Pride Meets Parenting: My journey to become a gay dad of 2

Unless you live under a rock or in a conservative bubble, it’s hard to ignore that June is Pride Month. However, it is less publicized that May was National Foster Awareness Month. As a member of the LGBTQ+ community and a proud parent of two bright, beautiful and incredibly resilient handfuls, I'd like to take a moment to share my journey. My perfect family is made possible by way of adoption through foster care - an overworked and misunderstood system.

As an adoptive parent, I often get the same questions and reactions.

• How did you find them?
• Where are their parents?
• What happened to their parents?
• Wow, they’re so lucky
• Are they biological siblings?
• Did you have an issue because you’re gay?
• How much was it?
• I always considered it but it seemed too difficult.
• What would you do if it didn’t work out?

I’m happy to answer as I understand there is positive intent and most are seeking to understand.

In 2020, like most of the world, I was trapped in my home, washing my groceries while questioning if my life was going to remain on pause. I feared when the pandemic ended, I would come out of it having completely lost years of my life. I was 34 and not getting any younger. So far, I had followed my plan well. Career, check. House, check. Support system, check. Panic attacks, surprise.

The next few items on the list were MBA, marriage, and kids. Determined not to have any ‘lost years’ I began exploring paths for how I could become a father. As a gay man, those options are limited traditionally to surrogacy, fostering, and adoption.

Given the fact I’d never want to curse a child with my genes, nor did the child looking like me have an impact on my capacity to love them, surrogacy didn’t feel right for me. Jokingly I decided to take the ‘adopt, don’t shop’ approach.

However, within the adoption option, there are several paths. There are specialized adoption agencies, foster programs, and foster-to-adopt programs. The adoption agencies I spoke with were mainly international and seemed overwhelming for me. Through research, I knew that the amount of kids in the system in the US alone was out of control. That led me to either becoming a foster parent or foster to adopt.

Due to COVID, the government had ceased any and all prospective foster parent training programs. I called weekly for months, inquiring about availability. Meanwhile, I imagined a growing pile up of kids in the system. It seemed to be a dead end.

That was until I connected with the agency You-Gotta-Believe, an agency composed of volunteers and staff who are either adoptive parents or former foster children. It felt like a family, which eventually led me to mine. After attending a round of courses held virtually, a home study, plenty of paperwork, and a background check. I had received a certification. All of which at no cost. In fact, I came out of the program with a better understanding of myself, some new found friendships, and a wealth of knowledge.

Some of that knowledge helped dispel some common myths:

• Adoption is expensive

-Adoption through an agency, particularly international could be expensive.

-If that is your path however, I learned of an amazing organization called ADOPTION that helps support families financially with their journey

• If I adopt a kid, I’ll miss out on many first experiences

-Wrong. We have experienced so many firsts as a family, from new foods to simple activities like bike riding and bowling.

• Gays can’t adopt

-Super wrong! In fact some agencies even prefer LGBTQ parents. They see how invested these members of the community are, and recognize if they are going this route there is a strong commitment.

The parents can come take the kid if they’re in the foster system

-Not always. There are several degrees of status for children. It is the objective of the system to pursue reunification, but there are varying reasons as to why a kid may be in care. It could be due to death in the family, or even a total termination of parental rights.

Myths dispelled. Home study completed. Now what? Start shopping for kids? Try them out like a lease to own situation? Not quite.

Aside from searching on AdoptKidsUS.org, you can likely rely on your agency as well to support the process. Having been with you through the training courses, your placement specialist should be well versed in your family dynamics and the realities behind adoption. You will also have had frank conversations about any deal breakers. With this knowledge they can help find a true match. Agencies such as YGB have access to a large database of kids in need of homes, and can help in the matching process, as well as assist prospective parents navigate each state's nuanced adoption and foster processes.

I’d like to leave you with a few critical statistics…

• There are over 400K youth in foster care in the U.S.
• Over 1/3rd of them identify as LGBTQ+
• 44% of LGBTQ+ foster youth report entering foster care as a direct result of their identity
• LGBTQ+ parents are 7x more likely to adopt or foster compared to straight parents

If you’d like to learn more, please reach out to me directly or the team at You Gotta Believe to help connect with this community. Working with YGB has been the most fulfilling experience of my life. I always felt that I was destined to be a father, and they helped make this a reality. When you know, you know. I enjoy talking about this journey and would love to connect with anyone to discuss further.

Now for some cute family pics...