatherings).
11. Don’t skip the opening band, once Bono was part of the opening band & then there was U2…need I say more.
12. Be honest & true to who you are.
13. Be a good friend, laugh a lot & be a great listener.
14. Respect yourself and others.
15. Mid-terms and Finals will be stressful…but use that as a motivational tool, because son you got this!
16. Use common sense, don’t go out alone, you will be living in a new city, stay safe.
17. Trust your strong moral compass. Independence comes with rewards and responsibilities.
18. Protect your valuables, especially your social security number do not give it out.
19. It may be tempting but do not apply for a credit card, just shred all the offers you get in the mail (we’ve already shredded at least a dozen for you).
20. Pay cash, you can establish credit later in life.
21. Remember you are 18, not 21, so do not drink the punch, trust me it is not punch. Drinking age is 21!
22. Remember there will be consequences when you make bad decisions.
23. Beware of social media it will haunt you, “Oh, nice photo of you doing a keg stand,” said no future employer ever.
24. Mom & Dad have had many life experiences, call us if you want our advice.
25. We will give you emergency money. Starbucks is clearly not an emergency.
26. Anytime day or night, you can text, call or skype your parents & little brothers, we really miss you (your mom is stocking up on waterproof mascara) and we can’t wait to hear all about your firsts in college…first class, first football game, first time you vote, first A…
27. Keep God in your life by engaging in prayer (even if it’s just saying a little something to God in your head).
28. We don’t know if the world is ready for you, but we know that you have always been ready for the world.

College 101

On the flip side, parents themselves may have a lot to learn. Marybeth Brock offers “Hard Truths About College Life in 2019” in her article for parents.

• College is nothing like high school.

It doesn’t matter where your child went – if it was an accelerated program, an IB program, or all AP classes. You may think your kid has been expertly prepared for the rigor and routine of college, but it’s a whole different ballgame. Why? Way more freedom and way less handholding.

Whether your child goes away to school, or still lives at home, the day to day experience is strikingly different, and in most cases, no one really cares that much if they succeed or fail. It’s up to them to recognize when they need assistance, seek it out, and then execute the behavior changes to turn things around.

People will not be bending over backwards to push them to excel. Helpful resources are abundant, but only if the student realizes they are necessary and makes the effort. Temptations to slack off and engage in risky behaviors are also more abundant. Self-motivation and self-control are vital.

• Some professors suck.

It simply doesn’t matter what kind of school your child attends, or how much tuition you pay. Like every other profession in the world, some people are fantastic at what they do, and others underperform no matter how long they’ve been doing it.

The “top” schools may give tenure to professors that are great researchers and can keep publishing like nobody’s business, but that does not guarantee they are good with explaining facts or communicating to students in or out of a classroom. Many professors, graduate students and TA’s are nice people and wonderful teachers, but some are not. Buyer beware – you don’t always get what you pay for.

• Diversity – expect it and get comfortable with it.

We live in a divided nation, whether we want to acknowledge that or not. Over the past several decades, our colleges and universities have made great strides to create campuses that are full of a rich tapestry of all kinds of students, from all walks of life. There’s a good chance your kid came from a mostly homogeneous high school. There’s a huge chance their college will not be that way. This may be the first time your kid is faced with the reality that they are way “more” or way “less” than those they live and learn with. Will they try to really get to know kids who are very different than they are? Diversity can frighten and solidify homogeny or it can create brilliant understanding and important connections.

• Alternative viewpoints have to be heard. 

Along with a diverse student and faculty population, comes an entire array of world views. Your kid should expect these feelings when they go to college: anger, persecution, affirmation, confusion and cultural incompetence. Their beliefs and truths need to be pushed and prodded and questioned. There may be a speaker that comes to their campus, or simply a professor or fellow student who speaks out and challenges their religion, political views, or deeply held moral stances. That’s what college is for. Adults need to be able to listen respectfully and engage intelligently. We send kids off to grow and learn and develop critical thinking skills, not to be surrounded by people who are just like them and agree with their beliefs.

NBC News Learn, a collaborator at CARE, says, “Preparing your young adult to go out in to the world is equal parts challenging and emotional – and it's different for every family. No matter what your student is doing after they graduate high school, Off to Schoolkit is the ultimate guide to support both of you in this transition.”

Could all this advice amount to much ado about nothing? Not really.

Real-life ramifications of being unprepared for independence are reflected in statistics, maybe especially those related to alcohol use – still, unfortunately, a staple of college life (and, seemingly, high school life as well).

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, “Alcohol use continues to be problematic for youth and young adults in the United States. Understanding of neurobiology and neuroplasticity continues to highlight the potential adverse impact of underage drinking on the developing brain.

“Occasional or weekend use of alcohol is often dismissed as typical teenage behavior by adults, and its biological and functional implications are not recognized as being significant. Adolescent substance use frequently co-occurs with other psychiatric diagnoses, including anxiety, mood, psychotic, and disruptive disorders, and can increase the risk of behaviors such as suicide attempts and unplanned sexual encounters. The younger youth initiate alcohol use, the greater their risk of developing an alcohol use disorder (AUD) later in life.”

Audrey Monke, founder of Sunshine Parenting, also a collaborator at CARE, and author of the book Happy Campers, has written about alcohol use by college students. She says, “Look at any pictures from college, and ‘all’ the fun looks like it centers around a red Solo cup or a beer bong. The alcohol-drenched American college party culture goes far back (think Animal House), and many parents expect drinking to be a normal part of the university social experience. During the 1980s, when many of us went to college, rules and attitudes regarding alcohol were relaxed and beer flowed freely. From my own college days, I can vividly recall the deaths of two students in alcohol-related accidents – one from a drowning and one from a fall off a balcony at a party. The young man who drowned had been in my freshman dorm.

“We’ve learned a lot in three decades, mostly from very tragic, alcohol-related accidents, which has necessitated greater regulation of drinking on college campuses. But despite today’s more stringent rules, the known dangers of overconsumption, and the illegality of underage drinking, heavy partying is still the norm for many college students. In fact, according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, about four out of five college students drink alcohol, many in excess of what their minds and bodies can tolerate. Rules don’t change behavior, especially with this age group.”

Monke adds some scary statistics.

Death: 1,825 students ages 18-24 die from alcohol-related unintentional injuries or alcohol poisoning every year.

Underage drinking is a major factor in nearly all the leading causes of death and injury for youth ages 5-25: automobile crashes, homicide, suicide, injury, and HIV infection.

Assault: 690,000 are assaulted by another student who has been drinking.

Sexual Abuse: 97,000 students are victims of alcohol-related sexual assault or date rape every year, and alcohol is involved in 90% of campus rapes. 73% of assailants and 55% of victims report using alcohol and/or other drugs prior to the sexual assault. Female college freshmen, during their first three months of college, are most vulnerable to sexual assault ...

Injury: 599,000 students get unintentional injuries due to alcohol use.

Academic Problems: 25% of students report negative academic consequences from drinking alcohol, including missing class, falling behind, doing poorly on exams/papers, and receiving lower grades overall. Discuss your expectations regarding your child’s behavior and grades and what the consequences will be if they decide to party their way through college and not attend to the academics. College tuition is a high price tag to pay for your child to spend four years drinking and not studying ...

Health Problems/Suicide Attempts: 150,000 students develop alcohol-related health problems each year and 1.2-1.5% of students indicate they tried to commit suicide in the past year due to drinking or drug use ...

Starting School

While time and data have brought meaningful change on college campuses nationwide, University of Massachusetts Amherst chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy offers some words of caution about how critical the first semester of freshman year is. “‘A transition occurs and the 18-year-old has a freedom that they’ve never had before, for the most part. I encourage parents to keep tabs on their students through the end of the first semester. In other words, “How are you doing? Are you going to class?”

“‘Be a little intrusive. If two months go by and you haven’t heard [from them], that’s not a good thing. The equally important thing is to trust your student. If you have done a good job of parenting for 18 years, they will make the right choices. Trust them and don’t be overly intrusive. There’s a balance there, because sooner or later they’re going to stand on their own two feet.’’’

Standing on their own two feet, perhaps the most important rite of passage of all, is a significant accomplishment as young people begin their college journey – a time certainly marked by both pride and poignancy.

Stephen Gray Wallace, M.S. Ed., is president and director of the Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE), a national collaborative of institutions and organizations committed to increasing favorable youth outcomes and reducing risk. He has been a faculty member at Mount Ida College and Susquehanna University and is a member of the professional development faculty at the American Academy of Family Physicians and American Camp Association. He is also a parenting expert at kidsinthehouse.com, NBC News Learn and WebMD and an expert partner at RANE (Risk Assistance Network & Exchange). Stephen was national chairman and chief executive officer at SADD for more than 15 years. Additional information about his work can be found at StephenGrayWallace.com.

References

Brock, M. (2019). Five hard and blunt truths about college life in 2019. Grown and Flown. https://grownandflown.com/truths-about-college/ (8 Sept. 2019).

Farragher, T. (2019). Tears, hugs, and then your child is a college freshman. The Boston Globe. August 30, 2019. https://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2019/08/30/tears-hugs-and-then-your-child-college-freshman/ifzGIAetoF1Gxl5DIl9H3H/story.html (8 Sept. 2019).

Grown and Flown. (2019). College drop off after freshman year. https://grownandflown.com/college-drop-off-after-freshman-year/ (8 Sept. 2019).

Harris, B. (2019). Kentucky high school offers new course called “Adulting 101” to teach students life skills. Fox 8 Cleveland. https://fox8.com/2019/06/05/kentucky-high-school-offers-new-course-called-adulting-101-to-teach-students-life-skills/ (8 Sept. 2019).

Heffernan, L. and M. Dell Harrington. (2019). Grown and flown: how to support your teen, stay close as a family, and raise independent adults. New York: Flatiron Books. 2019.

Monke, A. (2016). Conversations before college: honest talk about alcohol. Sunshine Parenting. https://sunshine-parenting.com/2016/04/conversations-before-college-honest-talk-about-alcohol/ (8 Sept. 2019).

NBC News Learn. (2019). Off to schoolkit. ParentToolKit.com. https://www.parenttoolkit.com/off-to-schoolkit (8 Sept. 2019).

Newman, J. (2019). Cutting the cord: what parents and teenagers need to know. The New York Times. August 23, 2019. https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/23/books/review/books-review-help-desk-judith-newman-adulting.html?rref=collection%2Ftimestopic%2FFinances&action=click&contentCollection=timestopics&region=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=5&pgtype=collection (8 Sept. 2019).

Quigley, J. (2019). Alcohol use by youth. Pediatrics. American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Substance Abuse and Prevention. July 2019. Vol. 144, Issue 1. https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/144/1/e20191356 (8 Sept. 2019).

Reyna, Y. (2019). Go be amazing: 28 things I want my son to know before he leaves for college. Grown and Flown. https://grownandflown.com/28-things-before-son-leaves-college/ (8 Sept. 2019).

University of Michigan. (2019). Failure to launch: parents are barriers to teen independence. ScienceDaily. July 22, 2019. www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/07/190722085830.htm (8 Sept. 2019).

Wingens, H. (2019). 6 reasons why moms cry when they leave their kids at college. Grown and Flown. https://grownandflown.com/reasons-mom-cry-leave-kids-college/ (8 Sept. 2019).