The Price of Empathy: Does Giving Your All Mean Losing Yourself?

Leadership is often painted as a glamorous and powerful position, where people in charge have the final say and are showered with adoration from their subordinates (ha ha). However, the truth is, leadership is tough, and it comes at a great cost. In fact, it can be argued that servant leadership, the style that resonates with me, requires even more sacrifice than others.

Just look at Jacinda Ardern and Nicola Sturgeon. I have admired Ardern especially, for a very long time. They both resigned from their positions recently, citing the pressure and toll that leadership had taken on them. Ardern will always stand out to me for her clarity, composure, and compassion. I’ve learned from experience that leading with that level of mindfulness and sensitivity is incredibly tough. It can lead to burnout, stress, and even declining mental health. I’ve been reflecting on struggles I’ve faced and managed to overcome over several years of leading different teams, and provide four practical ideas to help leaders maintain their sanity while leading with empathy. With these suggestions, you can be an effective servant leader and avoid sacrificing your own well-being.

I have a confession to make; I teamed up with ChatGPT (again), to co-author this article. While my last collaboration involved another AI named Jasper, this time his results were less than impressive so I couldn’t use them. Jasper's responses came across as obviously robotic. I can't help but wonder if this is a sign that AI is becoming less "human-like" in its abilities. Was it scaring people and had to be toned down? Nonetheless, with ChatGPT's help, we've put together four suggestions!

Balancing Protection and Growth

As a leader, it's natural to feel a strong desire to protect your team from harm. After all, you're invested in their success and well-being. However, it's important to remember that shielding your team from every challenge and risk can actually hinder their growth and development. They may feel very safe, but won’t develop the resilience and confidence they need as their career matures. Instead, consider taking a more balanced approach that provides your team with the support and resources they need to tackle challenges on their own. Offer guidance and advice, but also give them the space to experiment and learn from their mistakes. Make it known that they are safe to make mistakes! With the right mix of protection and growth, your team will thrive and reach new heights of success. You will be in awe of them!

Prioritising Your Focus Without Losing Your Mind

You're often torn between your desire to help everyone and your need to maintain your own sanity. So, how do you decide where to prioritize your focus? It’s impossible to do it all! The key I’ve learned is not to try and prioritise completely alone. Involve others! Explain your situation to your team, peers, or even stakeholders where appropriate. Aim to have a clear and open discussion. State the goal of the conversation is to agree on a way forward such that it’s clear and agreed by all, where you will be paying the most of your attention. Plus arranging a support plan for the areas where you will need to be temporarily distant, to ensure nothing slips. There’s a lot more to these steps, but I don’t want to write an essay here!

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Taming the Meeting Monster

Your calendar is definitely jam-packed with meetings from dawn till dusk. That’s one of the initiations of leadership. It can feel like you're constantly running from one meeting to the next, without a break in between. I remember rushing around in the office feeling frustration about being a human being, in that needing to use the lavatory took away vital minutes needed to race to the next meeting! (Yea…seriously. It got like THAT) This was a few years ago! Hybrid working seemed to have eased this…slightly. At least you’re not always racing from room to room, floor to floor in a massive office building all the time. Fear not, there are ways to tame the ‘calendar spaghetti’, a great term a former colleague came up with! The delete button is your friend. I’m kidding. Well, partially kidding. I like to think of all my meetings in my calendar as speed limits. My driving instructor used to say, “They’re limits, not targets.” Favour meetings with clear agendas, where the objective is obvious and you know you’ll gain or add value. When you’re sending the invites make sure you’re sharing the agenda or at least providing a sentence or two explaining the meeting context. Some of my favourite go-to phrases,

“Do you need me to attend?”

“Will it be a disaster if I don’t attend, but use the time to finish [insert relevant task] instead?”

“I can only attend the first x minutes. Can we cover the part where I’m needed first?”

Many more where those came from, in varying degrees of politeness!

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Protecting Yourself

Leadership is demanding. It can easily lead to burnout, and gradually declining mental health. To protect yourself, it's important to set boundaries and take time for yourself. Learn to say no to non-essential tasks and delegate when possible. This is easier said than done but it’s worth taking the time to plan some micro-steps you can take to gradually get confident doing this.

Tackle each day with purpose, having planned your key priorities for the week ahead, while refining the tasks you need to do the following day at the end of each day. That helps maintain a feeling of structure and stability.

Don't forget to take time off to recharge your batteries. Make full use of your holiday allowance and try where possible to take longer chunks of holiday as opposed to the occasional day here and there. Give yourself the opportunity to completely switch off. Be off limits while on holiday. The detachment means you’ll return with a refreshed perspective which will further serve your team.

Most importantly you must have a plan for how you’ll take care of yourself, especially your mental health. You’re a strategist, coach, planner, trouble-shooter, motivator…so many things! To stay sharp, you need your brain to be the finest-tuned machine it can be. Whatever resonates with you, make the time for it. Be that exercise, meditation, hobbies, therapy or confiding in friends. Never be afraid to ask for help or share challenges when you need to. It’s highly likely that others will relate to your struggles, and you’ll all feel less alone and that’s a start.

Servant Leadership may come at a great cost, but it's a sacrifice that can be worth it if done right. Going on the journey to apply these four tips will put you on your way to leading with empathy while maintaining sanity, so giving your all does not mean losing yourself. Good Luck!

Authors: Kudzayi Chakahwata, ChatGPT

Images: Dall.E 2 (I'm still recovering from seeing the last image it generated for this article!)