The Price of Authenticity

Recently, I've spent a lot of time pondering the cost of being authentic, or not, and how authenticity shows up in my life. Authenticity gets tossed around a lot, but what does it mean??Dictionary.com says "Representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified." That's all it is, right??How we move through the world and are we living in integrity with our own beliefs. I have been evaluating how I demonstrate it, in contrast to how much I crave it.?The truth is, I wasn't always measuring up to the standards I held for others and I wanted that to change.

Representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified.

In the context of my career, have I always lived authentically and in alignment with my values??Sadly, no.?For almost 15 years, I have been in and out of digital marketing. I like to affectionately describe this part of my job as professionally annoying people, for a living.?Does that mean that people who do digital marketing are bad or that I hate digital marketing??Absolutely not.?Am I passionate about email, web pop-ups and discount codes??Absof*ckinglutely not. I stayed because it was safe and I was good at it.?I stayed because my career provided security and a steady paycheck. I approach relationships with people authentically, but as a leader, you aren't allowed to be your whole self.?At least not in the way you always desire. This is what nobody tells you when you say to your manager "I want to manage people." Nobody tells you about the gut wrenching decisions you may have to make. There is no manager "boot camp" to prepare you for the way you may have to compromise your values to do "necessary" things. This cuts across every field. Doctors have to make life or death calls. Military members take futures from children they will never know, under the demand of flags. Managers have to lay off people and cut off a family's income from one day to the next, and if your authentic self doesn't know how to navigate these things in a way that honors itself, you may suffer. I remember one time I had to fire someone. My manager wanted me to get rid of this person a couple days before Christmas. I told them absolutely not and I would do it in the New Year, when the new employee was still in the probationary period, AND it didn't ruin their Christmas. In that moment, I was living in integrity, but the price was high. My boss was furious.?They told me I couldn't do the job, I didn't have what it takes, and they would have to do my job for me. I was OK with that and I wasn't going to be bullied, but I would be lying if it didn't place a tiny seed of doubt. I also knew that if they were going to tear me down like that AND were cold-blooded enough to fire someone days before Christmas, that wasn't someone I wanted to work for, so I quit. All these things were true at the same time.

Don't get me wrong, leading is hard AND I also do not advise showing up to your next board meeting wearing a suit made of wet kombu, no matter how authentic it feels. You have to know your audience, but you can still honor your authentic self in these circumstances. Very early in my career I would be frustrated at the lack of transparency in my managers. As I grew in my career, I learned the complexity of "transparency" and still strived to honor my own needs for transparency, by being as open as I could, without putting the business at risk.?It's easy to conflate transparency with authenticity and make it binary; however, they are different. They are dials, not switches. These are real things and you have to navigate them carefully, but it doesn't mean you can't do it authentically.?For example, when I couldn't give folks all the information I wanted, I would let them know I would share as much as I could, and answer as many questions as possible, without potentially harming the company objectives.?Did it always go as planned? Absolutely not! We are messy humans and sometimes I would still be faulted because the information couldn't be handled, leading to a different fire to put out. Cue Jack Nicholson's "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH." Seriously though, there are people that can't handle the truth and you have to adjust accordingly. If you take nothing from this article, take away "know your audience."

As a leader, we need to be able to keep our people inspired and working, even when we don't believe in the talking points we are sharing.?It's all a big game and I get it.?I was good at it, in fact, but the higher I rose in organizations, the less authentically I was required to show up, or so I believed. Sure, I could share my real thoughts to some select people, but in a large group or at an executive meeting??"The f*ck you can," said in my best Marty Byrd voice. You see, authenticity means speaking your truth, but it doesn't mean speaking a truth so violently it causes harm.?It means that if you see something happening, get curious.?If something feels "off," shine some light on it and work through it.?It also means that you will no longer put up with things that don't serve you.?For example, if Chad keeps interrupting you, you call it out because part of your value system is not letting dumb behavior go unchecked. I can hear the argument now, as I write this. "But Cathy, life isn't perfect.?It's messy and hard and sometimes you have to suck it up and do stuff you don't want to do."?Sure, that's true, and it's also true that you can define the terms for how you move through those situations and choose to respond. I also recognize that I say these things with a lot of privilege, but these are things I wish I would have learned earlier and hopefully you will find some insights.?Even with privilege, you can still live inauthentically.?

I started mentally cataloguing the price I have paid for authenticity and it is a doozy.?Here are a few things that hit my list, but I imagine some of these may resonate for some of you out there:

1. I didn't wear clothes that made me happy and reflected my personality (Lots of thoughts on this one and it includes feathers and sequins)
2. My health suffered for not speaking up for the things I valued and letting those things ferment and fester inside of me. This is a VERY real thing if you have chronic health issues.
3. I bought labels I didn't need because I wanted to appear a certain way
4. I didn't choose the path that lit a fire in my heart and filled me with joy because other people didn't "approve"
5. I stopped singing because of other peoples' insecurity (I'm talking serious Ariel vibes here)

The list goes on, but you get the idea. Looking for some self-reflection prompts? Look no further:

• What is the cost of your inauthenticity right now?
• What "hidden fees" are you paying for not living in alignment with your values?
• Where can you live more authentically in a way that serves your life more fully?

I'm rooting for you!

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