Preventing a mental lockdown part 3

Last week we ended with the power of generating positive thoughts. On Friday the 13th in general we do it the other way around, through creating negative expectations for the day. But instead of focussing on everything that might go wrong today, let us focus on the good things! Yes, this still means we are applying our confirmation bias, however next Friday the 13th might put a smile on our faces the moment we wake up!

11. Sharing is caring;

The past two weeks most of the tips were focussed on you as an individual. Although you might have tried one of the tips with someone else, since this makes everything easier, this tip will cover being there for another person, because THAT person needs it.

We are all social animals and this year has been an unprecedented situation for most of us. Missing our close ones by our side, making a simple embrace or hug, something that will be valued a lot more in the future. Even though we might not take it for granted anymore in the future, this does not help us in the present. So how can we share our love?

The moment you feel you want to be in touch with someone just call them. Don’t shy away from this, like a junior salesperson who does not dare to start cold calling.

In the Netherlands we are accustomed to planning everything, whereas the current situation asks for spontaneity (more on that in tip 1). Everyone you might consider calling (friends, relative, family) will appreciate the actual gesture, but you do need to pick up that phone and dial the number. So who needs you and who in your circle are you going to call TODAY?

When you make that call or even when you are in one of your meetings throughout the day, be sure to pay attention to the way you speak. During a virtual presence training by Antonie Koppers I learned how to express and color voice with different types of emotions in speech. Among the many emotions, three are especially pertinent during times like these:

1. Enthusiasm
2. Determination
3. Compassion

Due to non verbal communication being more difficult to read now than ever before, your tone of voice is the key. Clearly demonstrate the compassion in your voice and make your enthusiasm contagious! Even without face-to-face contact, people will feel what is real and know that you mean it.

The discussion whether true altruism exists is not important for now. I once read the following quote: ‘An act of goodness is of itself an act of happiness. No reward coming after the event can compare with the sweet reward that went with it’ (Maurice Maeterlinck), and I couldn't agree more. We like to help people and we need to help each other now more than ever before. As I explained in the first week spreading love can also work exponentially, just like the virus. So if you already help 2 people in your circle and those 2 help 2 others, we can turn things around and lift the mental lockdown.

We are in this together and we are going to get out of this together!

12. Power of humor; 

Everyone likes to laugh and joke around. But there is more behind our laughter. Psychologists believe that humor serves as a creative defense mechanism for distancing ourselves from anxious-making thoughts and feelings. By joking about our unfortunate situations, life can all of a sudden become more acceptable (do not forget the trick from tip 10). ‘He who has the courage to laugh is master of the world, much like he who is prepared to die’ (A Giacomo Leopardi quote, and yes he was a pessimist). But dying is for later, let’s keep this blog a bit more fun.

Did you ever picture a comedian telling his story in a more serious way? No of course not, because they are often the ones saying the hard truths to our face and putting the things unsaid bluntly out there. Due to their delivery and the fact that they make us laugh we accept the message (Just like comedy, life  works with a setup and a punchline, check out the TED talk by Michael Jr to learn more). Even though they might tell the hard truth, we still relate to it and damn well know they are right!

‘There is a grain of truth in every joke’

Besides accepting hard truths, in laughing itself there are also tons of health benefits, one of which might even help your heart out (See the Harvard study below). But most importantly we just like the feeling when we laugh! So share this feeling by making others laugh and smile at that stranger passing you by on the street. 

13. Putting things in perspective

Most of the first world problems can be divided between complaints (I can’t go on holiday now or the weather is bad) and anxieties (What is my purpose in life or who am I). In my inner circle I witness what anxiety can do to people, so I do not speak to you, when to put things in perspective. As a society we need to accept that anxiety and mental health are HUGE challenges and we need to tackle them together. Just when it comes to putting things in perspective I refer to our society regarding our everyday complaints. Most of our complaints are trivialities compared to Third world problems, where people have to fight for food and shelter in order to survive the day.

Two books that will help us to put things in perspective are Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning and The Invisible Son by Tey El-Rjula. Viktor Frank is a Holocaust survivor and wrote about his time in concentration camps. I have once visited Auschwitz myself and out of all my holiday experiences, this is the one that is going to stay with me for the rest of my life (luckily I was only a visitor for a day….). We have to envision that when Viktor was freed by the Allies he had to conclude that a feeling of happiness was only present to him for a very brief moment, since the world that he knew had changed and that his family members were no longer around. Despite all of this he was still able to achieve great things (being the founder of Logotherapy). Talking about perseverance of the human mind!

To read a story much closer to home and current times, I believe the Invisible Son is a must read for everyone (especially Dutch readers) to get an inside view on life in an AZC (Refugee camp). I do not want to spoil too much about the book, but what I can tell you is that after reading it you will:

• know that everyone has a story (not judge a book by its cover)
• not take anything for granted
• feel that there is always an opportunity but hard work is required

Important to keep in mind is that both these stories are real, they did happen, in the very same world, you and I live. I always feel blessed, grateful and fortunate with everything that I have. Some might feel different, however for most of us it is not too difficult to envision a worse situation. Opening a history book about life before our modern times and you can read tons of stories about how cruel life has been for most of our ancestors. So next time you complain about the weather, think about what Aristoteles used to say: 

‘Luck is when the guy next to you gets hit with the arrow’

Speaking about putting things in perspective!

14. After rain comes sunshine;

Even when there are objectively no problems there are always problems. Notorious B.I.G. used to rap Mo Money, Mo Problems (Yes, I quoted a rapper to make a point). Imagine a situation where barely anyone makes promotion as compared to where almost everyone gets promoted. Malcolm Gladwell in his book David & Goliath explains that we as humans tend to favour the first scenario over the latter one. When everyone gets promotion there is no pride in it, insinuating that we do like the grit and grind. 

Life could be seen as games and puzzles, which we are continuously trying to solve. Solving problems and challenges bring us happiness, although it is a constant work in progress. Some problems are not our fault, but still we are responsible for how to deal with them, like the situation we are in now. But even at some point in time after rain there must come sunshine.

Nonetheless problems actually never stop coming, so after sunshine at some point in time it is going to rain again. We need to determine whether all problems we encounter are worth solving or if it is better to just try to find acceptance of the situation. This is because problems can only survive with time, bringing us to this week’s last tip.

15. Living in the present

This tip might sound conflicting with tip 6 about setting goals. Nevertheless setting goals and acting upon them can only happen in the present. Having regrets that you have not acted on before or postponing action are choices you have MADE. However change can only come in the NOW.

Being in the present, at this very right moment, when you are reading this article or this specific sentence you are not having any problems. Problems might come again when you stop reading and start to think and contemplate (Eckhart Tolle, the Power of Now). There is no such thing as time, only reality and presence (Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha). 

Already in the first week we saw that we should not plan too far ahead and not to be too focussed on expectations for the future. For years I have been totally submerged by the what is next question? Planning my after work-life in such detail in order to continuously increase efficiency. This was coming at the price of never being fully engaged in the moment itself. Being fully present is wonderful, since your eyes will be able to see more than ever before.

I would like to agree with Ludwig Wittgenstein who said: ‘If we take eternity to mean not infinite temporal duration but timelessness, then eternal life belongs to those who live in the present.’ Enjoy the present, experience it for yourself, considering it is as good as it gets! 

Again i'm curious about your thoughts and I hope you will be back here next week for the last 5 tips: 

• I am because I am
• Little (inner) child
• External validation
• Paradox of choice
• Not always wanting more

And if you are interested in learning more about

• virtual presence, connect with Antonie Koppers
• the power of comedy and the similarities it has with life https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twSvd5bQLDw&ab_channel=TEDxTalks (only check the video if you will watch it entirely)
• the benefits of laughing for the heart: https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/laugh-and-be-thankful-its-good-for-the-heart-20101124839
• the perfect example of human perseverance, read about the life of a Holocaust survivor in Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning
• everyone having a story and never taking anything for granted, check out The Invisible Son by Tey El-Rjula (https://tey.amsterdam/product/the-invisible-man/) 
• unexpected advantages and the power of being the underdog, read Malcolm Gladwell’s David & Goliath.
• the Power of Now, read the book with that title by Eckhart Tolle
• growing through experience, I can recommend Siddharta by Hermann Hesse
• the first ten tips go to 

https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/preventing-mental-lockdown-part-1-remco-van-riet &

https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/preventing-mental-lockdown-part-2-remco-van-riet