The Price of People Pleasing

"Care about what other people think, and you will always be their prisoner." -Lao Tzu

I had an interesting observation of myself recently that got me thinking deeply about people pleasing, and how intensely woven into my behavior and patterns it is. It was a Friday afternoon, and I decided to take off work to play a round of golf by myself.? I wanted the added benefit of extra steps, so I opted to walk the round instead of riding in a cart.?

Strolling out to the first tee box, I took in the gorgeous day, the beautiful blue skies above me, the intensity of the fall colors in the leaves, and how grateful I was to have the chance to get out there and play.? I was pleasantly surprised by how quiet the course felt.? There wasn't a person in front of me or behind me, at least for the 1st three holes.?

On the 4th hole, I was hitting my 2nd shot when I noticed a cart and person at the men's tee box.? "Better hurry up," I thought to myself.? The 4th hole is a long Par 5, and I was now conscientious about the fact that I would be slower than someone in a cart.? So I hurried.? I rushed through the shot, and it went off into the woods and to its final resting place.? I quickly hit another and, thankfully, hit it well.? I finished the hole and walked as quickly as I could to the next hole in an attempt to create some space between myself and the person behind me.? I was relieved that I didn't see signs of anyone behind me for the next hole, but I kept looking the entire time.?

When I got to hole #6, I noticed him there again, waiting on the tee box.? "Shoot," I thought to myself.? I didn't think I was playing slower, but I felt the urge to hurry again.? I stayed in this auto-pilot state of mild anxiousness until the 9th hole when I had this moment of extreme clarity.? My fear that playing too slowly would annoy this complete stranger was actually hijacking my ability to enjoy my experience.?

Hmmm.? I started mentally unpacking this with a sense of curiosity.? Would my life be any better if I had this person's approval?? Um, no.? Would my life be any worse if I did annoy this person and got their disapproval?? No again.? Why are you so invested in not annoying this person to the point that it's sucking the joy out of a moment of play in your life??

In that moment of clarity, I decided to give myself permission to not care what he thinks of me.? It was so freeing!? I played my second nine holes in a state of joy and fun, being present to myself and not worrying about some impotent peanut gallery in my head.? Unsurprisingly, my back nine score was significantly better than my front nine score.? Perhaps more interesting is the fact that I actually played quicker, not because I was focused on playing faster, but because I was playing better and not searching for a ball every other shot.?

The moral of the story is that when you give yourself permission to not care about what they think of you, everybody is better off.? Ladies, I am speaking to you.? I do think this is harder for men to understand.

Let's go back to the hunter-gatherer days.? Why? Because much of our brains are still wired the same way.? We have evolved, but as human beings, certain parts of our brain, like the reptilian brain, are still there and can be the dictator of our behaviors.

The hunters hunted alone. They didn't need the approval and acceptance of other hunters to succeed.? In fact, developing a strategy and keeping it to oneself was a success mechanism.?

Back at the ranch, the gatherers gathered together.? There was safety in numbers, especially when the hunters were out hunting.? There was also safety in sharing information with each other.? As a gatherer, acceptance by the group was a life and death thing.? If the group didn't accept you, they would kick you out.? Being alone in the wilderness as a gatherer meant imminent death.? It was just a matter of how long it would take.? ?

The gatherers probably concocted a whole set of rules, which made it pretty easy for the gatherer to know how to stay safe and remain a part of the tribe.? Follow the rules, and they will accept you.? Don't follow the rules and they won't.

I really believe that, as someone born with a gatherer's brain, it is woven into my DNA to please others so that I gain acceptance and feel safe.? Maybe this is why the experience of rejection feels so traumatic. I also believe for those of us who have this gatherer's brain, it is our duty to awaken to and reprogram this mindset.? Rather than do our best to avoid feeling rejection or disapproval… lean into it to face it, own it, and solve it.

We are no longer living in the hunter-gatherer days.? Thank goodness!? It does not sound like a lot of fun.? But there are a lot of people who are operating on autopilot, behaving in ways that no longer serve.? They bend over backwards, say yes to things they shouldn't in a constant, incessant need for "their" approval, even if "they" are total strangers. This observation of my own behavior awakened me to the fact that I am still falling into the people pleasing trap.?

What I have come to understand is that people pleasing behavior robs me of my power and ultimately becomes a prison.? As women, we erroneously think there is a gain to being a people pleaser and in the short term, this is true.? We get a positive response from the person on the receiving end of our people pleasing.? It's a form of external validation that can feel intoxicatingly good, especially to the person who has unknowingly developed a dependence on it to fill the void.

In the long run, when a person is engulfed in the people pleasing trap, she will eventually find herself unable to please everyone, she will wake up one day and wonder why she is always drained, and the people pleasing behavior that gets the approval of one person will trigger the disapproval of another person.? The good news is that this is an opportunity to awaken her to the realization that she is looking for love, or acceptance, or approval, or appreciation in all the wrong places.

It's an opportunity to dig deep and discover ways to internally give herself the love, acceptance, approval, and appreciation that she is seeking.? This is how she saves herself.? This is how she kicks open the prison door and walks out, her head held high.? Letting go of your people pleasing ways is not going to make you a bad person.? It actually does the opposite.? I do truly believe that there are no bad people in this world.? There are only people behaving badly and that hurt people hurt people.? Saving yourself from people pleasing by learning self love is how you heal the hurt.? Someone who was once hurt but now is healed is not going to hurt others.

However, waking up to your people pleasing ways and saving yourself by learning how to love yourself first through self-acceptance, self-approval, self-appreciation, etc., WILL shake things up for those who are deeply invested in the people pleasing dynamic.? Most likely, this will show up in relationships that are closest and dearest to you.? It will be incredibly tempting to fall back into old behaviors and dynamics.? Just remember that the price of people pleasing is your personal power.? The life that gets created from developing the self-love muscle and extinguishing your dependence upon others' approval is beyond magical and so worth it.