The Price of Surviving Cancer

The earth has surprisingly not stopped spinning and our world has continued to exist with all its wonders, its ugly, and beautiful sides.

During our lifetime 1 out of 2 people will get the shocking diagnosis of cancer. Besides collectively betting on the right scientific horses like mRNA technology and individualized therapy let′s pave the way towards coping and fighting stigma and neglect together.

?When posting the article “How it Feels to be Diagnosed with Cancer ”, I had no idea what would really lie ahead after surgery, how I would suffer from side effects of medication, and how long it would take to return to work. Besides I had to fight feelings of guilt because I was so lucky that it was relatively early stage and my tumor cells were 90% sensitive to the hormones estrogen and progesterone. This means the removal of these hormones would prevent micrometastases to grow, if they would be present, but no-one knows. The high hormone sensitivity of the tumor with an effective hormone-blocking therapy in place, thankfully avoided the need for chemotherapy. My dear friend Nathalie from France is going through chemotherapy while I am writing this blog and I cannot tell how grateful I am that this cup is passing from me while wishing I could do more than being a close friend while she is suffering from nausea, weakness, loss of hair, and many more symptoms. She had a different tumor type and also made other decisions - she will get the full program, including radiation and hormone blockers afterwards.

?Because I wanted to avoid accompanying radiotherapy, breast-conserving therapy was not an option anymore. I decided for more radical surgery. I will leave out the specific challenges of being a medical doctor being a patient in a hospital – challenges on both sides of the bed. Also, I will not discuss the lack of true conversations with medical experts to prepare for what is going to come. The gap partly caused by lack of time, lack of empathy and (indeed!) lack of knowledge and care due to taboo and ignorance around these themes.

?Physical healing of the subcutaneous mastectomy was fast compared to getting used to the strange-feeling implant and- even more compared to coping with the side effects of the hormonal blocker Tamoxifen I am encountering. Catapulting me from feeling physically great to the worst scenario of menopause symptoms within days. 20 attacks a day due to hormone withdrawal, 5-8 attacks at night. Each and every attack starting with nausea and increased heart rate followed by a tsunami of heat and sweat. I did research, talked to endocrinologists, tried whatever was recommended. Nothing helped. For the first time in my life, there was something I could not influence at all. As taking hormones has become a no-go because they would fuel the growth of potential micrometastases.

Oh yes, I have had challenging times before. But there have always been options. You can leave a marriage, you can change your job, you can move to another place, you can change your diet, you can avoid people who drain you, you can change habits. But this thing is different. You are at the immediate mercy of an inescapable power you cannot control without the slightest option of influence. Almost every hour of the day.

?I became depressive.

With hindsight, I cannot tell what or who exactly had caused the turnaround - there have been so many trustful conversations with people who cope with daily and nightly physical challenges. But I can tell what was the pivotal change in me. Total acceptance. Total surrender. Stopping to compare with “before”. Stopping wanting my old life back. Stopping to be ashamed. Stopping to hide the attacks. Integrating them into my new life.

They have not changed. They may change over time- but I am not waiting or even hoping for it any more. I have returned to work.

When “it” comes- I remove a jacket or a shawl and use a fan. I do not interrupt my speech, I do not apologize, I do not feel ashamed. When “it” is over I usually feel cold and need to wrap up again. Is it straining? Yes. But it′s the price for survival. Withdrawing potential micrometastases soil to grow. There we go. This is the choice.

Did I find my lesson by now? Well, after lots of research and exchanging with experts and many people of all genders affected by cancer - I do understand that there is the fact of fate and there is the fact of coincidence. That there is no such thing as a cancer personality and that there is no way to 100% prevent it, even if it’s not in your genes and you have lived a healthy life on body and mind (ok- let′s ignore excessive working hours ;-) My main learning is: There is no reason. But opportunity by radical acceptance: 10% of the challenge is actually what happens to you but 90% is what you make out of it. That is your personal way to cope. Your personal path to grow. Your personal way to live.

Happiness is a decision.

Thanks to everyone supporting me or any other person affected and caring about people who are not feeling ok.

Deep gratitude to the SAP universe – messages from CEO, CHRO, CIO, and wonderful colleagues from all over singing & dancing in get-well-soon videos.

Thank you also to such caring contacts beyond SAP.

And a very big thank you goes to my SAP Health & Well-Being Team for sticking together and keeping things running so well; it helped me take the time off in confidence.

I am very proud of their strength as a true team: Continuously and passionately making SAP run healthier and improve our people′s lives.

?Lucky and happy to be back!!