Preventing a mental lockdown part 4

Hey you there!

Since this blog is the last one of this series, I want to express that it has been an honour to have had you as a reader. This being the first non-business related blog series I wrote, I was able to learn a lot throughout the process and many of you have been my inspiration.

I hope in return to inspire you once more! And more importantly I hope it can give you (or already gave you some) peace of mind, even during the current uncertain situation. This was of course my initial goal to write these blogs, through sharing my story and as a result helping others. 

The past 3 weeks WE have taken huge steps.

We started with learning about very concrete changes we can make to our daily rhythms, in order to try to cope with the current situation. Every week we have been moving closer towards trying to figure out how to cope with life in general. The answer to such a question, is not a simple yes or no or a do this or do that. It is a way of living you need to embrace.

Even though after reading this last blog you might end up with more questions than answers, see this as another part of your journey. Just do not forget all the tips when you continue your exploration!

So for now let us, explore these last 5 tips/concepts together.

16. I am because I am 

You come across as a perfectionist or seem to be someone who does not open yourself to others. Most of us have the tendency to relate ourselves to general statements. This so-called Barnum effect explains one side of the coin when we say I am because I am. We like to put ourselves in boxes and recognize ourselves in others. If someone tells you a story, think for yourself how quickly you respond by saying that this story has also happened to you in similar fashion. We like to be part of a group and tend to think often from our own perspective. Yet throughout our lives we can feel part of different groups or change our perspectives. The person we are today is not per se the person we shall be.

All years up to the present moment have shaped the current version of you. Your activities, beliefs, core values and routines have turned you into the present version of yourself. As we have read the last couple of weeks, changing your routines is not as easy as it seems. Our favourite excuse on top of I don’t have time, might be I am because I am, therefore changing your beliefs or routines is out of the question. 

‘Every human being is equally unfree, that is we create out of freedom a prison’ (Denial of Death, Rank). We do this by creating self-limiting beliefs. We are scared to change our identity, since we do not know how it could impact our connection with the people around us. In general this leads us to the fact that we feel more comfortable to stay the same person we have always been. But don't you want to live freely?

Most of us have goals in mind we want to achieve. Without action these goals will stay dreams, so it is a matter of how badly do you want to achieve them? What does your future self look like?

Your future self = Your present self + The ‘selves’ between your present self and your future self

When we are not open to any change, we could argue that our future self equals our present self. There is nothing wrong with this, because we have already learned in the first week to accept ourselves. Nevertheless I do believe change is inevitable and also required to grow as a person.

One of my favourite Chinese Sayings from Lao-Tzu reads as follows; ‘When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be’.

What might you become?

17. Little (inner child)

On the one hand we become older and are leaving our ‘youth’ behind. On the other hand why do many of us like the innocence of dogs and children when they play? 

Considering that they simply enjoy themselves without thinking too much (and about what others think of them), I believe as adults most of us miss having that feeling. Of course taking some moral compass into account is always advisable, but we have been ‘domesticated’ to such a large extent by our environment that it is difficult for us to fully enjoy something in full spontaneity.

Little children are wild and live free of self-consciousness and self-judgment. They are simply exploring the world, seeking pleasure and trying to avoid pain (The Fifth Agreement, Ruiz).

So when we continue to grow and evolve, we might consider relearning some behaviour that we have unlearned when we started to grow older.

What can you learn from 4, 6 or 8 year old you? What made her or him smile?

18. External validation 

To a large extent we are indeed who we are, but the society we grow up in plays a large role in this. There are many concepts in society that expect us to be a certain way, on both the outside and the inside. It dictates how we should look and behave. If we try too hard to become someone expected by others, we can quickly judge ourselves if we are not able to become this person. Like we read in tip 17, when we were a lot younger, we did not care about what others thought of us and we were not bothered by our looks when we woke up in the morning.

Much of the anxiety and hopelessness in the world comes from a sense of dissatisfaction from seeking comfort and pleasure from the outside, rather than from within (Erich Fromm).

When we try to achieve something, do we do this because

1. society expects this from us?
2. it pleases our friends, partner or our parents?

What do you care about? What do you want to achieve? Achieving WHAT will make YOU proud of yourself without needing the validation of others?

19. Paradox of choice 

In this life there are so many options and choices to make. On the surface simple choices like what to eat for breakfast as to what we want to achieve in life, indicating your purpose. For both there are many choices and options to go with. 

Not having anything to choose makes us miserable. A common product pricing strategy is adding a ridiculous offer next to the only (real) offer, which would demonstrate even more clearly that the (real) offer is definitely the one to go for. Evaluating two options is easy for our brain, but adding more options is not always better and in the end will have diminishing effects.

I do not know about you, but personally I get quite frustrated about all the options there are when trying to find an accommodation on Booking.com or simply trying to select a new T-shirt from a web shop. Especially for the latter one, I actually feel quite relieved when I decide not to buy anything at all. This concept is related to decision fatigue. We are becoming tired of taking all kinds of decisions throughout the day.

To try to alleviate problems like these, simply go back to the previous tip; What do you care about? Which decisions are actually worth your time? Which decisions bring you closer to your goals or your purpose?

20. Not always wanting more 

‘Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not. Remember that what you now have, was once among the things you only hoped for’ (Epicurus) 

Let us decipher the first part of the quote. On the one hand we need to be careful for what we desire. This is because we might end up getting it and in the end actually do not want it at all. Despite all the downsides of the current pandemic, most of us do have a lot more time available. This time we once so eagerly longed for, since our weeks were always fully booked. Even though I believe everyone wants the world to go back to normal as soon as possible, there are things in our modern lives that became obvious as not being the ideal way of living. I leave it up to you to think for yourself, what learnings can be taken from this period. When the Covid situation is behind us some might want to go back to a time where skipping the weekly (mandatory) mother-in-law visits was extremely easy ;) (I am actually looking forward to see her, since she is on the other side of the planet, but that’s another story)

Now onto the second part of the quote. Consumerism has become a large part of our lives, especially in modern Western societies. We continuously aim for having the newest phone and the shiniest car, just trying to upgrade and keep upgrading. In the beginning we are overly excited, but quickly this feeling fades and everything feels the same again. This effect is explained by the happiness set point, which means that even though we can become overly excited (or overly sad), after some point in time we will in general always return to a stable level of happiness.

By increasing our expectations regarding happiness by material wealth, this accumulation goes hand in hand with everything being relative. If we increase our living standards this becomes our new normal. I am definitely not saying not to enjoy anything in life you buy. However do not expect it to change your happiness level in the long term. Humans are very adaptable and getting adapted to a luxurious lifestyle is very easy to do ;) 

More importantly never forget it is very often the smallest things in life that can make us the happiest!

I hope you were able to learn and experience some change due to reading the 20 tips in the past weeks! Even though this blog series has ended, this does not mean I will completely stop writing. Do you have any feedback, suggestions or wishes which you would like to read about in the future? Just let me know in the comments or send me a message.

All the best to you! Go explore your journey, and most importantly, enjoy the ride :)

If you are interested in learning more about

• inspirational quotes by historical figures and what they can imply, check out Every time i find the meaning of life they change it by Daniel Klein.
• the (mis)conceptions we have created as a society, read the Fifth Agreement by Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz
• what you could and could not care about in The subtle art of not giving a f*ck by Mark Manson.
• decision fatigue, read more on: https://www.healthline.com/health/decision-fatigue 
• happiness and returning to a stable level of it after some time, look up the terms: happiness set point or hedonic treadmill.
• the first 15 tips: https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/preventing-mental-lockdown-part-1-remco-van-riet & https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/preventing-mental-lockdown-part-2-remco-van-riet & https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/preventing-mental-lockdown-part-3-remco-van-riet