Pride in Pride: My journey to an IBM LGBT+ Ally and how when you BELIEVE, BELONG, and MATTER, you're ready to be incredible

In the beginning ... no really, the very beginning

My IBM career started ~24 years ago (I know, still can’t believe it). Straight out of university; never having taken a formal computer course; jock culture … trying to figure it out. I was hired for $35,000 a year and felt rich! (If you lived the way I did in university … I was; but even now, I think I had more money in university than today with a 13-year old daughter and her horse.)

From a career growth perspective, for whatever compliments or detractions you have in your head about this company (and all companies have earned stockpiles of both), anyone can accomplish almost anything here. I won't get into IBM's long history of firsts when it comes to inclusivity ... but it's a well-earned add to the compliment stockpile. From a personal perspective, think about it: Having never taken any formal computer training, some 23 years later, I became an award winning author with 19 books & 350 articles, an executive, learned how to program (well I'm shitty at it, but ...), travelled the world, had interactions with TV shows in the areas I focus on ("60 Minutes" & "The View"), sit on a board that works to advance entrepreneurial women, on a board that advises a world renowned university on their graduate analytics programs, and advising a board helping Canadian veterans pick up IT careers when they are finished service to our great country. I've mentored peopled, helped clients do incredible things with data like send more babies home with their parents from the NICU, and oh, so much more. I've done all this at IBM because over the long term (there are always slight dips ... just like any relationship) the company made me feel like I believe, I belong, and I matter ... and when you feel that way, when an organization makes you feel that way, when you're included, you soar ... professionally and personally.

Notice I said professionally and personally? I grew personally at IBM too. The way I see it, I was born to share office space and a mindset of equality ... I'm a twin to a super smart, athletically dominant, and incredible women. (She tells me I was passing gas in this picture, I can't recall, but her reaction looks about right.)

At IBM, from day one I worked with a lot of incredible and inspiring women in positions of power ... they all had enormous influence over my career and character development; I can't think of a leader in my 23 years that has better defined the incredible advantage women have in leadership than Alyse (Passarelli) Daghelian. Inclusivity was key to these incredible relationships that I cherish to this day.

The first day ... there was no believing, belonging, or mattering

On my first day at IBM I didn’t know a transgendered person, a cross-dresser, or anyone that was part of the LGBT+ community for that matter. To clarify, I likely knew people who were gay for example, but I didn’t “know” they were … if you know what I mean. Looking back, I wish I knew then what I know now (we all do … about a lot of things) because I could have presented a better posture to folks in that community and let them know I was an ally. But it’s also the simple things. I’m not perfect, never will be, but even nipping things like jokes, remarks, language (none of them ever intended to be cruel) might have made it easier for me to implicitly let someone I know that I was an ally.

My first day at IBM started with a 3270 emulator (green screen); in short, I went home and cried after work; every day. There was no place to double-click, there were no scroll bars, no CD tray ... what the heck did I get myself into? This feeling of loneliness and being lost went on for about a month when by chance two guys on my team asked if I wanted to sit with them and partake in the eating of crappy cafeteria food (and it was crappy). At the time, they didn’t know me well enough to invite me to their off-campus luncheons (which they did … every Tuesday and Thursday) where true conversations happened.

That day, I had lunch with two guys who could tell I felt that I didn’t believe in myself, I didn’t feel like I belonged, and I certainly didn’t feel like I mattered. After a couple of months, I came to realize they were gay when one of them asked me if I had any gay friends, and I responded that I didn’t. He looked at me and said, “We’re just like your non-gay friends.” He left the room … clearly intending for me to think about his statement and let me know I had a friend.

As I reflected on our interaction the next day, I asked myself “Why did he tell me that?” The next day I went into work, feeling just as stupid work-wise as I did the day before, and I asked him, “Why did you make that statement to me and walk out of the office … it was like a TV drama show, as I sat there thinking.” He said “Paul, two things. I wanted you to know that you don’t have to feel out of place with me or IBM, and I wanted you to know that I didn’t want to feel out of place with you either.” A great friendship entailed.

 Ten years later

A decade later a colleague (I would not call ourselves friends in that we don’t hang out ... but I would) for whom I had (and still have) enormous respect for declared that he cross-dressed and had a different persona (and name) when doing so … and did so with a very public declaration I may add. I’m not sure I understood it, but it wasn’t my job to. I just sent him a note and said I always looked up to him (or her, depending who they were that day) and not that my opinion should matter, but his announcement changed nothing. I would have never done anything like that in university ... those colleagues that I met in those first months grew me personally. Inclusivity made me a better and more caring human being. As for that person ... they sent me a note saying how much that supportive email meant them.

Today ... the evolution of LGBT+ (and if one day we'll have to add more letters or characters, dammit, and so we shall)

As I read through LGBT+ inclusivity materials, and listen to stories told from this community, it made me realize how much the burden of not believing, not feeling like you belong, or like you matter must weigh. To wonder if you would be judged because of something you are over your capabilities or your soul ... it's, well, unfair. You see, I felt like I didn’t believe, I didn’t matter, like I didn’t belong because I wrote crappy code (I still do), imagine if it was your identity and if that identity could impact the career you are working so hard to build (and friendships for that matter, which matters more in my opinion).

Acceptance of the LGBT+ community was never an issue for me ... but even for those of you that are like me, there is much to learn and do beyond acceptance, and we have a duty to do so. Up until now, I truly never realized the impact or the courage of those ‘coming out’ because the folks I came to know somehow got over their hurdles before we met – they were ceiling breakers ... heroes to their communities.

The inclusive word matters so much to me. Change the topic: make it gender, make it race, make it religion … I’ll stand by it. In my world, you’re judged on talent (professionally) and integrity and kindness (personally). Imagine our schools, the companies we work for, governments, public policy … the world in general if we were just more inclusive. 

Imagine a "safe" workspace where people believed in themselves, had a sense of belonging and feel like they matter. People would wake up happier; perhaps the weight of the world wouldn’t be so heavy; they could more easily seek help if needed; and most importantly, they would thrive (personally and professionally). This is why I invested the time into trying to become an LGBT+ Ally … I didn’t just want to figure out a way to ensure that IBMers or people I mentor could be more productive for the great company I work for, I wanted them (and the world to know) that they should believe there are people out there that judge you by character and character alone (OK, and your ability to build deep neural networks if that’s what I hired you for). I want this (and all) communities that I participate in, or organizations I lead, to know that to me, they can believe in themselves and in me as an ally, they belong in my organization (assuming they have the skills and attitude), and they matter (to me personally … but bigger than me, in this world).

It’s everywhere … the energy around inclusivity … and so it should be.

At IBM we have a learning track called the “LGBT+ Ally Championship Practitioner Badge.” This badge is earned by IBM allies who are aligned with the LGBT+ community and demonstrate a level of volunteer efforts and advocacy representation which support IBM's diversity, talent, and business priorities. Allies actively advocate through actions and activities to create a supportive and inclusive culture. Today this badge is just for IBMers, but I think I’ll apply some pressure to make it broader because the perspectives I heard while going through the courseware, the information I learned, the whole experience in general really, will make me a better leader … heck, a better person. It’s about that mantra: I believe. I belong. I matter.

Over the last ~23 years the only regret I had about learning about inclusivity and the LGBT+ community was what would become thousands of dollars spent over the ensuing years eating out every Tuesday and Thursday … having real conversations ... with my friends. I couldn't afford it at the time, but it was worth it.